Sunday, 26 May 2013

Does having the last word matter?

I had the last word. Pretty much… but my last words weren’t exactly what I felt.

I guess this is the price you pay when you choose to be amicable about things. People would probably tell me that it’s not worth it. This person isn’t worth my time, my anger, the trouble to speak to him. But I just feel that I have kept everything inside for all this time.

I can’t say he didn’t suffer in any way. But at the end of the day, I don’t know how he feels about it all, and I can only examine and deal with my own feelings. At first it was just disappointment, sadness, regret… but now, it’s changing into anger.

I don’t identify with the all’s fair in love and war thing. Yes, I have received forgiveness for hurting people before, and the person said the same to me; there is not right and wrong in a relationship. But if you ask me, I would say that despite this ‘doctrine’, there are just some things you don’t do to people if you want to be viewed a normal human being.

At this point, I just want to sit him down, and rant, and tell him how I felt deceived, how I felt hurt, how I felt used, how I was not appreciated, how he could’ve been more honest in the beginning and how he can’t keep treating people this way. I know he may not care for what I have to say, and obviously it’s not going to change him, but I do want to get it out of my system. Why? Because I have never once confronted him about anything… not with anger.

I’ve always wonder if it really is a virtue that I never throw tantrums, or it’s just stupid of me for never expressing myself when I needed to. Each time I felt angry, I would end up talking around in circles because I didn’t how to express my thoughts. Full-blown anger would rile him, emotional blabber annoys him, and while I know the best way is to stay calm, be rational and give good examples to illustrate things, it’s so difficult when you feel upset. The biggest problem is when he starts responding, and I lose my train of thought, and get swayed by his opinion. Sometimes I even get intimidated, God knows why…

I’m rambling now. I can feel my emotions welling up and I’m starting to lose my train of thought, but somehow writing always seems more effective for me; at least when I get lost, I can compose myself and try again. I am well aware that this post is pointless, other than helping me air my thoughts… so… yea. I just want to yell at him now, because I never did.

I wish I were a cold, hard bitch sometimes. It might have either made me more resilient, or at least I would not take shit from anyone. But I guess one can never eliminate their true nature. The fact is I will always be a softie, and I just need to learn to put on some armor. Anger is how I protect myself from feeling sad and forlorn, so I guess my defense mechanism is kicking in now.

I honestly hope I never have to write a post like this ever again... It's not productive at all :P