Thoughts that niggle...

Sometime I find myself trapped in a thought… and the thought keeps occurring at random times. As much as I have chosen to release it, and to not be bothered by it, it comes back, and it niggles. This is how I usually decide I need to do something about it.

These days, I’m sick of such thoughts. Does everything have to be dealt with just because it makes me uncomfortable? Or are some things meant to exist whether we like it or not? I am constantly in fear of ruining relationships and causing loss of confidence. I tend to think that dealing with issues and talking about them helps build my confidence, but I am somehow coming to think that by doing so, I may inadvertently cause others to lose their confidence in making me happy.

I don’t know how to tell them, “It’s not you who is making me unhappy. It’s the situation we’re in that causes me to feel uneasy. And this uneasiness, I feel, is avoidable.” But in any case, there is no other way to resolve it other than the opposite party reacting and ‘fixing’ the situation in a way that will allow me to be able to accept it. I feel remorseful sometimes, that people have to go out of their comfort zones to console me, but I have not learned to not be bothered by the situations that I cannot accept. Hence, I will always need others to be considerate when it comes to how I feel.

Perhaps, people don’t understand because they have not felt a pain similar to mine. Honestly, no one understands how we feel. We can do our best and try to describe it, but there is a limit to the completeness of the picture we can paint. No one knows our pain as much as we do, and even if they are been through a similar pain, the operative word will be ‘similar’. One can try to relate, but one cannot truly understand.

So I try my best now, to always understand how others might feel. I try my best to accept that there are things I cannot and possibly need not try to change. But if it hurts too much, I will try my best to let people know that I am in pain, and I need them to understand and try not to aggravate, if not alleviate my pain. I can only hope the people who love me understand how hurt I am, and that they care enough to want to stop me from getting hurt.

Endearment In Imperfection

I had a lot on my mind today… and I was trying to narrow down as to what was the root of all these thoughts. I realized that worry is a big part of my life, whether it is positive, or negative. It could be small; like worrying about my boyfriend’s well-being. Sometimes it feels huge; like worrying about my upcoming interview. But no matter the size, the concern is significant to me… and the bigger ones would be more so.

I traced my worry back to fear and lack of confidence. I remember what I wrote previously. I told myself that I was going to be braver from now on. But as I have predicted, such strength rarely comes automatically. It has to be nurtured. Sometimes I’m on track, and sometimes I veer off track. But when I have the support and understanding from love ones, and the time to reflect, I usually come back on track again. I guess this in itself, creates another issue for me. Sometimes my fears are so persistent, that they cause my dependency on my loved ones to increase.

It’s easy to say that all they have to do is to be more aware and understanding of my needs. But when it goes on for a while, people grow weary. What do I do then? I start to feel bad for putting this burden on them, which in turn becomes a form of self-hate for my person and my condition. In these moments of self-hate, I sometimes get angry with the people I love because I feel that while they do love me, they simply don’t understand, and can never understand what I go through, and everything about me they have to deal with will always be some sort of an inconvenience. This is dangerous. It is dangerous simply because it is the setting that leads down a path of self-destruction.

No one can truly understand us. And neither can we ever fully understand another person. This is simply because the human mind is ever-changing, and while a person’s base character rarely changes, their opinions might. How they view and react to things will change over time, and that is something we have to always be ready to accept; the impermanence of the human behaviour.

There are a few things I have decided that I need to live with. Some of these things have bothered me for some time, but I think it’s now best that I recognise them and learn to live with them:

1. I will never be perfect.

I am not a perfect human being. I will never be able to behave in the manner that is always pleasing to the whole world. Some people will accept the way I am, and some people will never accept me as I am. And for those who do love and accept me, I must never feel a sense of indebtedness because they do so willingly. This sense of indebtedness creates the need to be ‘even more perfect’ or to ‘maintain perfection’, which is impossible. We are human. There is no perfection in humanity, but there is always endearment in this imperfection. Our imperfections are what define our characters.

 

It’s alright to be angry. It’s alright to make mistakes. It’s alright to express ourselves. By suppressing all these negativity, we are not attaining perfection. We are simply stifling ourselves and trying to become someone we are not.

 

2. My body will never be perfect.

That annoying zit, my round tummy, the cellulite in my thighs, my lack of boobs, my stubborn hair… I can never fix all of it. She’s prettier than me, she has a better figure than me, she’s more well-dressed than me… the comparisons will never end. For a while, I was actually content with my physical outlook, until I started to let comments affect me. I realised that while I need to make a conscious effort to take care of myself, I should not let others’ opinions on my progress affect me.

 

There was a time when I was a size-S again, and while I was happy with that achievement, I wasn’t a happy person during that time. These days, I am a happier person, but the nagging feeling of not being a size-S and slowly gravitating to being a size-L bothers me. But I realised that it would only bother me if I let it. I need to keep up my basic self-care, e.g. home facials, exercising and eating right. But I should never obsess over them to the point that I feel guilty when I miss a facial, an exercise session or had a burger for lunch. I need to remember that as long as I am happy and healthy, that’s all that matters. The rest are all work-in-progress, and I should never let the fact that I can’t do them all 100% make me feel inadequate.

 

I truly believe that our beauty lies within us. When we are comfortable in our skin, and we radiate love and happiness, we are at our most beautiful.

 

3. No other human is perfect.

In our eyes, the people we love are wonderful and perfect. Hence, when they do things that we do not expect, they don’t seem to understand us, or they don’t seem to reciprocate our feelings, we tend to feel upset… sometimes even devastated. People can seem consistent in their character and behaviour, but there will be times that they may seem to be ‘out of character’ in our views. They are not pre-programmed machines, and even machines have some margin of error. And even when we feel someone is consistently failing us in ways they never did, it could be that they are simply not in their best states of mind, or perhaps they didn’t understand our concerns on the matter.

 

So do we try to ‘fix it’? We always try to fix things, and it usually comes to a state of disappointment. To fix things means trying to take control or a situation and a mind that may not be yours. And when you realise you have no control of it at all, the frustration sets in, and with frustration comes a host of other feelings such as anger, fear and anxiety.

 

So what can we do if trying to fix it would ultimately make it worse? Sometimes we have to just let things lie. Sure. The other person is not going to come to realisation on their own, but sometimes, the only way is to let it pass and we need to find ways to express our concerns without blaming the other person. It sucks when you can’t immediately express yourself to the people you love, but when a person isn’t ready to hear something, you can’t force them to listen to you.

 

No human is perfect, but I never agreed with the notion that we cannot depend on the people we love. They may not be perfect, but we need to have faith in their love for us, and that they will try to see us through the hard times because of the simple fact that they truly love and care for us. When we have confidence in others, it stems from our confidence in ourselves. When we love each other enough, we will attract more love from our loved ones.

So today marks another new attempt at trying to be a stronger and braver person. Will I fall again? I probably will. But I will keep reminding myself that it’s alright, and I can just keep trying.

Bravery

Bravery doesn’t always have to do with facing a fear head-on. I learnt today that bravery can be simply choosing to not succumb to the negative. While you may wonder, “Isn’t that facing your fears?” Well, I call it ‘Choosing to be positive’. Yea… it’s obviously nothing new. Countless self-help articles and memes have told us before…

Everyone has a choice; to be happy or to be sad.

But often, it’s not as simple as picking a box, or a coloured ball out of a bag and have it say ‘Happy’ or ‘Positive’. It’s truly a conscious effort to make the decision to be happy and positive. And what about this process that relates to bravery is that when you make the choice, you consciously decide to accept whatever that comes your way with this choice. You may have chosen a path which you presumed to lead to you happiness, but that doesn’t mean the happiness is guaranteed. You have only made the choice using the knowledge you have that it is the most positive thing you could do at the moment. What comes after may or may not be happy or positive, and the bravery in this is knowing that no matter what the outcome, you will need to be ready to once again be positive about it.

Some people stand back and wait because they are afraid that their actions will cause a chain-effect. Other rush in headlong, not caring what comes, only to be met with the aftermath of not having thought through their actions. Being brave has nothing to do with blind confidence. It entails astute consideration of the consequence of your actions as far as you can see. What you cannot see, after trying your best to cover all possibilities, can be left to fate or the higher beings.

I have always been afraid of changes and the unknown. Because of this, I cling to the familiar, and I would admit that it sometimes results in suffocating people whom I love and ultimately depend on. I know it’s unhealthy to do so; for me and for my loved ones, but I was just too afraid. Paralysed with fear, if you will; that I hang on to familiarity and routine because they comfort me, knowing that I have something to look forward to. But I’m not always like that.

Every once in awhile, I would find a breakthrough, which I will pursue, and I will come to so stage where I become self-sufficient and independent again. Meeting a family friend today has brought me to that path again. I’ve been facing a lot of challenges and changes lately, and have been going around worried and bewildered when I thought of what the future would hold for me. Today, for the first time in the recent months, I have found a sense of peace and positivity when thinking of the road I am about to travel on. I somehow feel that this is the right way to go, and I am positive that it’s going to turn out alright. Though I may not trust myself very much, having guidance and words of assurance from an elder just helps assure you. So today, I’ve decided I will simply keep walking.

I see a path, and I know my best bet now is to keep walking and not worry about what comes. Not just when it comes to my career, but in life too. Even if things are turning out the exact way I wanted them to, it won’t always be a bad thing. I just need to see the positive in it; and this is a repetitive process, not a one-off attempt. Furthermore, I was assured today that there is nothing wrong with my fears, and that my willingness to recognise my fears is already progress on my part. I just now need to learn to not let them consume me; and as I have said in the beginning, finding the strength to continuously change negative thoughts into positive ones is nothing short of a brave attempt to not succumb to a vicious cycle of self-condemnation and unhappiness.

One of the parting messages I received today, was on the Laws of Attraction. I was reminded that the more you thought of something, the more you invite it into your life. So if there’s one thing I’d like to do now, is to invite more happiness and positive events into my life... and it starts today!