Thoughts that niggle...

Sometime I find myself trapped in a thought… and the thought keeps occurring at random times. As much as I have chosen to release it, and to not be bothered by it, it comes back, and it niggles. This is how I usually decide I need to do something about it.

These days, I’m sick of such thoughts. Does everything have to be dealt with just because it makes me uncomfortable? Or are some things meant to exist whether we like it or not? I am constantly in fear of ruining relationships and causing loss of confidence. I tend to think that dealing with issues and talking about them helps build my confidence, but I am somehow coming to think that by doing so, I may inadvertently cause others to lose their confidence in making me happy.

I don’t know how to tell them, “It’s not you who is making me unhappy. It’s the situation we’re in that causes me to feel uneasy. And this uneasiness, I feel, is avoidable.” But in any case, there is no other way to resolve it other than the opposite party reacting and ‘fixing’ the situation in a way that will allow me to be able to accept it. I feel remorseful sometimes, that people have to go out of their comfort zones to console me, but I have not learned to not be bothered by the situations that I cannot accept. Hence, I will always need others to be considerate when it comes to how I feel.

Perhaps, people don’t understand because they have not felt a pain similar to mine. Honestly, no one understands how we feel. We can do our best and try to describe it, but there is a limit to the completeness of the picture we can paint. No one knows our pain as much as we do, and even if they are been through a similar pain, the operative word will be ‘similar’. One can try to relate, but one cannot truly understand.

So I try my best now, to always understand how others might feel. I try my best to accept that there are things I cannot and possibly need not try to change. But if it hurts too much, I will try my best to let people know that I am in pain, and I need them to understand and try not to aggravate, if not alleviate my pain. I can only hope the people who love me understand how hurt I am, and that they care enough to want to stop me from getting hurt.

The Honeymoon's Over?

At some point in time, all romantic relationships wind down a little, and it signifies what people call the end of the ‘honeymoon period’. The undying urge to see each other, be with each other and talk for hours has diminished. And both parties are supposed to take comfort in knowing that while all things are reduced, it does not signify a deterioration of the relationship.

But sometimes, we have an issue of onlookers and some people with ‘well-intentions’ offering you feedback. Feedback like, “Oh, the first 6 months are supposed to be the sweetest.” Or even, “You boyfriend should do this for you still. It’s too soon to wanna stop.” While they were indeed sincerely giving well-meant opinions based on their experiences, we gotta remember the key word will always be “their experiences”. When these words stir up insecurities within you, you have got to remember that, it’s all about their experiences, and nothing to do with what you are experiencing.

Each relationship has a different speed of development, whether it is due to the characters of the couple, or circumstances. Hence, never judge this relationship in relation to other relationships. Sit down and think about the way your relationship had developed, and remind yourself of all the milestones you have achieved together so far. But in any case, the best thing you can do is to discuss it.

Sometimes, this happens when either party has become burnt out, and needs to reduce efforts. Sometimes it happens because either party has gotten comfortable enough to not require so much contact to feel involved in the relationship. Whatever the reason is, it will be good to discuss the situation and assure the more active party that the relationship is not deteriorating. While contact may have been reduced, it doesn’t mean they are not being thought of or cared about. Try to come to a middle ground or even discuss how the active party can be helped to be transitioned into a ‘slow-down’ state. Once this effort is made, the situation will have a chance of calming down and the relationship can proceed in peace.

To assume, is one of human’s most common mistakes. When you assume the other person understands, or even they know you still care for or love them, it’s creating opportunity for misunderstanding to occur. I'd like to call it, 'assumption begets assumption'. If you assume they know you care, they may assume you don't really care. So some things do need to be said. For the sake of clarity and making sure all bases are covered, you need to be vocal about it so that the other party will have no chance to feel insecure by a sudden or even gradual change in your attitude.

While each person is ultimately responsible for handling their own insecurities, we should still do our best to help the person we love or care for to feel better so that they can be encouraged to overcome it. This is by no means coddling the person. Encouragement is the best thing you can give anyone feeling negative. They are seeds to help a person start growing positive thoughts.

Open, honest and willing communication can solve a lot of problems. So if we take the time to air our feelings in an honest and caring manner, we would eventually come to understand each other better, and allow the relationship to grow :)

Are some things better left unsaid?

Every single day, we humans communicate to get by in our lives. Asking for directions, requesting a service, discussion at work and even greeting people we meet. But are there times, where there are things better left unsaid? If you refrain from speaking your thoughts, would it result in a breakdown in communication?

I am by nature, a communicative person. I love speaking to people, and I appreciate it greatly when people reciprocate. But there are those times where you feel that what you are about to say may:

1.       Upset the person

2.       Fall on deaf ears or be ignored

3.       Cause the opposite effect that you wish to have

Basically, the above sums up to the other person possibly not wanting to hear you out, or perhaps the words you have said did not strike a positive chord with them. But even if this is about to happen, should we forgo the communication, and just let the thought sit and fester in our minds? My answer, after my experiences, is ‘No’.

I have learned in my years that letting thoughts fester in your heart and mind is the worst way to go about things. First of all, it makes you unhappy, because the other person doesn’t know how you feel. Eventually, your unhappiness seeps out of your being, bit by bit, into your actions, you words, your expressions. You may not even mean or wish to communicate that unhappiness, but somehow it just finds a way to spread out and poison your whole being, and the result of this may probably be as bad as if you’d said it out in the first place.

Why do we hold back? Most of us are afraid of souring or damaging the relationship we have with the people around us. Hence, we keep things to ourselves because we think it would be best left unsaid. But as the process I mentioned above takes place. You will find that perhaps it would have been better to have just found a sincere and tactful way to communicate the thought to begin with, since you were going to ultimately end up souring the relationship with your sour attitude.

If someone was making you sad, hurting you or even putting you down way too often by being condescending and insensitive… you need to tell them. Everyone deserves respect, and a chance to explain their actions. If they have no good explanation, then you will know that you’d been worrying about losing something that you didn’t need to keep in the first place. Even in a professional setting, being forthright could mean making your days at the office much more bearable because you have set things right with certain people.

After all that’s being said, I think the key to effective communication is courage. Having the strength in you to believe that your loved one will understand your innermost feelings and having the courage to know when your feelings and opinions are not appreciated, which may bring you to a point where you need to reevaluate your relationships with the people you fail to communicate with.

As the above image suggests, the same applies to a professional setting too. Being suitably vocal in the workplace and for your career is important because being able to get your points across is important to ensure that you are understood, and you can perform your job well. Conquering personal barriers to become an effective communicator is a lifelong lesson. No one is born an effective communicator. We all learn by trial and error. The key is to not let the errors scare you from trying again until you find the best approach to get through to the intended party.

The final thing that we need to note when communicating any dreaded thoughts would be… to listen. Listen to what the other party has to say for themselves, about you. Why? Because at the end of the day, communication is a two-way process. When communication only happens in one direction, the other party deems it as… nagging.. imposing your opinions... :P Get your point across, and try to consider what they have to say too. If you can learn to do that effectively all the time, you will never have to hold back and keep anything to yourself ever again.

Valentine's: The Practical Approach?

I love Valentine's Day... not because I get to receive flowers and candy, but simply it gives me more reason to spend extra time with my loved one.

Some say, "Every day could be Valentine's Day."

But we all know that we humans aren't that perfect. To maintain the level of attentiveness and commitment that could make every day Valentine's Day is quite an ambitious goal, which I have yet to see anyone achieve. In fact, it doesn't make sense at all because we humans have our ups and downs each day. Some days we wake up, raring and ready to go. Others, we may wake up on the wrong side of the bed, leaving us grouchy for the better half of the day, which means we would be in no state of mind to be putting anyone's whims before our need to be grouchy. Haha!

Hence, I believe every holiday or special occasion, not just Valentine's Day, should be celebrated. Sure we can postpone it, but I believe that we should never miss it. Why? Simply because it gives us a chance to make up for all those less than quality times we spent with our loved one. It gives us the opportunity to do a little more and be a little sweeter than usual, without seeming like a crazy person, because it's a special day :)

And what of gifts? Well, in my opinion, gifts are necessary, but they can come in many forms...

1. Favours e.g. a massage

Chilling at home after a simple dinner... watching a DVD, and then very naturally giving your loved one a massage. That would be a lovely gesture on your part... and may lead to sexy time! Hehe! Others may be cooking a meal, setting up a bubble bath (if you have a tub), stocking his/her fridge and... ironing? LOL!

2. Expression e.g. a nice handwritten card

A good way to express some thoughts you may normally not want to say in person. I paired mine with a compilation CD of songs, which my boyfriend ended up not liking anyway cos it's not his style. Haha! But he appreciated the thought and effort, so it does matter that you try to do something.

One of my cousins wrote his girlfriend a nice long letter for her... birthday? I forgot. These things, you get to keep in your drawer and cherish for life. You re-read them when you want to remember the best times, until they get dog-eared, and someday, you can show your children what a great relationship you had :)

3. Object e.g. a present he/she would like/need

A new vacuum cleaner for the wife? LOL! Wives out there are about to kill me. Haha! I believe presents can be practical. I received a sports watch with a heart rate monitor from my boyfriend on my recent birthday. It was a simple and very thoughtful gift because he wanted to motivate me to get in shape. In the end... it did :) Other practical gifts can be a new electronic gadget (if his/hers is already broken), face/body care products (so that he/she can take better care of himself/herself), coveted makeup products (my friend's hubby bought her UD's Naked 2 and scored many many points... ask her girl friends if you need advise), a new shaver for him or even the new game he's been itching to buy, and a gold bar instead of jewelry?

To be honest, buying household appliances may not be romantic, but if the purchase can make his/her life easier or more enjoyable, it's definitely alright to go ahead, be it a vacuum cleaner, shaver, blender, television or a new sound system you can both enjoy. If it makes both of you happier, why not?

4. Experience e.g. an enjoyable date or short trip

Plan a nice date... it doesn't have to be at a posh restaurant. It could be just taking the initiative to book the movie tickets and dinner venue and just taking him/her there. Or even a nice long dinner, followed by a long stroll on the boardwalk, in a park, by the sea... etc. My friend brought her hubby to a shooting range as a Valentine's Day gift. How cool is that?! ^_^

Trips don't have to be extravagant either. It could be just a quick weekend trip to a nearby island destination, a night at a nice hotel in the city, or even a day at the amusement park or a hike on the hills. The key here is to spend quality time as a couple... talking, laughing, enjoying each other's company.

I suppose you may have noticed by now that not once have I mentioned the staple gifts of roses and chocolates. I do love receiving flowers like every girl, but I always get a huge headache after I receive them. Where will I put them? And when they dry out, it seems like a huge waste to throw them out. This lead me to the conclusion that I don't want to receive flowers anymore, and stuffed toys too. Plants are fine though :) They live on and on... as long as I don't kill them. Hehe! As for chocolates and sweets, well... they're just like any other food. I'd rather have a good Japanese or Korean meal which probably costs as much as a box of chocolate or candy on Valentine's Day. Hehe!

So I guess the take away from this post is that we should all find time to spend quality time with our loved one. If we can't make it a habit to have fixed date nights, then holidays and special occasions give you a good avenue to do so. Don't waste them :)