Endearment In Imperfection

I had a lot on my mind today… and I was trying to narrow down as to what was the root of all these thoughts. I realized that worry is a big part of my life, whether it is positive, or negative. It could be small; like worrying about my boyfriend’s well-being. Sometimes it feels huge; like worrying about my upcoming interview. But no matter the size, the concern is significant to me… and the bigger ones would be more so.

I traced my worry back to fear and lack of confidence. I remember what I wrote previously. I told myself that I was going to be braver from now on. But as I have predicted, such strength rarely comes automatically. It has to be nurtured. Sometimes I’m on track, and sometimes I veer off track. But when I have the support and understanding from love ones, and the time to reflect, I usually come back on track again. I guess this in itself, creates another issue for me. Sometimes my fears are so persistent, that they cause my dependency on my loved ones to increase.

It’s easy to say that all they have to do is to be more aware and understanding of my needs. But when it goes on for a while, people grow weary. What do I do then? I start to feel bad for putting this burden on them, which in turn becomes a form of self-hate for my person and my condition. In these moments of self-hate, I sometimes get angry with the people I love because I feel that while they do love me, they simply don’t understand, and can never understand what I go through, and everything about me they have to deal with will always be some sort of an inconvenience. This is dangerous. It is dangerous simply because it is the setting that leads down a path of self-destruction.

No one can truly understand us. And neither can we ever fully understand another person. This is simply because the human mind is ever-changing, and while a person’s base character rarely changes, their opinions might. How they view and react to things will change over time, and that is something we have to always be ready to accept; the impermanence of the human behaviour.

There are a few things I have decided that I need to live with. Some of these things have bothered me for some time, but I think it’s now best that I recognise them and learn to live with them:

1. I will never be perfect.

I am not a perfect human being. I will never be able to behave in the manner that is always pleasing to the whole world. Some people will accept the way I am, and some people will never accept me as I am. And for those who do love and accept me, I must never feel a sense of indebtedness because they do so willingly. This sense of indebtedness creates the need to be ‘even more perfect’ or to ‘maintain perfection’, which is impossible. We are human. There is no perfection in humanity, but there is always endearment in this imperfection. Our imperfections are what define our characters.

 

It’s alright to be angry. It’s alright to make mistakes. It’s alright to express ourselves. By suppressing all these negativity, we are not attaining perfection. We are simply stifling ourselves and trying to become someone we are not.

 

2. My body will never be perfect.

That annoying zit, my round tummy, the cellulite in my thighs, my lack of boobs, my stubborn hair… I can never fix all of it. She’s prettier than me, she has a better figure than me, she’s more well-dressed than me… the comparisons will never end. For a while, I was actually content with my physical outlook, until I started to let comments affect me. I realised that while I need to make a conscious effort to take care of myself, I should not let others’ opinions on my progress affect me.

 

There was a time when I was a size-S again, and while I was happy with that achievement, I wasn’t a happy person during that time. These days, I am a happier person, but the nagging feeling of not being a size-S and slowly gravitating to being a size-L bothers me. But I realised that it would only bother me if I let it. I need to keep up my basic self-care, e.g. home facials, exercising and eating right. But I should never obsess over them to the point that I feel guilty when I miss a facial, an exercise session or had a burger for lunch. I need to remember that as long as I am happy and healthy, that’s all that matters. The rest are all work-in-progress, and I should never let the fact that I can’t do them all 100% make me feel inadequate.

 

I truly believe that our beauty lies within us. When we are comfortable in our skin, and we radiate love and happiness, we are at our most beautiful.

 

3. No other human is perfect.

In our eyes, the people we love are wonderful and perfect. Hence, when they do things that we do not expect, they don’t seem to understand us, or they don’t seem to reciprocate our feelings, we tend to feel upset… sometimes even devastated. People can seem consistent in their character and behaviour, but there will be times that they may seem to be ‘out of character’ in our views. They are not pre-programmed machines, and even machines have some margin of error. And even when we feel someone is consistently failing us in ways they never did, it could be that they are simply not in their best states of mind, or perhaps they didn’t understand our concerns on the matter.

 

So do we try to ‘fix it’? We always try to fix things, and it usually comes to a state of disappointment. To fix things means trying to take control or a situation and a mind that may not be yours. And when you realise you have no control of it at all, the frustration sets in, and with frustration comes a host of other feelings such as anger, fear and anxiety.

 

So what can we do if trying to fix it would ultimately make it worse? Sometimes we have to just let things lie. Sure. The other person is not going to come to realisation on their own, but sometimes, the only way is to let it pass and we need to find ways to express our concerns without blaming the other person. It sucks when you can’t immediately express yourself to the people you love, but when a person isn’t ready to hear something, you can’t force them to listen to you.

 

No human is perfect, but I never agreed with the notion that we cannot depend on the people we love. They may not be perfect, but we need to have faith in their love for us, and that they will try to see us through the hard times because of the simple fact that they truly love and care for us. When we have confidence in others, it stems from our confidence in ourselves. When we love each other enough, we will attract more love from our loved ones.

So today marks another new attempt at trying to be a stronger and braver person. Will I fall again? I probably will. But I will keep reminding myself that it’s alright, and I can just keep trying.

I Dream of Dreams?

I believe I have mentioned that I have a hard time writing fiction these days. I often start with a great story, but I end up getting stuck.

I was speaking to a friend the other day, and I am beginning to realise that I get stuck because I am afraid. I am afraid of letting my inner thoughts go, for fear of being judged for them. I'm concerned that my readers may think, "Is this this a personal experience?" or "Is this some secret fantasy of hers?" or "Is she sick or something?"

I have forgotten that creative expression doesn't always have to be tied to your very being.

Why can't I write a sadist story, an erotic story or a heart-breaking story without being judged? I am sure in the past, my readers have never judged me for them - even when they knew that most of them were dreams of mine. Dreams of a life I had wanted for myself. Sure there are times I wish I could write about my life... but I guess because even I could not accept my past, and I did not want the people in my future to judge me for my past. Hence, they will never be verbalised or published. Maybe it's because of my honest nature, that I tend to not write just for the sake of creating entertainment. I try to write from my heart.

You care too much about what people think. You want to be liked. You're a people-pleaser. You have approval-addiction. All these describe my state of mind. I admit to them. It will take me a long time before I can 'take things easy' and come to terms with the fact that some people will always want to judge me. And there are those who will always love me for being me.

I've been itching to write fictions lately. But somehow have not brought myself to start for the fear of having another half-done project. And it's not that I don't have ample material. I dream a lot. I have always dreamed all my life. I rarely have a night where I fall asleep and wake up when it's daylight. I would always dream. Sometimes these dreams are what I call 'Hollywood-worthy'.

I'd dream of a story, a plot worthy of making a movie out of. I'd still be able to remember most of it when I wake up, because most of the time, the events are so vivid. But I would never write them down, because I am pretty sure I'd get stuck halfway. Maybe I need to find a way to develop plots. Maybe start plotting outlines for the stories. I don't know. I hope when I feel strong enough to write my stories again, they're gonna be awesome. For now, I would blog, I would write for work... it's just no longer easy to write creatively, for myself.

A reader of mine asked me today, if I would ever write again. I said to her, "Maybe when everything calms down, and I find that center again. Perhaps then. I hope I can do it."

Faith vs Fear

I never knew how debilitating fear was, until I took a good look at how it has affected my life. I grew up in fear, and I am pretty sure most of us did to…

Fear that my parents would be displeased with me or punish me.
Fear of ghosts, and all things scary.
Fear I would not pass my exams.
Fear I will not have a good career.
Fear I will not find a good husband.
Fear I wasn’t attractive or intelligent enough.
Fear of being alone.
Fear of death.

All these things, one way or the other, have been dictating the way I lived life. They made me so insecure and fearful that I have lived life without conviction and confidence. People have always told me that I looked like a secure and confident person, but I would be honest now and say… that was a front, and when I did speak with confidence and conviction, it was mostly false bravado. Sad, isn’t it?

Other than reading Don Miguel Ruiz and Gary Chapman, I have recently been introduced to a new source of inspiration. It would be pretty radical for me to start calling him a source of inspiration because I come from a family of staunch Taoists, but Joel Osteen, a pastor, is now like a life mentor to me. Call it Fate, but I believe his messages came to me at the right time. They spoke directly to me.

“When you agree with fear, you are giving what you are fearing the right to come to pass,” Joel said in his message, Activate Faith, Not Fear.

I agree wholeheartedly. Pretty much, when we agree with a particular fear, our thinking and actions will begin to react in a way that may eventually cause that fear to come true. Some call it the ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’. When we continuously worry about something, we are going to start reacting to ‘prevent’ it from happening, not even knowing if it was going to happen in the first place, and eventually, our actions may cause it to not only happen, but to be blown out of proportion at the same time. I have definitely seen that happen to myself before.

So if you are worried about something you know you have no control of, or fearing something you know, deep inside, is irrational… STOP! Do not agree with the fear. Have faith!

Faith is the exact opposite of fear, because it is about believing that good things will happen to us. So… rather than believing that something bad is about to happen, wouldn't we rather believe that good things will come to us, and subconsciously act to enable them to happen? If I had known to turn all my fears to faith long ago, I am sure I would now be a happier, more confident and secure woman with a brighter future ahead of me. But it's never too late to start today, so let’s take all my earlier fears, and turn them into faith!

My parents love me and are proud of me.
There’s no reason to be afraid of ghosts for I have done nothing to offend them.
I will pass all of my exams because I do my best.
I will have an awesome career because I am intelligent and capable.
I will find a man who will love and cherish me for the rest of my life.
I am beautiful and exceptionally intelligent and talented.
I am never alone because I have awesome friends.
There is no reason to fear death if I have lived my life to the fullest, to the best of my abilities.

I am certain if we all believed in the good things in ourselves, good things will start happening to us. Try it today, and let me know if you feel more and more awesome as time passes :)