I Dream of Dreams?

I believe I have mentioned that I have a hard time writing fiction these days. I often start with a great story, but I end up getting stuck.

I was speaking to a friend the other day, and I am beginning to realise that I get stuck because I am afraid. I am afraid of letting my inner thoughts go, for fear of being judged for them. I'm concerned that my readers may think, "Is this this a personal experience?" or "Is this some secret fantasy of hers?" or "Is she sick or something?"

I have forgotten that creative expression doesn't always have to be tied to your very being.

Why can't I write a sadist story, an erotic story or a heart-breaking story without being judged? I am sure in the past, my readers have never judged me for them - even when they knew that most of them were dreams of mine. Dreams of a life I had wanted for myself. Sure there are times I wish I could write about my life... but I guess because even I could not accept my past, and I did not want the people in my future to judge me for my past. Hence, they will never be verbalised or published. Maybe it's because of my honest nature, that I tend to not write just for the sake of creating entertainment. I try to write from my heart.

You care too much about what people think. You want to be liked. You're a people-pleaser. You have approval-addiction. All these describe my state of mind. I admit to them. It will take me a long time before I can 'take things easy' and come to terms with the fact that some people will always want to judge me. And there are those who will always love me for being me.

I've been itching to write fictions lately. But somehow have not brought myself to start for the fear of having another half-done project. And it's not that I don't have ample material. I dream a lot. I have always dreamed all my life. I rarely have a night where I fall asleep and wake up when it's daylight. I would always dream. Sometimes these dreams are what I call 'Hollywood-worthy'.

I'd dream of a story, a plot worthy of making a movie out of. I'd still be able to remember most of it when I wake up, because most of the time, the events are so vivid. But I would never write them down, because I am pretty sure I'd get stuck halfway. Maybe I need to find a way to develop plots. Maybe start plotting outlines for the stories. I don't know. I hope when I feel strong enough to write my stories again, they're gonna be awesome. For now, I would blog, I would write for work... it's just no longer easy to write creatively, for myself.

A reader of mine asked me today, if I would ever write again. I said to her, "Maybe when everything calms down, and I find that center again. Perhaps then. I hope I can do it."

What Do I Write?

I just felt like writing. I hope this is a sign that my ‘juices’ are coming back, cos my brain has been feeling like dried oatmeal for awhile now. Honestly I have nothing in particular that I wanted to write about. But I just felt compelled by an invisible force to open up MS Word and start typing. So here I am, with BNR in my ears to keep my brain oiled :P

Maybe I should write about BNR first. So I picked up BNR a few weeks ago. Honestly I know close to nothing about them, but I think their R&B sounds are AWESOME. Let me dig up some info since I started talking about them. No Wiki, but I managed to find a profile on MWave (http://mwave.interest.me/kstar/181294/b-n-r-brand-new-radio-/albums).

So BNR is an acronym for Brand New Radio. And they’re a 2-member band. Not particularly good-looking. So you can say that I am really just in for the music ;) I started getting into them when I heard 아무 말도 없었다 (Did Not Say Anything). Then when I heard their collaboration with Sanchez from Phantom, 흔들었어 (Shaken), I was very hooked. So now I have 2 of their mini albums on repeat on my iPod :D Their instrumentals are just awesome, and invoke so much emotion in me.

Music plays a very big part in building up the right mood for me to write. I have written chapters just listening to Hans Zimmerman’s soundtrack for The Holiday. But sometimes, it can be hard to concentrate and produce certain thoughts when I have music in my ears. I guess that’s when I have writer’s block and nothing I can do to free my brain.

I hate how I feel inspired to write a story, and after 2-3 paragraphs, I find I can’t continue. Maybe it’s because to be able to continue, I would have to immerse myself into the story, and really explore how it will progress. I haven’t done that in a long time. Back then, I was living the stories. When it was a sad chapter, I’d be sad. When it was a troubling chapter, I’d be so troubled and stressed. I contemplate if it’s actually safe to let myself ‘get into character’ like that when I still need to keep my brain for my day job. I remember those days when I’d much rather write my fiction than to do the work I’m given in the office. It’s dangerous.

So yea… I don’t know what I wanna write about. I thought I would just blog about general stuff and silly things that happen to me, but they just don’t seem as interesting as fiction. Haha! I need to sit me down and really figure out what I wanna do :P

I challenge myself :)

For the longest time, I only blogged when I was sad. Writing became an outlet of expression for when I was feeling depressed, stressed and negative. It was recently that I came to realise that… no one wants to read about sadness all the time.

Sure, friends would sympathise when you occasionally wrote about the bad day you had at work, or the occasional disagreement you had with your boyfriend, but no one would be interested to read or even hear about it day in, day out. Even if I were the best writer or storyteller, I don’t think anyone would like to be, or should be exposed to that amount of negativity for an extended period of time. In a way, this is why I ‘reactivated’ this blog.

My new goal was to write about life; I would write about my achievements, and I would write about my failures. All in all, the goal was to provide my readers with a good mix of stories about my life and share my new discoveries. In order to achieve that, I look to my everyday life to find new inspiration and stories to share.

Alternatively, I could end up one being one of those sarcastic bloggers that attack and deride everything they see each day. But that’s not me. I am learning that even complaining about something is negative energy where you need to limit your audience. You’ll never know if it backfires on you, like when you bitched about something to the wrong person and end up getting backstabbed.

I am reminded daily by Don Miguel Ruiz's 1st agreement:

Be Impeccable With Your Word

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Hence, my new goal as a writer is to entertain and inspire! ^_^

Moving forward, I would like to challenge myself to write about more diverse topics. Politics will probably not be my thing, but generally, I believe I can write about anything else. A friend from university asked me if I would try writing a script for something he wants to film this year, and I am seriously considering trying it out :) Really hope I can do it.

What would you like to read about? Let me know and perhaps I can put my skills to the test and write a piece about it. Post your requested topics below! ^_^

Trying to make that new beginning...

I've been pondering how I was gonna start writing again, and here I am, still a little clueless, but I guess what I can do, at the very least, is share life experiences that may be able to help people in their lives? LOL! If all else fails, I guarantee you at least a good read for the next 5-15 mins; depending on your reading speed.

So... I am no journalist. I have never majored in Journalism, English Lit, English, etc. Though at some point of my life I did regret that I never pursued any of the 3. I could've been awesome, could I? So pardon me if I use way to many ellipses, tildes and emoticons. I'm an untrained writer simply writing from my emotional states. You may find that I ramble and repeat myself way too much, but to be honest, I have gone from writing to please the masses to writing to please myself. I just love regurgitating all the thoughts in my brain onto this box on my Wordpress screen as it makes me feel like I've lost 500g of weight, or maybe burnt some calories whilst furiously exercising my brain and fingers. But of  course, I will spare you a thought and try to make my posts as easy to follow as possible.

This is quickly becoming a post about me and writing. But I guess it's a good start. Just so you know, I don't plan out what I wanna write. I had entertained the idea of blogging about my shitty morning the other day, where my soon-to-be-ex-boss called me and yelled "Don't fucking waste my time" at me over the phone. How professional of him! I should report him to the MAS, right? But I'm way too nice, and people tell me I'm way too soft on people all the time. But that's just me... so you may back me into a corner all you want, and if I don't bite back, someone will eventually bite you for me.

I've been asking myself, "What kind of a writer am I?", and I still really don't have a clue. I do like to go on and on about emotional stuff. LOL! But I do think I'm capable of writing something angry or witty too. Oh well... I guess since this is a reintroduction to myself, let's just keep it short and sweet. For those who enjoyed my writing in any form, be it just bitching about life or writing corny fan-fiction, I welcome you with open arms. Let's look forward to some real writing from me real soon :D