I spent the afternoon nursing a scar that I had received not too long ago. The funny thing is… it’s a bloody scar. Scars shouldn't hurt anymore. I knew it was ridiculous, and yet I continued, for a few hours. I asked ridiculous questions, said stupid things, and ultimately brought myself down to a state of depression. It wasn’t until I spoke to my friend, crying as I typed out how I felt, and I received his advice, that I finally calmed down, and ultimately pulled myself together so that I could go take a shower and try to finish off my Sunday in a more humane manner.
I heard the same advice from someone else earlier today. But I guess my friend just did a more effective job since he knew me well enough.
“I’m going to keep chasing everyone away, aren’t I?” I asked.
“Yes,” was his reply.
Ultimately, these were the few words that woke me up.
Let go and free fall.
I had been so obsessed with the destination. Granted I had been hurt along the way; once, twice, thrice. But they are not reasons to shy away from feeling and living. Continuing to obsess over my scars and trying to use them as a means to justify my irrational fears is just going to waste my life away.
So I’m going reboot myself, and start again from the point where the possibility of happiness and the capacity to love had been endless. I’m going to take that advice and just let go of everything, and fall. And if doesn’t matter how far or how hard this fall is going to be, because I am going to enjoy the exhilaration that comes with it. That’s how I want to live from now on.
My friend also quoted Jim Morrison as his parting words for the day:
People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.