CELTA-schmelta~

So today, I was asking a friend regarding the certificates I would need to be able to teach English in Seoul; mainly to seem credible and qualified. She said TESOL, and I was like… what about TEFL? So I started searching around on the Internet, and I found that what I really needed was a CELTA (Certificate in English Language Teaching to Adults). So after more digging around, I found the school in Singapore which offered this course.

http://www.tesol.edu.sg/Cambridge-CELTA

I checked that this school was recognized by Cambridge. The British Council is also offering this certification, but they don’t provide a part time schedule. So I’m stuck with this school.

Well… I was supposed to shower once I got home, have dinner and start working on that ‘pre-interview task’ that the school gave me. But I got carried away calculating how I was gonna pay for this, and dinner was ready. So here I am, bloated after dinner, writing this while I wait for my food to digest a little before I jumped into the shower. Ok… TMI.

******

So, I have pretty much completed the pre-interview task. I dunno why they call it a task when it’s obviously a test :P I think I lost a chunk of my brain pondering the answers to this... Will I survive the entire course >_<

The main reason I am blogging is because I am still questioning myself. I am about spend $5,176 on this certification, with no guarantee if it’s going to be my magic ticket to teaching  English while I travel to different Asian countries. I’ve pretty much figured out how to pay for it, so the next step is how I am going to survive the next 8 weeks.

I have one weekday class, and on weekends, I will be attending class at 10am to 6pm on Saturdays and Sundays. So this means no sleeping in on weekends, no late nights, and no trips for the next 8 weeks starting 25 Sep. But I figured this would be a good time since I didn’t have plans to go anywhere anyway.

And because this is also going to create a sizable debt, this also means no shopping for the entire year :( Oh well... at least I am putting my money to good use.

So I’m just gonna review my work tomorrow before I send it out, because my brain is too taxed to be checking my work anymore tonight, and I believe the guy wants the interview to be completed chop-chop by Tuesday. So… wish me luck! Zzzzzzzz…

Moving Forward

Hello, hello~

I know I have not been writing for some time; a long, long time. It’s not that I have been feeling uninspired, but each time I have an idea, it only lasts for a few paragraphs. I am rarely able to follow through. What’s going on? In fact, I don’t even know how to continue writing this. Haha!

If you know me personally, or have been reading, you would’ve noticed that I ended a relationship awhile back. I never really wrote about the exact situation. Sometimes I feel like I am actually embarrassed about my past, and unable to relive any painful memories because they may have the ability to depress me all over again. Each time I go through a bad relationship, I have been tempted to write about it, to recount the entire process, but I always chickened out. They just seemed too personal and painful to recount in detail.

Today… I just have this urge to mention my past a little, and write about something new that has happened to me. This is as honest as I can get… so bear with me, eh? :D

I never knew what I was searching for. Of course I have expectations, but I realized that they were all superficial and only dealt with the surface level of a human being. People have always asked me what would my ideal man be like, and I have so far only been able to provide characteristics such as tall, athletic, stable, manly… I found a person like that awhile back. When I first met him, he had given me the impression that he was looking for commitment. In a way, he mentioned that he was looking for commitment. I took that as an indication that I could commit fully too, and even when there were signs that he didn’t seem all that ready to commit, I brushed them aside and continued investing myself into the relationship.

When I meet someone, my original ideals tend to become secondary. Sure I still know what I want, but I guess I magnify the little good, and try to ignore anything bad about this person. Why? Because I want so much for things to work out; who doesn’t? Time after time, I do this, and it wasn’t till the last relationship ended that I realized what I had been doing to myself.

There is nothing wrong in wanting to find ‘the one’, but sacrificing your identity and sanity in order to preserve something that probably did not exist is just plain stupidity. That’s what I did for at least 4 months out of the entire 6 months. I took everything that came my way; instructions, expectations, criticisms, and once in awhile, even insults. No, I was not abused, but in a way, I was not treated in the way I needed to be treated. I now marveled how I managed to stick with someone who couldn’t even tell me that he loved me.

While those 3 words could be overrated and misused, they mean a lot to me when a person takes time to say them. Everyone can agree that talk is cheap. But in any case, words will always be appreciated, and words will always provide comfort when you are feeling fearful, unsure and insecure. I had been unsure and insecure for 6 months, and I decided enough was enough. I am glad I had the courage to let go, and I thank the person who helped find my trigger point.

After it all ended, I just felt that the world had become a place where everyone was selfish, egotistical and no one actually honored their promises and commitments anymore. I spent a few months trying to ‘come to terms’ with the ‘state of the world’. But in this time, I realized that I had something really valuable in my life; friends. My friends were all there for me when I needed to talk and needed companionship. I don't have that many close friends, but I am glad those I have kept close to my side and close to my heart, they have always been wonderful to me. I hope that when they need me someday, I can be there for them too...

Let bygones be bygones

I learned a very important lesson today. One that I have heard of and received throughout the years, but did not truly commit to it. 

Let bygones be bygones.

I used to dwell so much on past things, and when I found out something that I didn't know had happened, I still got agitated and felt that I had to deal with and confront the matter. The point I totally missed was that it had happened. Nothing I do or say now can change it, and most of the time, doing or saying something about it won't even help the future.

One of my ex-bosses used to say, "The past has no future." I am beginning to believe in that doctrine. The past says nothing about our future and determines nothing about our future, unless we let it. 

It doesn't matter if you've failed in the past; you may have stumbled and fallen yesterday, last week or years ago, but you living in this time and day just means you have another opportunity to keep going and head towards the success and happiness you want.

It doesn't matter if someone has wronged you; whether they lied to you, betrayed you, hurt you or tried to destroy you. It has passed, and if you can forgive the person, you are already on your way to healing from the incident and progressing in life. Perhaps you may not forget, but forgiving removes the thorn from your flesh, and allows you to heal from the wound. The scar may always be there, but it only serves as a reminder, it can never hurt you again. 

It is also very important to not start assuming that you may screw up again, or that anyone else in the world can hurt you again, because then you'd be hanging on to the pain and you won't be moving on in life. Treat every bad incident as a one-off. Tell yourself that every day is an opportunity for something great to happen. You may encounter days when you fall back into grief or even anger in remembrance of the incident, but don't worry about that. Hit that 'reboot' button, and start over. If you can keep going long enough, soon it will become a habit, it will be natural for you to expect goodness in your life and there will be no room in your thoughts or life for the bad, the sad or anything negative.

If you're hanging on to something today, be it hurt, discontent or anger, forgive or let go of it. Tell yourself life if worth more than being miserable each day. Life is about enjoying the journey, and finishing knowing you made the most of every situation and appreciated every person who was in it.

So I say to you today, my friend, let bygones be bygones. Every day is a brand new and exciting day! :)

Slow in the Mornings

I’ve had this problem for years, and I’ve always concluded that I wasn’t a ‘morning person’. But there was one thing I have begun to notice in recent times. The earlier I got up, the easier it was to just ‘get up and go’. The longer I lay there on the bed, snoozing, or the later the hour I had to actually wake up, it gets harder to actually open my eyes and get off my comfy bed.

I don’t know if you have the same symptoms. Heavy head, aching body or perhaps some regular ailment you’ve always had; in my case, acid reflux. These things give us reasons, or perhaps if you want to be a little more forthright, excuses to just lie back, and keep snoozing. Another 5 minutes, another 10 minutes, another 15 minutes, and you realise you’re late :) I’ve always envied people who could just sit up and get off the bed the moment their alarm clock sounded, but I realised, it wasn’t that these people didn’t feel tired or aching, they’ve just made it a good habit to ‘get up and go’.

Yes… it’s a habit; one that we all need to form in slow succession. It doesn’t come naturally like breathing or needing a drink of water. We need to actually train ourselves to stop being… lazy. Haha! So what have I been doing to cure myself of this?

First thing I needed to resolve was my acid reflux problem. Somehow, this problem requires a mind over matter approach, and also some actions. Every night, I tell myself that I don’t have a problem, and I’m going to wake up feeling good. After 2-3 nights, lo and behold, it seemed to have worked. Second thing was actually a tip from my colleague… coffee in the morning is too acidic for my stomach. To be honest, I have been too addicted to coffee to stop having coffee with my breakfast, but after being reminded by my colleague, I decided it’s time to take better care of myself. I can still have coffee, just not in the mornings. So guess what? Acid reflux is now pretty much gone. So what is it that I have learnt? My problem was a result of a habit that I had refused to eliminate. Now that the habit was gone, the problem was diminishing. One down!

Alright! Next comes the problem with aching body or heavy head, probably from restless sleep or perhaps a strenuous workout from the day before? The second would be a pretty valid reason, but the first one, well, is an excuse. Yes, I will call it as it is now, even if I do experience it myself. It’s an excuse. I have learned that the moment you roll off that bed and get moving, the heavy head is going to lighten, and all those aches will eventually be forgotten.

One way I tried to motivate myself was:
‘If I woke up earlier, I could get ready leisurely.’

I don’t even have to look at the clock and just went about my routine and I would walk out of my home on time, unhurried, and not forget anything. So these days, I allow myself a small snooze still, but I would wake up, stick my mobile phone in the handbag (so I wouldn’t forget it when I left home), and start to get ready, without bothering to watch the time. Because I knew that if I had woken up on time, I would have ample time to get ready at a comfortable pace :) This has resulted in a very enjoyable process of getting ready for work.

Of course, if you want to work further backwards, you’d also have to make sure you go to bed on time and etc. But that’s another habit we shall examine at a later time.

Learning to be a ‘morning person’ is pretty much like making the effort to start working out for the first time or making the effort to learn a new skill. The first step matters a lot and every day after, you try again and again until you finally get comfortable with it. And when you do, you will find yourself bounding onto your feet in the mornings, even on a weekend! :P Yep... it will affect you so profoundly that you would even lose the urge to sleep in on weekends. Haha!

So, the truth is, we could really all not be a ‘morning person’, but we can all definitely learn to begin our day with more commitment and less laziness. In his article, The First 10 Minutes, Dr. Paul Osteen said that behavioural scientists have discovered that the first ten minutes of each day can set the course of your entire day. So, will you commit yourself to having a good start each morning so that you can start expecting an awesome day ahead? I’ve begun to see the benefits of it, and I am sure you will too! ^_^

Making Peace with Your Past

I am sure that many of us have past mistakes or past hurts, and I don’t think it would be presumptuous of me to say that most of us try to ‘forget’ about it and move on, when all we actually do is suppress the incident, and try to walk forward. However, like an iron ball and chain, from time to time, we are reminded that we’re not getting too far, because we are ‘suddenly reminded’ of the incidents. At that point, we would replay the whole scene in our heads, relive the hurt, the pain, the humiliation that came with it, and allow ourselves to feel miserable for that moment or sometimes, for a longer time than we should. Well, it doesn’t have to be that way.

Referring back to my previous post on forgiveness; Yes, sometimes there really isn’t anything to forgive, but most of the time, we revisit the past because we have not, so to speak, recovered from it. It still angers us when we think of how this person betrayed us. It still annoys us when we remember a foolish thing we had done. It still saddens us when we remember a loss, be it a person, object or perhaps a dream. But there is one thing we can all start doing to enable ourselves to let go much more easily. So the question I pose now is, “Are you ready to really let go of your past?”

Yes, that person hurt you. Call it bad judgement on your part or perhaps that person was really just lowly scum. Just sit down one last time, and think about how everything happened. Take note of the key points and learn from them. Then, tell yourself that it was a mistake, and mistakes happen, and that you will not make the same mistake again. But still, there is no reason to believe that everyone else will be out to hurt you. Have faith that you just happened to meet one bad person. That one bad person does not represent the entire human race.

Yes, you made a mistake. Call it momentary stupidity or perhaps you weren’t as alert as you should’ve been on that day. But no one is perfect, right? We have our different levels of ‘being our best’ each day, and that happened to be your best that day. Stop dwelling on it! I bet no one actually remembers that you even made that mistake. In any case, people are more interested in fresh humiliation. As soon as someone else makes a mistake, your mistake will be forgotten ;)

Sure, you missed a boat, lost your dream. Call it lack of determination or even bad luck. Do your dreams and goals end here? No they don’t! Find new ways to achieve them. If you can’t get exactly what you want anymore, ask yourself how you would be willing to settle, and start planning how to get there. It’s really how flexible you wanna be in the quest to make yourself feel happy and fulfilled.

Yes, you lost someone you love. It could be through death, or perhaps the person walked out of your life. But know that a person who passed on would want you to continue living happy and healthy, while a person who walked out on you couldn’t care less anymore. In either situation, you have a choice; be happy or be miserable. If you choose to be happy, the person who passed on will definitely be happy for you. As for that person who walked out on you… you’re showing that person you’re better off without him/her.

So what is the gist of it all? We all need to be honest about what happened, review it and let it go for real. Apologise if you need to, forgive if you need to, write it out and recount all the details, then tell yourself it has truly passed and you’re on your way to a new life. Don’t stick it in a shoebox in your closet and peek into it every now and then. Stick it in a shoebox, and throw it out! The sooner we get rid of negative emotional burdens, the lighter we feel, and the faster we are able to head out into a more promising future.

So do yourself a favour today, and choose to make peace with the past, then move on. Once you do, I am sure you will feel like you’ve just hit the ‘reboot’ button on your life and given it a fresh start :)

Faith vs Fear

I never knew how debilitating fear was, until I took a good look at how it has affected my life. I grew up in fear, and I am pretty sure most of us did to…

Fear that my parents would be displeased with me or punish me.
Fear of ghosts, and all things scary.
Fear I would not pass my exams.
Fear I will not have a good career.
Fear I will not find a good husband.
Fear I wasn’t attractive or intelligent enough.
Fear of being alone.
Fear of death.

All these things, one way or the other, have been dictating the way I lived life. They made me so insecure and fearful that I have lived life without conviction and confidence. People have always told me that I looked like a secure and confident person, but I would be honest now and say… that was a front, and when I did speak with confidence and conviction, it was mostly false bravado. Sad, isn’t it?

Other than reading Don Miguel Ruiz and Gary Chapman, I have recently been introduced to a new source of inspiration. It would be pretty radical for me to start calling him a source of inspiration because I come from a family of staunch Taoists, but Joel Osteen, a pastor, is now like a life mentor to me. Call it Fate, but I believe his messages came to me at the right time. They spoke directly to me.

“When you agree with fear, you are giving what you are fearing the right to come to pass,” Joel said in his message, Activate Faith, Not Fear.

I agree wholeheartedly. Pretty much, when we agree with a particular fear, our thinking and actions will begin to react in a way that may eventually cause that fear to come true. Some call it the ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’. When we continuously worry about something, we are going to start reacting to ‘prevent’ it from happening, not even knowing if it was going to happen in the first place, and eventually, our actions may cause it to not only happen, but to be blown out of proportion at the same time. I have definitely seen that happen to myself before.

So if you are worried about something you know you have no control of, or fearing something you know, deep inside, is irrational… STOP! Do not agree with the fear. Have faith!

Faith is the exact opposite of fear, because it is about believing that good things will happen to us. So… rather than believing that something bad is about to happen, wouldn't we rather believe that good things will come to us, and subconsciously act to enable them to happen? If I had known to turn all my fears to faith long ago, I am sure I would now be a happier, more confident and secure woman with a brighter future ahead of me. But it's never too late to start today, so let’s take all my earlier fears, and turn them into faith!

My parents love me and are proud of me.
There’s no reason to be afraid of ghosts for I have done nothing to offend them.
I will pass all of my exams because I do my best.
I will have an awesome career because I am intelligent and capable.
I will find a man who will love and cherish me for the rest of my life.
I am beautiful and exceptionally intelligent and talented.
I am never alone because I have awesome friends.
There is no reason to fear death if I have lived my life to the fullest, to the best of my abilities.

I am certain if we all believed in the good things in ourselves, good things will start happening to us. Try it today, and let me know if you feel more and more awesome as time passes :)

To be impeccable...

I completed Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements in one day, and I’m reading it all over again. This book has really struck a chord with me, and it has really spoken to me. As the title suggests, there are 4 agreements that make up the structure of the key message of this book.

The Four Agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Perhaps it is because of the book’s philosophical nature and also because it was written in a way where I felt as if the book was speaking to me. I sat up and paid attention, page after page. But most of all, from the moment I started reading it, I began to feel different.

The first thing I noticed was the way my body and mind started to feel calm. As I read on, and further understood what the book was trying to convey, I began to relate each idea with my life. I realised how much injustice I had been doing myself all this time. I had been reliving my past mistakes, judging myself all over again for each and every one of them, and punishing myself over and over again.

The worst thing is that the way I have been treating my loved ones have stemmed from my self-condemnation and fear. My fear that I would be loved less for being me caused me to behave the way I did; insecure, fearful and small. I belittled the person I was, and the person I could become, and I allowed negative comments from people, whether or not they were meant out of good or harm, to affect me greatly; sometimes without even considering if they were indeed true.

I also chanced upon a site ( http://www.toltecspirit.com/ ) by Gary van Warmerdam, and in his article “Be Impeccable with Your Word”, he said:

“To live with existing fears in your mind doesn’t fall into the category of being impeccable. Maintaining fears of public speaking, asking someone out on a date, or a fear of failing is not in the direction of love for your self. Keeping your self in fear is an ongoing expression in your own mind that causes you to hold back in your actions of love for your self and others. Fear is at the heart of NOT being impeccable.”

I had not been impeccable all this time, for I had not been able to free myself from the fears that stemmed from guilt and self-condemnation.

Moving forward, I will probably be working on a few pieces that I have been avoiding all this time. They involve telling the story of my pain; pain that I had been unwilling to put on paper because I was afraid that it could hurt me again… even if they were just words on paper. But I believe that if I can take the step to face the pain, I will sooner be able to release it, and move on with my life. Once I free myself from this past, I will be on my way to a brighter future.

The message I would like to bring across to those who are reading today is that I hope each person can come to truly appreciate themselves as they are, and be confident that they are worthy of ‘living in heaven’, i.e. to be happy. If you truly think you can improve yourself, go ahead and make that improvement. Do your best! Whatever you become, or whatever you remain as, could probably be the person you were meant to be. When you reach that checkpoint, tell yourself:

“This is the best I can be now, and I am happy because I performed to the best of my ability.”

Only you know who you really are and whether or not you are doing your very best to be true to yourself. If we learn to come to terms with our natural and true selves, at some point, we will come to realise that we become so happy and at peace with ourselves, that even if we were experiencing extreme fatigue, all we want to do is SMILE :)

Trying to make that new beginning...

I've been pondering how I was gonna start writing again, and here I am, still a little clueless, but I guess what I can do, at the very least, is share life experiences that may be able to help people in their lives? LOL! If all else fails, I guarantee you at least a good read for the next 5-15 mins; depending on your reading speed.

So... I am no journalist. I have never majored in Journalism, English Lit, English, etc. Though at some point of my life I did regret that I never pursued any of the 3. I could've been awesome, could I? So pardon me if I use way to many ellipses, tildes and emoticons. I'm an untrained writer simply writing from my emotional states. You may find that I ramble and repeat myself way too much, but to be honest, I have gone from writing to please the masses to writing to please myself. I just love regurgitating all the thoughts in my brain onto this box on my Wordpress screen as it makes me feel like I've lost 500g of weight, or maybe burnt some calories whilst furiously exercising my brain and fingers. But of  course, I will spare you a thought and try to make my posts as easy to follow as possible.

This is quickly becoming a post about me and writing. But I guess it's a good start. Just so you know, I don't plan out what I wanna write. I had entertained the idea of blogging about my shitty morning the other day, where my soon-to-be-ex-boss called me and yelled "Don't fucking waste my time" at me over the phone. How professional of him! I should report him to the MAS, right? But I'm way too nice, and people tell me I'm way too soft on people all the time. But that's just me... so you may back me into a corner all you want, and if I don't bite back, someone will eventually bite you for me.

I've been asking myself, "What kind of a writer am I?", and I still really don't have a clue. I do like to go on and on about emotional stuff. LOL! But I do think I'm capable of writing something angry or witty too. Oh well... I guess since this is a reintroduction to myself, let's just keep it short and sweet. For those who enjoyed my writing in any form, be it just bitching about life or writing corny fan-fiction, I welcome you with open arms. Let's look forward to some real writing from me real soon :D