Endearment In Imperfection

I had a lot on my mind today… and I was trying to narrow down as to what was the root of all these thoughts. I realized that worry is a big part of my life, whether it is positive, or negative. It could be small; like worrying about my boyfriend’s well-being. Sometimes it feels huge; like worrying about my upcoming interview. But no matter the size, the concern is significant to me… and the bigger ones would be more so.

I traced my worry back to fear and lack of confidence. I remember what I wrote previously. I told myself that I was going to be braver from now on. But as I have predicted, such strength rarely comes automatically. It has to be nurtured. Sometimes I’m on track, and sometimes I veer off track. But when I have the support and understanding from love ones, and the time to reflect, I usually come back on track again. I guess this in itself, creates another issue for me. Sometimes my fears are so persistent, that they cause my dependency on my loved ones to increase.

It’s easy to say that all they have to do is to be more aware and understanding of my needs. But when it goes on for a while, people grow weary. What do I do then? I start to feel bad for putting this burden on them, which in turn becomes a form of self-hate for my person and my condition. In these moments of self-hate, I sometimes get angry with the people I love because I feel that while they do love me, they simply don’t understand, and can never understand what I go through, and everything about me they have to deal with will always be some sort of an inconvenience. This is dangerous. It is dangerous simply because it is the setting that leads down a path of self-destruction.

No one can truly understand us. And neither can we ever fully understand another person. This is simply because the human mind is ever-changing, and while a person’s base character rarely changes, their opinions might. How they view and react to things will change over time, and that is something we have to always be ready to accept; the impermanence of the human behaviour.

There are a few things I have decided that I need to live with. Some of these things have bothered me for some time, but I think it’s now best that I recognise them and learn to live with them:

1. I will never be perfect.

I am not a perfect human being. I will never be able to behave in the manner that is always pleasing to the whole world. Some people will accept the way I am, and some people will never accept me as I am. And for those who do love and accept me, I must never feel a sense of indebtedness because they do so willingly. This sense of indebtedness creates the need to be ‘even more perfect’ or to ‘maintain perfection’, which is impossible. We are human. There is no perfection in humanity, but there is always endearment in this imperfection. Our imperfections are what define our characters.

 

It’s alright to be angry. It’s alright to make mistakes. It’s alright to express ourselves. By suppressing all these negativity, we are not attaining perfection. We are simply stifling ourselves and trying to become someone we are not.

 

2. My body will never be perfect.

That annoying zit, my round tummy, the cellulite in my thighs, my lack of boobs, my stubborn hair… I can never fix all of it. She’s prettier than me, she has a better figure than me, she’s more well-dressed than me… the comparisons will never end. For a while, I was actually content with my physical outlook, until I started to let comments affect me. I realised that while I need to make a conscious effort to take care of myself, I should not let others’ opinions on my progress affect me.

 

There was a time when I was a size-S again, and while I was happy with that achievement, I wasn’t a happy person during that time. These days, I am a happier person, but the nagging feeling of not being a size-S and slowly gravitating to being a size-L bothers me. But I realised that it would only bother me if I let it. I need to keep up my basic self-care, e.g. home facials, exercising and eating right. But I should never obsess over them to the point that I feel guilty when I miss a facial, an exercise session or had a burger for lunch. I need to remember that as long as I am happy and healthy, that’s all that matters. The rest are all work-in-progress, and I should never let the fact that I can’t do them all 100% make me feel inadequate.

 

I truly believe that our beauty lies within us. When we are comfortable in our skin, and we radiate love and happiness, we are at our most beautiful.

 

3. No other human is perfect.

In our eyes, the people we love are wonderful and perfect. Hence, when they do things that we do not expect, they don’t seem to understand us, or they don’t seem to reciprocate our feelings, we tend to feel upset… sometimes even devastated. People can seem consistent in their character and behaviour, but there will be times that they may seem to be ‘out of character’ in our views. They are not pre-programmed machines, and even machines have some margin of error. And even when we feel someone is consistently failing us in ways they never did, it could be that they are simply not in their best states of mind, or perhaps they didn’t understand our concerns on the matter.

 

So do we try to ‘fix it’? We always try to fix things, and it usually comes to a state of disappointment. To fix things means trying to take control or a situation and a mind that may not be yours. And when you realise you have no control of it at all, the frustration sets in, and with frustration comes a host of other feelings such as anger, fear and anxiety.

 

So what can we do if trying to fix it would ultimately make it worse? Sometimes we have to just let things lie. Sure. The other person is not going to come to realisation on their own, but sometimes, the only way is to let it pass and we need to find ways to express our concerns without blaming the other person. It sucks when you can’t immediately express yourself to the people you love, but when a person isn’t ready to hear something, you can’t force them to listen to you.

 

No human is perfect, but I never agreed with the notion that we cannot depend on the people we love. They may not be perfect, but we need to have faith in their love for us, and that they will try to see us through the hard times because of the simple fact that they truly love and care for us. When we have confidence in others, it stems from our confidence in ourselves. When we love each other enough, we will attract more love from our loved ones.

So today marks another new attempt at trying to be a stronger and braver person. Will I fall again? I probably will. But I will keep reminding myself that it’s alright, and I can just keep trying.

Of Disappointment & Heartaches

I'm writing this on behalf of myself and some stuff my friends are going through... and I'm thinking... we all need to read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

So many of us, in so many occasions, have probably done something for someone we like, love, cherish, respect and care for... only to feel that they don't seem to feel the same about us. In return, we become depressed or upset, and we react in possibly the stupidest ways people can imagine. What does it bring us? Only humiliation, disappointment and heartache because we acted on that impulsive moment of dissatisfaction.

I can't count how many times I have done this in my entire life, with so many relationships... be they with my boyfriend, my friends or my family. When they don't react in the way I expect them to towards something I have done, I start to get depressed. I'd wonder why the person doesn't understand my intentions. I'd wonder why the person wouldn't react the way I wanted him/her to. I'd wonder why he/she is being mean to me. These feelings of depression sometimes escalate into resentment, and if I'm lucky... full-blown anger.

The worst thing a person can do is to try all means to get the expected reaction from the other party. This is where the humiliation I mentioned earlier starts to surface. You don't realise it, but you demean and humiliate yourself as you attempt again and again to get the attention and required reaction from the other party. And when you fail again after your N-th try, you may start thinking, "Oh my god... I've made such a fool of myself. The other person probably thinks I'm a psycho, nutcase, needy bitch, retard, etc." (insert any other description of a fool you prefer). Then you may start doing stuff that's supposed to 'redeem' you for your earlier bout of insanity. And the cycle continues until you regain your sanity and realise it's time to just S-T-O-P! Stop before you reach the point of no return... stop before you destroy everything you have. The silliest thing is that maybe, and you'll be damn lucky if this is true... the other person was not affected at all. They didn't even know what has happened nor do they know about the torment you've put yourself through because of them.

I just told a friend earlier "No point being disappointed in people who don't understand your true feelings and thoughts. Let them be..."

This is not to ask the person to write the other person off, but to understand that different people have different ways of expressing themselves to you. If the world actually understood that everyone has their way of expressing love, care and concern, I believe everyone would be much happier. I've been seeing a lot of writings of this topic as of late, so I'm also putting in my 2 cents worth on this issue.

It's a tough process... to understand that while your partner may not be into cuddling, it doesn't mean your partner doesn't want to be near you... to understand while a person you like always gives you full attention, it doesn't necessarily the person likes you the same way yet... to understand that while a person only checks in on you with short messages throughout the day to see if you're well, it doesn't mean the person doesn't care as much as a person who has long conversations with you all day long... to understand that while a person has sooo much to say to you, it doesn't mean that they want your attention 24/7 because they're needy. If all of us took the time to see the good things these people do for us, we may be able to downplay the things that don't seem to go right for us.

And for those 'unaffected people', it may be good to reflect on how you treat others and understand the impact you have on them. Maybe you need to try not to be too nice if you don't mean for the other person to mistake your niceness for liking? Maybe you need to be a bit more sensitive to the other person's feelings so that you don't say something callous when they need some comforting words from you? Maybe you need to speak less and speak of things that really matter so that your words will carry more weight, or so that the other person will pay more attention to what you want to convey?

I'm beginning to learn how to accept the good that people do for me, and discount and move on for the times they don't really react the way I want them to. Eventually, it's not about winning anymore, and if there is always tomorrow, there is always hope to try another day. Hehe! But... if you've managed to upgrade your mindset, you won't really care anymore if the person doesn't react exactly the way you want them to. Instead, you're just happy if they reacted at all. LOL! Some people may say this is being 'easily contented', but I will just call this 'counting your blessings', and not letting your dissatisfaction take you for a spin. You may realise much later that it was so petty, it wasn't worth the disappointment and heartache to begin with.

Good night people :)