Thoughts that niggle...

Sometime I find myself trapped in a thought… and the thought keeps occurring at random times. As much as I have chosen to release it, and to not be bothered by it, it comes back, and it niggles. This is how I usually decide I need to do something about it.

These days, I’m sick of such thoughts. Does everything have to be dealt with just because it makes me uncomfortable? Or are some things meant to exist whether we like it or not? I am constantly in fear of ruining relationships and causing loss of confidence. I tend to think that dealing with issues and talking about them helps build my confidence, but I am somehow coming to think that by doing so, I may inadvertently cause others to lose their confidence in making me happy.

I don’t know how to tell them, “It’s not you who is making me unhappy. It’s the situation we’re in that causes me to feel uneasy. And this uneasiness, I feel, is avoidable.” But in any case, there is no other way to resolve it other than the opposite party reacting and ‘fixing’ the situation in a way that will allow me to be able to accept it. I feel remorseful sometimes, that people have to go out of their comfort zones to console me, but I have not learned to not be bothered by the situations that I cannot accept. Hence, I will always need others to be considerate when it comes to how I feel.

Perhaps, people don’t understand because they have not felt a pain similar to mine. Honestly, no one understands how we feel. We can do our best and try to describe it, but there is a limit to the completeness of the picture we can paint. No one knows our pain as much as we do, and even if they are been through a similar pain, the operative word will be ‘similar’. One can try to relate, but one cannot truly understand.

So I try my best now, to always understand how others might feel. I try my best to accept that there are things I cannot and possibly need not try to change. But if it hurts too much, I will try my best to let people know that I am in pain, and I need them to understand and try not to aggravate, if not alleviate my pain. I can only hope the people who love me understand how hurt I am, and that they care enough to want to stop me from getting hurt.

The Honeymoon's Over?

At some point in time, all romantic relationships wind down a little, and it signifies what people call the end of the ‘honeymoon period’. The undying urge to see each other, be with each other and talk for hours has diminished. And both parties are supposed to take comfort in knowing that while all things are reduced, it does not signify a deterioration of the relationship.

But sometimes, we have an issue of onlookers and some people with ‘well-intentions’ offering you feedback. Feedback like, “Oh, the first 6 months are supposed to be the sweetest.” Or even, “You boyfriend should do this for you still. It’s too soon to wanna stop.” While they were indeed sincerely giving well-meant opinions based on their experiences, we gotta remember the key word will always be “their experiences”. When these words stir up insecurities within you, you have got to remember that, it’s all about their experiences, and nothing to do with what you are experiencing.

Each relationship has a different speed of development, whether it is due to the characters of the couple, or circumstances. Hence, never judge this relationship in relation to other relationships. Sit down and think about the way your relationship had developed, and remind yourself of all the milestones you have achieved together so far. But in any case, the best thing you can do is to discuss it.

Sometimes, this happens when either party has become burnt out, and needs to reduce efforts. Sometimes it happens because either party has gotten comfortable enough to not require so much contact to feel involved in the relationship. Whatever the reason is, it will be good to discuss the situation and assure the more active party that the relationship is not deteriorating. While contact may have been reduced, it doesn’t mean they are not being thought of or cared about. Try to come to a middle ground or even discuss how the active party can be helped to be transitioned into a ‘slow-down’ state. Once this effort is made, the situation will have a chance of calming down and the relationship can proceed in peace.

To assume, is one of human’s most common mistakes. When you assume the other person understands, or even they know you still care for or love them, it’s creating opportunity for misunderstanding to occur. I'd like to call it, 'assumption begets assumption'. If you assume they know you care, they may assume you don't really care. So some things do need to be said. For the sake of clarity and making sure all bases are covered, you need to be vocal about it so that the other party will have no chance to feel insecure by a sudden or even gradual change in your attitude.

While each person is ultimately responsible for handling their own insecurities, we should still do our best to help the person we love or care for to feel better so that they can be encouraged to overcome it. This is by no means coddling the person. Encouragement is the best thing you can give anyone feeling negative. They are seeds to help a person start growing positive thoughts.

Open, honest and willing communication can solve a lot of problems. So if we take the time to air our feelings in an honest and caring manner, we would eventually come to understand each other better, and allow the relationship to grow :)

The Power of Forgiveness

All this time, when I read about forgiving and moving on, I simply took in the idea, and agreed. I have never really carried out a proper act of forgiveness or felt its true power before.

Today, I was thinking about something hurtful that happened to me some time ago. I relived the pain, the hurt and bewilderment I felt back then in the 5 to 10 minutes that I replayed the incident over, and over again in my mind. I realised that I was starting to feel sick. My chest felt constricted, my stomach souring from the gastric juices that were secreted due to the stress, and my heart felt so heavy with sadness and pain. Then, all of a sudden, I decided it was enough. What happened had happened. It was already in the past. I no longer wanted to relive it or even be controlled by the fear it had created and planted in me. If it happens again, I would definitely have the sense and courage to remove myself from the person who is hurting me, but for now, what I need to do is to forgive.

A friend told me: To forgive a person, you need to express it to the person. Let the person know that whether or not he/she is worthy of your forgiveness, you will forgive him/her. Only with this sincere expression of forgiveness, you will be able to move on and be released from the pain.

But I believe that sometimes, a person may not be ready to hear of your forgiveness. This person may not understand what needs your forgiveness for perhaps the incident had passed, and they prefer if it not be dredged up again. Or maybe this person is no longer part of your life? This is where I am applying my personal method. I did it today, and I felt freer of pain than I had been in a long time. I am now free of the fear that this incident had planted in me all this time, and I can take another step forward in my journey to personal freedom.

At first, it was only a thought in my head. I told myself it was time to forgive and move on. If you love yourself enough, or even if you loved the person enough, you will forgive them. But that does not mean you tolerate the action. It only means that you recognise it as a hurtful action this person had done unto you, and you will not continue or repeatedly judge or condemn the person for it. After this thought had materialised in my head, I felt some of the load had lifted, and I felt so happy. I was so happy, that I decided to move on to the next step.

The next thing I did, was to verbalise the forgiveness. Since I couldn't say it to the person, I wrote a letter to the person. In the letter, I wrote about how I recognise the action had been done, but because I would like us both to move on and heal from it. I am forgiving this person for it because I want to release the person from the burden of carrying the blame for hurting me. I want this person to know that what was done is forgiven. Because I want to be able to continue to love this person in earnest, I will forgive, and hopefully from now on, this person will feel nothing but love from me. No more blame, no more judgement and no more condemnation... I wish this person to be free from the dark moments we had because of the incident.

By the time I finished the letter, I felt like a different person. It's like one of those scenes in a movie, where a smoke of darkness leaves a person's body to dissipate into thin air. I felt free of pain... to the point that the very thought of that dark time didn't even prick me. It became just a thought, a happening... sort of like a leaf that happened to fall on the pavement; nothing.

So if you have always thought that you forgave someone for something they'd committed against you, but all you did was just ignore the person or incident, try to forget it, or simply suppress it in your memory... I am here to attest that this pain will come back to haunt you. The best way to move on and release yourself from this is to face it; understand that what the person did was nothing personal to you (refer back to Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements), and forgive them... for it is not your fault or doing that they did it, and to understand that you have no control over what people do. It is especially easy to believe that none of this is your fault, if you have done your best to be impeccable all this time. You can take your moment to relive the whole incident and reassess it, but once you are done, tell yourself that it was not your fault it happened. Once you have done that, tell the person...

"I forgive you. Whether or not you are deserving of forgiveness, I forgive you. Because I want to release myself from this pain so that I may heal and move on, and I wish for you to release yourself from the guilt and burden of hurting me so that you may do the same."

Well... do it in any way that you like, but just try to express the forgiveness; be it on paper or verbally to the person in question. Whether or not the act of forgiveness is appreciated, it doesn't matter. The most important thing is... you are now free from that pain :)

Love is a choice

I have just completed reading Dr. Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages. I realised I should’ve bought the one for singles, but I guess I can just get to that another time. For now, I would just like to share what I have learned from the book.

One of the key ideas that I have learned is:

“Love is a choice. We can request love, but we cannot demand love.”

For most people, it is very instinctive to demand love. Even for me. I have demanded love for a very long time. Probably because I had strict and demanding parents, demanding teachers, and in general… society simply demands that we do certain things, and behave in certain ways. I’ll get into the ideas of society and family after I finish Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements, but meanwhile, let’s talk about how we demand for love in our lives.

We are taught to request for favours, request for service and request for assistance. But no one in our lives has taught us that even love had to be requested. We grew up thinking that love is a natural progression. That love was a given when you were in a family, friendship or relationship. We always think, “Isn’t it natural that he/she would love me?” In a more negative state of mind, we think, “Why does he/she not love me?” or "If he/she loved me, he/she would/would not do this." If this is the state of mind we are in, we are more or less already taking love for granted.

A lot of people tell me, if a person loves you, he would know what to do to please you. That would be true, if he knew what my love language was. Because if he was speaking to me in his love language, and we happened to not share the same love language, I would not perceive whatever he was doing as an act of love. I would probably acknowledge, “Well, yes, he does these things for me.” But I may fail to appreciate that it is an expression of love from him. I’m not about to start writing about the 5 love languages for fear I would misinterpret or misrepresent the concept. So I hope those who read this will pick up the book and read it. I do believe it helps us learn how to love better.

Let’s go back to the point, ‘Love is a choice.’ I have learned that whether a person chooses to express love to you in the way that you need him/her to, it is solely his/her choice. We can give the person pointers, by requesting how we would like to be loved, but at the end of the day, it is the person’s choice to comply, or to continue going about it using their own method. But if we were to continuously demand them to change their methods for us; they may possibly begin to be resistant to our ideas because they feel we are imposing our methods on them.

This brings me to the next idea:

"Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself."

Of course this is not to say that you are selfish when you perform acts of love because you want them to love you back. Perhaps most of the time we are simply misguided by the simple ideas of cause and effect that we are so accustomed to. Of course we will still get upset and angry when we feel our efforts have been for nought because the ones we loved did not show love and appreciation or react the way we hoped they would. It is human for us to feel this way, but we can learn to better deal with our disappointments.

We need to learn what is usually deemed as ‘unconditional love’. This doesn’t mean we should allow someone to abuse, disrespect, disregard, or even belittle us just because they have the ‘upper hand’ of having us love them unconditionally. If you are in love with a person who constantly does these negative things to you, then you may need to really examine why this is happening and possibly seek help. Otherwise, what ‘unconditional love’ requires is that we seek to first love them in the way we know that they may want to be loved. Our goal is to fulfil them, and make them feel truly loved by us, simply because we want what’s best for them, and we want them to be happy. We will soon see that if they truly feel loved by us, acts of appreciation from them will soon follow. If they feel loved, they will eventually be inclined to love us back, and even make the effort to comply with our requests for love and start learning how we would like to be loved.

But we should not be disheartened if our actions did not result in swift, positive results, or even when it’s not working at all. We may be simply speaking the wrong love language to them, or perhaps they need a bit more time to come around. True love and commitment requires us to keep going, to keep trying until we succeed in making the person we love feel loved. So in the spirit of love, we should not rush things, and patiently continue to love them till the day they become willing to love us in the way we hope they would.

Lastly, it’s a lot about faith in love that keeps us going. We need to have faith that the one we love does love us in return, and perhaps they just don’t know how, or cannot be accustomed to the way we need to be loved. So have faith in their love, and have faith that they will come to love you back in the way you need to be loved, in the way that makes you happiest.

Valentine's: The Practical Approach?

I love Valentine's Day... not because I get to receive flowers and candy, but simply it gives me more reason to spend extra time with my loved one.

Some say, "Every day could be Valentine's Day."

But we all know that we humans aren't that perfect. To maintain the level of attentiveness and commitment that could make every day Valentine's Day is quite an ambitious goal, which I have yet to see anyone achieve. In fact, it doesn't make sense at all because we humans have our ups and downs each day. Some days we wake up, raring and ready to go. Others, we may wake up on the wrong side of the bed, leaving us grouchy for the better half of the day, which means we would be in no state of mind to be putting anyone's whims before our need to be grouchy. Haha!

Hence, I believe every holiday or special occasion, not just Valentine's Day, should be celebrated. Sure we can postpone it, but I believe that we should never miss it. Why? Simply because it gives us a chance to make up for all those less than quality times we spent with our loved one. It gives us the opportunity to do a little more and be a little sweeter than usual, without seeming like a crazy person, because it's a special day :)

And what of gifts? Well, in my opinion, gifts are necessary, but they can come in many forms...

1. Favours e.g. a massage

Chilling at home after a simple dinner... watching a DVD, and then very naturally giving your loved one a massage. That would be a lovely gesture on your part... and may lead to sexy time! Hehe! Others may be cooking a meal, setting up a bubble bath (if you have a tub), stocking his/her fridge and... ironing? LOL!

2. Expression e.g. a nice handwritten card

A good way to express some thoughts you may normally not want to say in person. I paired mine with a compilation CD of songs, which my boyfriend ended up not liking anyway cos it's not his style. Haha! But he appreciated the thought and effort, so it does matter that you try to do something.

One of my cousins wrote his girlfriend a nice long letter for her... birthday? I forgot. These things, you get to keep in your drawer and cherish for life. You re-read them when you want to remember the best times, until they get dog-eared, and someday, you can show your children what a great relationship you had :)

3. Object e.g. a present he/she would like/need

A new vacuum cleaner for the wife? LOL! Wives out there are about to kill me. Haha! I believe presents can be practical. I received a sports watch with a heart rate monitor from my boyfriend on my recent birthday. It was a simple and very thoughtful gift because he wanted to motivate me to get in shape. In the end... it did :) Other practical gifts can be a new electronic gadget (if his/hers is already broken), face/body care products (so that he/she can take better care of himself/herself), coveted makeup products (my friend's hubby bought her UD's Naked 2 and scored many many points... ask her girl friends if you need advise), a new shaver for him or even the new game he's been itching to buy, and a gold bar instead of jewelry?

To be honest, buying household appliances may not be romantic, but if the purchase can make his/her life easier or more enjoyable, it's definitely alright to go ahead, be it a vacuum cleaner, shaver, blender, television or a new sound system you can both enjoy. If it makes both of you happier, why not?

4. Experience e.g. an enjoyable date or short trip

Plan a nice date... it doesn't have to be at a posh restaurant. It could be just taking the initiative to book the movie tickets and dinner venue and just taking him/her there. Or even a nice long dinner, followed by a long stroll on the boardwalk, in a park, by the sea... etc. My friend brought her hubby to a shooting range as a Valentine's Day gift. How cool is that?! ^_^

Trips don't have to be extravagant either. It could be just a quick weekend trip to a nearby island destination, a night at a nice hotel in the city, or even a day at the amusement park or a hike on the hills. The key here is to spend quality time as a couple... talking, laughing, enjoying each other's company.

I suppose you may have noticed by now that not once have I mentioned the staple gifts of roses and chocolates. I do love receiving flowers like every girl, but I always get a huge headache after I receive them. Where will I put them? And when they dry out, it seems like a huge waste to throw them out. This lead me to the conclusion that I don't want to receive flowers anymore, and stuffed toys too. Plants are fine though :) They live on and on... as long as I don't kill them. Hehe! As for chocolates and sweets, well... they're just like any other food. I'd rather have a good Japanese or Korean meal which probably costs as much as a box of chocolate or candy on Valentine's Day. Hehe!

So I guess the take away from this post is that we should all find time to spend quality time with our loved one. If we can't make it a habit to have fixed date nights, then holidays and special occasions give you a good avenue to do so. Don't waste them :)

Of Disappointment & Heartaches

I'm writing this on behalf of myself and some stuff my friends are going through... and I'm thinking... we all need to read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

So many of us, in so many occasions, have probably done something for someone we like, love, cherish, respect and care for... only to feel that they don't seem to feel the same about us. In return, we become depressed or upset, and we react in possibly the stupidest ways people can imagine. What does it bring us? Only humiliation, disappointment and heartache because we acted on that impulsive moment of dissatisfaction.

I can't count how many times I have done this in my entire life, with so many relationships... be they with my boyfriend, my friends or my family. When they don't react in the way I expect them to towards something I have done, I start to get depressed. I'd wonder why the person doesn't understand my intentions. I'd wonder why the person wouldn't react the way I wanted him/her to. I'd wonder why he/she is being mean to me. These feelings of depression sometimes escalate into resentment, and if I'm lucky... full-blown anger.

The worst thing a person can do is to try all means to get the expected reaction from the other party. This is where the humiliation I mentioned earlier starts to surface. You don't realise it, but you demean and humiliate yourself as you attempt again and again to get the attention and required reaction from the other party. And when you fail again after your N-th try, you may start thinking, "Oh my god... I've made such a fool of myself. The other person probably thinks I'm a psycho, nutcase, needy bitch, retard, etc." (insert any other description of a fool you prefer). Then you may start doing stuff that's supposed to 'redeem' you for your earlier bout of insanity. And the cycle continues until you regain your sanity and realise it's time to just S-T-O-P! Stop before you reach the point of no return... stop before you destroy everything you have. The silliest thing is that maybe, and you'll be damn lucky if this is true... the other person was not affected at all. They didn't even know what has happened nor do they know about the torment you've put yourself through because of them.

I just told a friend earlier "No point being disappointed in people who don't understand your true feelings and thoughts. Let them be..."

This is not to ask the person to write the other person off, but to understand that different people have different ways of expressing themselves to you. If the world actually understood that everyone has their way of expressing love, care and concern, I believe everyone would be much happier. I've been seeing a lot of writings of this topic as of late, so I'm also putting in my 2 cents worth on this issue.

It's a tough process... to understand that while your partner may not be into cuddling, it doesn't mean your partner doesn't want to be near you... to understand while a person you like always gives you full attention, it doesn't necessarily the person likes you the same way yet... to understand that while a person only checks in on you with short messages throughout the day to see if you're well, it doesn't mean the person doesn't care as much as a person who has long conversations with you all day long... to understand that while a person has sooo much to say to you, it doesn't mean that they want your attention 24/7 because they're needy. If all of us took the time to see the good things these people do for us, we may be able to downplay the things that don't seem to go right for us.

And for those 'unaffected people', it may be good to reflect on how you treat others and understand the impact you have on them. Maybe you need to try not to be too nice if you don't mean for the other person to mistake your niceness for liking? Maybe you need to be a bit more sensitive to the other person's feelings so that you don't say something callous when they need some comforting words from you? Maybe you need to speak less and speak of things that really matter so that your words will carry more weight, or so that the other person will pay more attention to what you want to convey?

I'm beginning to learn how to accept the good that people do for me, and discount and move on for the times they don't really react the way I want them to. Eventually, it's not about winning anymore, and if there is always tomorrow, there is always hope to try another day. Hehe! But... if you've managed to upgrade your mindset, you won't really care anymore if the person doesn't react exactly the way you want them to. Instead, you're just happy if they reacted at all. LOL! Some people may say this is being 'easily contented', but I will just call this 'counting your blessings', and not letting your dissatisfaction take you for a spin. You may realise much later that it was so petty, it wasn't worth the disappointment and heartache to begin with.

Good night people :)