MKR II: Chapter 7

“Another drama?” I exclaimed.

“It’s just a drama CF,” Shoei said. “The script came in this morning. They want you to go for a screen test.”

“We need this now, nuna,” Skye said. “We’ve been doing variety shows, but a drama would put us in the headlines for awhile, and we get to put one of our new songs in the OST.”

“Araso, araso,” I nodded. “So who’s my hero this time?”

My last drama experience was fun since I got to work with Kim Jae Wook, but it was hell to work with Darren from Helix, speaking of which, Helix had disbanded. It was during TVXQ’s months of turmoil, so it didn’t really make the headlines. Darren had since joined E! Entertainment Asia as a TV presenter, Nakata is now a model in New York and the only one we still see around is Min Jong, who had since begun a fairly successful solo singing career and also as a DJ. I’ve not heard from Darren since the last time we clashed.

“It’s a surprise!” Skye said.

“It’s a CF for a vacation spot on Cheju-do,” Shoei said. “It’s gonna be very dramatic and scenic at the same time, and I think you’re gonna go nuts when you find out who your leading man is.”

And I did. I almost fell over when I walked into the room for the screen test. Sitting in the panel with the director and producers, was Hyun Bin.

“Annyonghashimnikka,” I said as I bowed to them.

“Sierra-shi oso-oseyo,” the director greeted me.

“Yeolshimhi-haeyo,” the producer smiled at me.

“Ne, kamsahamnida. Chalputakhaesseumnida!” I said and bowed again.

Hyun Bin picked up the script in front of him and got up to join me at the front.

“Choeum poebkeseumnida,” he said to me.

“Na-do choeum poebkeseumnida, Hyun Bin sonbae,” I smiled.

“Ah… you don’t have to call me sonbae,” he laughed. “Makes me feel like an old man.”

“Well, you have been in the business for so long. I’ve been your follower since Spin Kick,” I smiled.

“I see. I doubt I was any good back then though,” he replied.

“But you were always cool,” I replied, and he just grinned back.

“Let’s start then,” the director said. “The script is just temporary. We may change it later on as we’ve not finalized the whole storyline for the CF.”

“Ne, kamdongnim,” I replied.

“Shijak!” the director yelled.

The test camera rolled, and I read the lines as convincingly as I could.

“Kajima,” he said as he grabbed my hand.

I pulled my hand away from him and took a step back.

“I can’t,” I said in a half-whisper.

“Why? What would it take to make you stay?” he asked me.

“Nothing,” I replied.

“Why? Why won’t you give me a chance?”

“Why should I? You’ve never given me the reason to. You’ve been acting so different lately. I don’t think I know you anymore.”

“I have my reasons, if you’ll let me explain.”

“And after that, where does that lead us? What sort of foundation have we built this relationship on?

“We have. Me. Lean on me. Trust me. I will be our foundation. The pillar that holds our home up, the stable ground you step on and the comforting bed you sleep on each night.”

“You seriously think you can do that? Isn’t it too late?”

Hyun Bin pulls me into his arms and hugs me tightly.

“No. Don’t say it’s too late. It’s never too late for us. Never!”

“Never…” I whispered back as my arms slowly came up to return his hug.

“Cut!” the director yelled.

I nearly hyperventilated during the last 2 lines. I was in so much shock that I think I played the role right at that last line where I had to sound like I was giving in. How could you not give in when Hyun Bin was holding you tightly in his arms? This was a zillion times more exhilarating that watching the sit-up scene from Secret Garden, and I was totally wondering how it would be to have a kiss scene with him since I heard that he was a superb kisser from his Secret Garden credentials. I am definitely a fan girl in this moment.

Hyun Bin was riding high on his Secret Garden success. He had 2 movies out and this was probably going to be his CF before he joined the marines for his mandatory military service. I couldn’t hear the sound of breaking hearts all over the world when he has to disappear for 2 years. I wonder how his girlfriend, Song Hye Gyo, felt about it. I suppose she’s too busy to care anyway. Then again, the rumours are that they had broken up, and he didn’t seem too happy the last time reporters asked him about it. I really do wonder if it’s true.

“Chal-haesseoyo,” Hyun Bin said when the scene was over.

“Komapseumnida,” I replied. “I hope we will have the chance to work together.”

“I hope so too,” he smiled. “Since I’ve heard a lot of good things about you.”

“As an actress, as a singer or as a person?” I asked.

“Hmm… a little bit of each,” he replied.

“Good to hear then!”

I was so nervous while talking to him. My whole body felt like it was shaking with excitement. I hope the vibrations weren’t actually visible.

Skye and Shoei were more excited than I was when we met up after the screen test. I’m definitely considering padding our office walls at the rate they bounce of the walls in excitement whenever we get a gig of some kind.

“How was it? How was it?” Skye asked.

“I think it was alright. Nothing spectacular though.”

“When will you know?” Shoei asked.

“Soon, I guess?” I shrugged. “They mentioned that they need to start filming ASAP since Hyun Bin would be off for his military service in March.”

We were in the middle of discussing our upcoming activity schedules when a familiar figure walked into our office.

“Hyung!” Skye yelled and jumped out of his chair to greet him.

“Orae maneyo,” Yun Ho smiled.

Dressed in jeans, t-shirt and a smart casual jacket, he still exuded a presence that was strong, yet warm. That was his signature style. But he did look a bit overworked and thin lately, as did Chang Min.

“Oneul an papeunde?” I asked. I thought he would be crazy busy since he and Chang Min had just put out their new album.

“I was in the neighbourhood,” he said, “thought I’d pop by. Nideul chal chinaesseo?”

“Oh… we’re alright,” Shoei replied.

“Cho-a,” he smiled. “Sierra… Can I speak to you for a bit?” he asked.

“Sure,” I stood up and walked towards the informal meeting room we had set up in our office.

The room was meant for informal meetings mostly with friends we had projects with and we’d set it up as our lounge so that the staff could chill out there during breaks. A bright red couch lined one wall and in the middle was a sitting area designed like the ones at a Japanese restaurant, where a space is made under the table so that you could dangle your feet under it instead of having your legs fall asleep from sitting cross-legged for long hours. The new super slim Samsung flat-screen TV completed the room, along with several game consoles; a Wii, a Playstation and an Xbox.

Yun Ho closed the door after me and sat down on the couch, while I sat on the cushions that surrounded the center table.

“What is it?” I asked him.

“Has Jae Joong contacted you?” he asked me.

“Do you need to know?” I replied.

“Why do you think I’m asking?” he said.

“I dunno. This is really something you people need to work out,” I said. “Don’t drag me into this.”

“You’re the biggest link between me and Jae Joong. Who else can I ask?”

“Why don’t you reply his texts then?”

“He never texted me. Did he tell you he did?”

“I read it in online,” I said, truthfully.

Jae Joong has never explained in detail what the situation between JYJ and the remaining 2 of TVXQ was at this point. We had too much issues of our own to be including this in our conversations.

“You can’t believe all you read,” he said.

He was starting to sound agitated and upset. While I feel for him, I just didn’t know what else I could do. It wasn’t just Jae Joong who had disappeared for months on end. This was the first time Yun Ho had come to me since TVXQ’s breakup. I guess he was desperate and concerned now. How do you forget the brothers you suffered and succeeded with for almost a decade? You don’t. While they may be estranged at this moment, the front they are keeping is just a shield to protect themselves from the media.

“Ara…” I said, and I reached out for his hand.

He squeezed my hand in what I’d call gratitude, and smiled at me.

“It feels good you know?” he said, his voice softer now.

“Mwoga?” I asked.

“To hold your hand again,” he said. “I’ve not had any comfort like this for so long and it surprises me that I am still feeling our closeness.”

“Well, I know we didn’t even make it till a year, but I was your first,” I laughed.

“First?”

“Your first foreign girlfriend,” I added.

“Ah… keugo,” he laughed softly. “You were a breath of fresh air.”

“And you were the one who killed my fantasies of Korean idols,” I joked.

“Cheongmal?” he said, and made a sad face. “I must be the disgrace of my nation then.”

“Ani… you have your redeeming qualities,” I said. “Don’t feel too bad about it.”

“Haha… kowawo,” he smiled.

We chatted for awhile and filled each other in on our current progress. He held my hand all throughout the conversation. I know I should probably feel a bit uncomfortable, but I didn’t. Maybe I was just as lonely as he was, or maybe we really did still share a connection. In that time, I just wanted to be his friend again, and even though my loyalties are supposed to be with Jae Joong, I chose to be a neutral party at this point. There is no reason for me to take side and shun either one of them at this time. I was sure that in time they would resolve their issues and move on.

“Take care,” he said as he hugged me.

“You too,” I said. “I know you’re really busy with all music shows and variety shows, but do remember to eat well and rest.”

“You too,” he said. “Congratulations on your successful comeback.”

“Successful my foot,” I laughed. “One win counts for nothing.”

“There’ll be many more opportunities as S-Cube grows. It’s still early. You guys have a talent that has been suppressed for too long.”

I agreed with him. Skye and Shoei were superb musicians, composers and lyricists. Being in SM kept them on a tight reign. It wasn’t because they had no appeal that made us a mediocre band for so many years. It was because they weren’t allowed to prove themselves. Now that we were free, we aimed to have success, and if not in the mainstream masses, we didn’t mind the selective crowd. Companies like Fluxus, where Clazziquai and Winterplay were signed, inspired us. They did the kind of music that may never conquer the charts like an idol group would, but they still had enough success from the support of people who truly appreciated their music style.

Later that evening, we received a call. My CF with Hyun Bin has been confirmed, and S-Cube would have 1 song from our new mini-album as the title track of the 10 minute drama CF. Looks like we’re on the roll for the coming month or 2.

MKR II: Chapter 6

“What do you want from me?” I whispered.

“Nothing…” he whispered back in his husky voice. “I just want you to be here right now.”

“You know you’re never going to stick around,” I reminded him.

“Mianhae,” he said as he stroked my hair with his right hand. “It’s the path we’ve chosen, and I cannot involve you in it.”

I knew what he’d been trying to do all this while. He was trying to disassociate us from each other so that none of the backlash would ever fall on me. He was thinking for my career. S-Cube wasn’t JYJ. We wouldn’t be able to survive the way JYJ has been doing. Even if they wouldn’t let them on music shows and most programs on Korean television, they were still making headlines both for their talent and the controversies that came from their battle with SM Entertainment.

“Sure you won’t regret this?” I asked him, hugging him tightly as the elevator doors opened to his floor.

He let go and held my hand as he lead me out of the elevator.

“Every day of my life,” he said as he walked ahead.

“Ne?” I said, since he left his sentence hanging.

He didn’t answer as he punched in the code to his front door to open it. He closed the door and we stood in the corridor, just the two of us, illuminated by the dim light Hyun Joong had left on for him.

“I will regret this every day, for the rest of my life,” he said.

His gaze was so intense, even in the dim lighting. Tears had found their way down his cheeks. Jae Joong cried like any other human, but this was the first time he had cried for us since he left more than 6 months ago. Seeing his tears brought out mine too. He reached out to cradle my face in his hands as my tears found their way down my face, and he kissed my lips tenderly.

“I’m so sorry,” he said in English, knowing it was the language I knew best, and wanting me to know how deep his apology was.

There were moments when I wished I never saw him again, but at times like this, when I saw how tired he was from all that he was going through, I just wanted to be there for him. I wanted to hold his hand, hold him in my arms, hold his heart and be his rock. I wanted to be his rock because he had been mine for so many years. Whatever I went through, I knew that all I had to do was to seek the comfort he so readily provided. This comfort was no longer available, but the least I could do was to give him what he had given me for so long.

“Kwaench’ana,” I said, and I put my arms around his waist.

He had lost so much weight in the past few months that his body now felt almost foreign to me.

“You’ve put on weight,” he said, obviously trying to break the ice by annoying me.

“So that you know I’m doing well without you,” I said as I pulled away and stuck my tongue out at him.

“I can see that,” he smiled as he stroked my cheek, then he gave it a quick pinch before running off, laughing.

“Yah!” I yelled as I chased after him towards his room.

He flipped on the lights as he sprinted to his room, and I caught up with him just as he crashed into his bed.

“Mmmph…” he said when I landed on him where he lay, flat on the bed.

“Aigoo!” he exclaimed in agony and he flipped over as I rolled off him.

“Take that!” I laughed, and gave him a playful kick on his butt before settling into a comfortable position amongst his pillows.

He slid up his bed and tucked one arm under me to that we could snuggle on his bed. I rested my head on his chest and just sighed. It was always comforting to be this close to him, but I’m beginning to realize that it had become a habit through the years.

“Who do you think you’d be dating now if I didn’t exist?” I asked him.

“Why are you always so random?” he laughed. “Can’t I have stayed single?”

“I dunno,” I replied. “You’ve always said that you needed a wifely kind of woman.”

“Have I?”

“Twaesseo…” I said as I turned my face away from him. “You never mean the things you say anyway.”

“Naega eonje!” he asked as he turned my face back so that I had to look at him, pinching my cheek playfully.

“Always,” I replied and stuck out my tongue.

On days like this, I realized I’m getting tired of it all. When I don’t see him, I miss having him around. When he’s with me, I feel drained. It’s like it takes too much energy to carry on a conversation with him. Eventually, it drifts into some kind of petty quarrel, but we’d always forgive each other and make up within the next hour. We weren’t the kind of couple that held grudges and rarely went for ages without talking to each other. This has been the longest period for us.

My friends tell me that it’s either we were getting too familiar, and that the romance was dying. It was the part and parcel of almost becoming an old married couple, which was the last thing I wanted to be with this man. I think our relationship thrives on us being a dating couple. Or course as time goes along, certain things become routine, but most of the time, we’re pretty spontaneous and we manage to keep things fresh by trying out new activities and going to new places.

We didn’t speak much for the rest of the night. We just got ready for bed and slept till morning. I had to be content with wearing one of his shirts since I’d removed all my stuff from his place when we broke up. We shared a toothbrush like we always did, and I used his facial products since we pretty much had the same type of skin.

Staying the night probably wasn’t the best thing to do when you’re trying to get over someone, but I had a long day ahead and commuting home at this hour would just be a waste of time, so I decided to just throw in the towel and take what I’m given.

I woke up the next morning to the smell of food wafting into the room. It’s weird how I’m able to automatically wake up on time whenever I’m at his place. I suppose it’s because he very helpfully draws the curtains open so that the sunlight would wake me up. I got out of bed, did a good bit of stretching, and freshened up quickly before I left the bedroom.

The weather was starting to get a bit chilly these days, but he’d turned on the floor heating and the house was just the right temperature, even though I am guessing that he probably preferred the temperature a bit lower than I did.

“Ireonasseo?” he said when I appeared in the kitchen.

He was busy serving out a few plates of side dishes; radish kimch’i, cabbage kimch’i, mini Korean pancakes and deep fried anchovies. The main dish for today was miyukguk with lots of tofu and pieces of pork and cubed odaeng swimming in it. There was not a single dish I didn’t like. He even made sure that the anchovies were just fried because I’d always complained about the soggy anchovies they served at restaurants. It was also a recipe of my mom’s that I shared with him; frying the anchovies with sugar and a bit of salt, sometimes with roasted peanuts.

“Masshisseo?” he asked me when I nicked a pancake and popped it into my mouth.

“When does your cooking ever suck?” I smiled back at him.

This is what I missed most; being taken care of by him. Sure, he couldn’t do it each and every day. It was usually on his off days that I would get such treats, but it always made me feel blessed. Sometimes I’m a little ashamed that I cannot do the same for him.

We ate in silence, drowning our rice with the soup and finishing every single bit of the side dishes. Then he brought out more food; a very sinful chocolate and coffee cake, served with Earl Grey tea.

“I wonder why I never put on weight when we were together,” I said in between a mouthful of cake.

“It must be because I keep you on your toes,” he laughed.

“Haha…” I laughed sarcastically. “You don’t know how true that is.”

It’s sad to know that when we were to have such conversations now, he will never tell me to come back to him, and I will never tell him that I long to be by his side again. We both just know that it is never going to work out, and we just want to still be able to enjoy moments like this once in awhile.

“I’ll be moving again” he said as he sipped his tea.

“Moving in with Jun Su and Yoo Chun?”

“Yea,” he said. “It’s more practical since we’re going to be really busy working together. I just hope they will lift the bans soon.”

“They’re just being mean,” I said. “They just want to teach you guys a lesson since what you guys did was pretty much anarchy. You turned the industry upside down, and now some other bands are also following suit.”

“I was afraid they’d try something on S-Cube,” he said.

“Nah… we’re not famous enough for them to care. I was surprised and thankful that all 3 of our contracts expired without any complications.”

“Yea…” he replied. “Drink up, or you’re going to be late.”

I had a live show today, so it didn’t matter if I had fresh clothes or not since I was wearing a coat and I would have costumes where I’m going.

“Here,” he said as he tossed me a paper bag when I entered his room.

“Mwoya?” I said as I peered into it.

It was a blouse.

“I’ve washed it already. You can wear it now,” he said as he went about getting himself ready.

“Komawo,” I said as I took the blouse out of the bag and went into the bathroom for a shower.

I showered quickly and got dressed. It was a short sleeved dark blue cotton blouse with frills on the sleeves and down the front, which was pretty much my style these days; simple with a hint of girlishness. Trust him to get it in the right size and right style.

“Looks good on you,” he smiled when I emerged from the bathroom.

“It was a good choice,” I smiled, “komawo.”

“It’s been awhile since I got you anything,” he sai, “When I saw it, I thought you might like it.”

“I do.”

We put on our jackets and shades and left the apartment. We held hands briefly in the elevator and in the car, and when we arrived at the broadcasting station, I gave him a peck on the cheek and got out of the car. We were going through the motions all over again, but something about today felt that it was the last time. As if from here on, things will never be the same again.

He gave me a little wave, and I returned it before turning to walk into the building. Someday at this same time, we would replace each other with someone else and perform all these things for them. I just wondered when it will be that day come. When will we be able to move on from this love that has taken up so much of our lives for the past few years? Perhaps… perhaps we may never replace each other, ever, and the thought of it is simply agonizing.

MKR II: Chapter 5

I walked out of the tent that covered the stall we were at and walked a few meters away, towards the quiet parking lot.

“Ok… it’s quiet enough to talk now,” I said.

“You kids sure know how to have fun,” he laughed.

“What do you mean kids?” I laughed. “We’re almost the same age.”

“Haha… sometimes I forget,” he said. “I feel like such an old man these days.”

“You’re not old,” I said, smiling to myself.

“Komawo,” he replied. “I hope I’m not intruding.”

“It’s alright, sonbae. What’s up?”

“You know I’m going off to the army soon,” he started.

“Ne,” I replied.

It had been all over the news. The next week or so was packed with ‘goodbye stages’ for Park Hyo Shin.

“Would you like to join me for one of the performances?” he asked.

Would I ever? I practically screamed down the phone at him. I cannot believe one of my biggest idols just asked me to perform with him.

“Chintcha?” I asked him. “Are you for real? Me?”

“Why not?” he laughed.

I am loving this man at the moment. Although I believe he must be quite blind and deaf to pick me, I am ecstatic to know that he actually thought well enough of me to offer me that spot next to him on the stage.

“When is it?” I asked him.

“The next one is on this Friday’s KBS Music Bank. Can you make it?” he asked.

“I think so,” I said.

I should be there with Skye and Shoei for our single, so it will be an additional performance for me, which is normal.

“Great!” he said. “We’ll need to meet soon to discuss the arrangement of the song since we’re singing a duet.”

“Which song?”

“I guess we’ll be doing ‘I Promise You’, since it’s the one that fits our voices best,” he said.

“Great! I’ll start practicing tonight,” I said.

“Practice?” he said. “I thought you should know it by now? Aren’t you supposed to be my fan?”

“Sonbae!” I exclaimed in embarrassment.

He laughed, as I was silent for a moment, trying to get over the embarrassment. I guess it had always been obvious that I was a fan, and I did mention his influence on me as a performer at numerous interviews throughout my career.

“I’m flattered,” he said. “I was quite flattered to know a singer such as you, and a foreigner at that, actually knew my music.”

“You’re quite famous, sonbae,” I said. “And you are an accomplished singer,” I smiled.

“Komawoyo,” was his reply.

“I’ll miss you while you’re in the army,” I said.

“That’s nice to know,” he said, and I laughed nervously.

We made plans to meet 2 days from then to practice. I was extremely excited to be able to finally work with him officially. A radio show would be a coincidence. A choreographed performance on stage would definitely fulfill my dreams.

*****

“They’re back,” Shoei suddenly announced while we were waiting for our turn  to perform that Friday.

“Nugu?” I asked.

“JYJ,” Shoei replied.

“Keurae?” I said in an indifferent tone.

I seriously didn’t want to be bothered about TVXQ or JYJ anymore. Things have gotten so messy between them lately, and I didn’t want any part of it. With my long history with Yun Ho and Jae Joong being a constant reminder, I didn’t need to be further reminded that at some point I may be forced to pick sides. All I wanted to do now was to complete a perfect performance with Hyo Shin sonbae before he goes to the army.

“Chalhanda,” Hyo Shin sonbae said to be after our rehearsal earlier today. “You’ll do great tonight.”

“I hope so,” I smiled.

“You’ll do good always,” he smiled back.

“I sincerely hope so too,” I laughed nervously. “I really can’t imagine 2 years without you around, sonbae.”

“I’ll be back,” he smiled, and reached out to pat me on the head.

I bowed a little, feeling a bit shy from the attention I was getting from him.

“You’re gonna be here holding the fort till I come back?” he said in jest.

“Ne, sonbaenim,” I laughed as I stood in attention while saying those words.

“At ease,” he laughed.

*****

“We have an extra special stage tonight,” the emcee said. “Let’s welcome a refreshing duet performance of ‘I Promise You’ by Park Hyo Shin and Sierra!”

The arrangement of the song was simple. I had the first part of the song while he sang backup for me, and he had the 2^nd part while I contributed with backup vocals, then we ended together. You could only imagine how good it felt to be singing with him. It was akin to being made a part of a choir in the heavens; to hear your own voice blending beautifully with a voice like his. He was famous for his near flawless performances, and I really worked hard to ensure that my voice didn’t waver or went off-key to mar his performance.

In less than 4 minutes, it was over. I felt like I was floating on the clouds throughout that performance. Towards the end of the performance, he came over and put his arm around me as we sang the final chorus. It felt as if we’ve been performing as a pair for all this time. I doubt I would forget this milestone in my life anytime soon.

“You were so cool, nuna!” Skye said when he saw me backstage.

“Yea,” Shoei agreed. “Let’s see you bring that A-game to our song.”

We were standing in the corridor near the stage, watching the performance before ours and waiting for our turn to perform. I was all hyped up from my performance with Hyo Shin sonbae, and I totally forgot how normal it was that I could be high one moment and messed up in a split second. My phone buzzed in my hand, and I looked at it.

‘Great performance earlier… Can we meet tonight?’ he texted.

He sure knew how to pick his moments. He probably thought I’d be in a better and more forgiving mood since I just had that performance with Hyo Shin sonbae.

I sighed, and replied his text in the only way I knew how.

‘Wait for me outside. I should be done in another 2 hours.’

After I’d replied him, I immediately passed my phone to my assistant since I wasn’t allowed to carry it onto the stage. I really wanted to stop thinking about him at this moment and deliver a solid performance tonight. Thank god I managed to.

The energy on the set was explosive tonight. We started off with ‘Words³’ and ended with our faster track ‘Fixated’. ‘Fixated’ was a mid-tempo mixture of R&B and Hip Hop. The most of the lyrics were done by Skye and Shoei, but I managed to pitch in by writing the chorus. I wasn’t sure how the fans would take to it, but hearing them chanting the chorus word for word as we performed the song confirmed to me that they loved it well enough.

We finished our performance and packed up in just under 2 hours. I picked up my bag and got up, drawing curious looks from Skye and Shoei.

“Eodi ka?” Shoei asked me.

“I’m going off with Jae Joong. Don’t wait up,” I said as I started walking towards the exit.

“Do you want me to come along?” Shoei asked.

“Kwaench’ana,” I replied. “I’ll see you kids at home.”

I walked out of the building to find him waiting in his car, parked up front. It wasn’t his usual car, but I’ve seen him drive it around before to avoid being followed since the paparazzi recognised his snazzy cars.

“Are you cold?” he asked me, the moment I got in, and reached to turn up the heater for me.

It was touching to see that he remembered so much about me; my likes and dislikes, my hopes and fears, my ambitions, my desires… and yet, he has no other way to proceed than in the way that hurt me most.

“Aniya… kwaench’ana,” I said.

“Where to?” he asked me.

“Anywhere you like,” I replied as I put on my seatbelt.

We drove in silent until we came to his apartment. I hadn’t counted on him bringing me to his place since he had a housemate.

“Isn’t Hyun Joong home?” I asked him.

“He went touring again,” he replied as he eased into his parking lot and turned off the engine.

We got out of his car and started walking towards the elevator. He flashed his access card at the door that lead to the elevator lobby and held open the door for me to enter first. I hit the ‘up’ button, and we continued to stand there in silence while waiting for the elevator to arrive.

“How’s Jun Su and Yoo Chun?” I asked him, breaking the silence.

I hadn’t seen the both of them for as long as I have not seen Jae Joong. It seemed that they too had disappeared from the face of the earth during the past year.

“They’re fine. They’re visiting their family now, before we get really busy again.”

“So what is it that you guys are doing back in Seoul now?” I asked him.

“You sound like you’re not welcoming us home as well,” he laughed.

“Don’t be silly,” I replied.

The elevator finally arrived, and we both walked in, side by side. The door closed as Jae Joong hit the button to the floor he lived on, and as soon as the elevator started moving, he reached out and pulled me into his arms.

“Kaman isseo,” he whispered when I tried to pull away.

I hated how his voice made me want to stay still for him. I hate how his arms made me melt and want to cling to him forever. I hated that I still wanted him back in my life, even when it was clear he couldn’t guarantee me anything. I hate that I still loved him.