Thursday, 29 May 2014

Thoughts that niggle...

Sometime I find myself trapped in a thought… and the thought keeps occurring at random times. As much as I have chosen to release it, and to not be bothered by it, it comes back, and it niggles. This is how I usually decide I need to do something about it.

These days, I’m sick of such thoughts. Does everything have to be dealt with just because it makes me uncomfortable? Or are some things meant to exist whether we like it or not? I am constantly in fear of ruining relationships and causing loss of confidence. I tend to think that dealing with issues and talking about them helps build my confidence, but I am somehow coming to think that by doing so, I may inadvertently cause others to lose their confidence in making me happy.

I don’t know how to tell them, “It’s not you who is making me unhappy. It’s the situation we’re in that causes me to feel uneasy. And this uneasiness, I feel, is avoidable.” But in any case, there is no other way to resolve it other than the opposite party reacting and ‘fixing’ the situation in a way that will allow me to be able to accept it. I feel remorseful sometimes, that people have to go out of their comfort zones to console me, but I have not learned to not be bothered by the situations that I cannot accept. Hence, I will always need others to be considerate when it comes to how I feel.

Perhaps, people don’t understand because they have not felt a pain similar to mine. Honestly, no one understands how we feel. We can do our best and try to describe it, but there is a limit to the completeness of the picture we can paint. No one knows our pain as much as we do, and even if they are been through a similar pain, the operative word will be ‘similar’. One can try to relate, but one cannot truly understand.

So I try my best now, to always understand how others might feel. I try my best to accept that there are things I cannot and possibly need not try to change. But if it hurts too much, I will try my best to let people know that I am in pain, and I need them to understand and try not to aggravate, if not alleviate my pain. I can only hope the people who love me understand how hurt I am, and that they care enough to want to stop me from getting hurt.

Thursday, 27 March 2014

Endearment In Imperfection

I had a lot on my mind today… and I was trying to narrow down as to what was the root of all these thoughts. I realized that worry is a big part of my life, whether it is positive, or negative. It could be small; like worrying about my boyfriend’s well-being. Sometimes it feels huge; like worrying about my upcoming interview. But no matter the size, the concern is significant to me… and the bigger ones would be more so.

I traced my worry back to fear and lack of confidence. I remember what I wrote previously. I told myself that I was going to be braver from now on. But as I have predicted, such strength rarely comes automatically. It has to be nurtured. Sometimes I’m on track, and sometimes I veer off track. But when I have the support and understanding from love ones, and the time to reflect, I usually come back on track again. I guess this in itself, creates another issue for me. Sometimes my fears are so persistent, that they cause my dependency on my loved ones to increase.

It’s easy to say that all they have to do is to be more aware and understanding of my needs. But when it goes on for a while, people grow weary. What do I do then? I start to feel bad for putting this burden on them, which in turn becomes a form of self-hate for my person and my condition. In these moments of self-hate, I sometimes get angry with the people I love because I feel that while they do love me, they simply don’t understand, and can never understand what I go through, and everything about me they have to deal with will always be some sort of an inconvenience. This is dangerous. It is dangerous simply because it is the setting that leads down a path of self-destruction.

No one can truly understand us. And neither can we ever fully understand another person. This is simply because the human mind is ever-changing, and while a person’s base character rarely changes, their opinions might. How they view and react to things will change over time, and that is something we have to always be ready to accept; the impermanence of the human behaviour.

There are a few things I have decided that I need to live with. Some of these things have bothered me for some time, but I think it’s now best that I recognise them and learn to live with them:

1. I will never be perfect.
I am not a perfect human being. I will never be able to behave in the manner that is always pleasing to the whole world. Some people will accept the way I am, and some people will never accept me as I am. And for those who do love and accept me, I must never feel a sense of indebtedness because they do so willingly. This sense of indebtedness creates the need to be ‘even more perfect’ or to ‘maintain perfection’, which is impossible. We are human. There is no perfection in humanity, but there is always endearment in this imperfection. Our imperfections are what define our characters.
It’s alright to be angry. It’s alright to make mistakes. It’s alright to express ourselves. By suppressing all these negativity, we are not attaining perfection. We are simply stifling ourselves and trying to become someone we are not.
2. My body will never be perfect.
That annoying zit, my round tummy, the cellulite in my thighs, my lack of boobs, my stubborn hair… I can never fix all of it. She’s prettier than me, she has a better figure than me, she’s more well-dressed than me… the comparisons will never end. For a while, I was actually content with my physical outlook, until I started to let comments affect me. I realised that while I need to make a conscious effort to take care of myself, I should not let others’ opinions on my progress affect me.
There was a time when I was a size-S again, and while I was happy with that achievement, I wasn’t a happy person during that time. These days, I am a happier person, but the nagging feeling of not being a size-S and slowly gravitating to being a size-L bothers me. But I realised that it would only bother me if I let it. I need to keep up my basic self-care, e.g. home facials, exercising and eating right. But I should never obsess over them to the point that I feel guilty when I miss a facial, an exercise session or had a burger for lunch. I need to remember that as long as I am happy and healthy, that’s all that matters. The rest are all work-in-progress, and I should never let the fact that I can’t do them all 100% make me feel inadequate.
I truly believe that our beauty lies within us. When we are comfortable in our skin, and we radiate love and happiness, we are at our most beautiful.
3. No other human is perfect.
In our eyes, the people we love are wonderful and perfect. Hence, when they do things that we do not expect, they don’t seem to understand us, or they don’t seem to reciprocate our feelings, we tend to feel upset… sometimes even devastated. People can seem consistent in their character and behaviour, but there will be times that they may seem to be ‘out of character’ in our views. They are not pre-programmed machines, and even machines have some margin of error. And even when we feel someone is consistently failing us in ways they never did, it could be that they are simply not in their best states of mind, or perhaps they didn’t understand our concerns on the matter.
So do we try to ‘fix it’? We always try to fix things, and it usually comes to a state of disappointment. To fix things means trying to take control or a situation and a mind that may not be yours. And when you realise you have no control of it at all, the frustration sets in, and with frustration comes a host of other feelings such as anger, fear and anxiety.
So what can we do if trying to fix it would ultimately make it worse? Sometimes we have to just let things lie. Sure. The other person is not going to come to realisation on their own, but sometimes, the only way is to let it pass and we need to find ways to express our concerns without blaming the other person. It sucks when you can’t immediately express yourself to the people you love, but when a person isn’t ready to hear something, you can’t force them to listen to you.
No human is perfect, but I never agreed with the notion that we cannot depend on the people we love. They may not be perfect, but we need to have faith in their love for us, and that they will try to see us through the hard times because of the simple fact that they truly love and care for us. When we have confidence in others, it stems from our confidence in ourselves. When we love each other enough, we will attract more love from our loved ones.

So today marks another new attempt at trying to be a stronger and braver person. Will I fall again? I probably will. But I will keep reminding myself that it’s alright, and I can just keep trying.

Monday, 10 March 2014


Bravery doesn’t always have to do with facing a fear head-on. I learnt today that bravery can be simply choosing to not succumb to the negative. While you may wonder, “Isn’t that facing your fears?” Well, I call it ‘Choosing to be positive’. Yea… it’s obviously nothing new. Countless self-help articles and memes have told us before…

Everyone has a choice; to be happy or to be sad.

But often, it’s not as simple as picking a box, or a coloured ball out of a bag and have it say ‘Happy’ or ‘Positive’. It’s truly a conscious effort to make the decision to be happy and positive. And what about this process that relates to bravery is that when you make the choice, you consciously decide to accept whatever that comes your way with this choice. You may have chosen a path which you presumed to lead to you happiness, but that doesn’t mean the happiness is guaranteed. You have only made the choice using the knowledge you have that it is the most positive thing you could do at the moment. What comes after may or may not be happy or positive, and the bravery in this is knowing that no matter what the outcome, you will need to be ready to once again be positive about it.

Some people stand back and wait because they are afraid that their actions will cause a chain-effect. Other rush in headlong, not caring what comes, only to be met with the aftermath of not having thought through their actions. Being brave has nothing to do with blind confidence. It entails astute consideration of the consequence of your actions as far as you can see. What you cannot see, after trying your best to cover all possibilities, can be left to fate or the higher beings.

I have always been afraid of changes and the unknown. Because of this, I cling to the familiar, and I would admit that it sometimes results in suffocating people whom I love and ultimately depend on. I know it’s unhealthy to do so; for me and for my loved ones, but I was just too afraid. Paralysed with fear, if you will; that I hang on to familiarity and routine because they comfort me, knowing that I have something to look forward to. But I’m not always like that.

Every once in awhile, I would find a breakthrough, which I will pursue, and I will come to so stage where I become self-sufficient and independent again. Meeting a family friend today has brought me to that path again. I’ve been facing a lot of challenges and changes lately, and have been going around worried and bewildered when I thought of what the future would hold for me. Today, for the first time in the recent months, I have found a sense of peace and positivity when thinking of the road I am about to travel on. I somehow feel that this is the right way to go, and I am positive that it’s going to turn out alright. Though I may not trust myself very much, having guidance and words of assurance from an elder just helps assure you. So today, I’ve decided I will simply keep walking.

I see a path, and I know my best bet now is to keep walking and not worry about what comes. Not just when it comes to my career, but in life too. Even if things are turning out the exact way I wanted them to, it won’t always be a bad thing. I just need to see the positive in it; and this is a repetitive process, not a one-off attempt. Furthermore, I was assured today that there is nothing wrong with my fears, and that my willingness to recognise my fears is already progress on my part. I just now need to learn to not let them consume me; and as I have said in the beginning, finding the strength to continuously change negative thoughts into positive ones is nothing short of a brave attempt to not succumb to a vicious cycle of self-condemnation and unhappiness.

One of the parting messages I received today, was on the Laws of Attraction. I was reminded that the more you thought of something, the more you invite it into your life. So if there’s one thing I’d like to do now, is to invite more happiness and positive events into my life... and it starts today!

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Why can’t you get a simple thing right?

Today I truly understand the gravity and hurt that one can inflict just by making this remark –

“Why can’t you get a simple thing right?”

How did I come to this realization? It has happened to me.

Sure, the person did not say it to my face. But she insinuated it. Her very words were –

“How come there are corrections so often.
I think this year I have the most corrections compared to my past 6-7 years in XXX.”

When you hear remarks like this, you feel belittled. You feel that anything else you have ever done right had been for naught, and whatever you do wrong is so heavily scrutinised and penalised. And this is also whether or not it was even all your fault. No one cares. You screw up, you’re worthless. Are people not allowed mistakes anymore? Or perhaps people who make these comments happen to be frustrated and are simply taking it out on you? Whatever it is, it demonstrates a lack of compassion.

After today, I realized that it is very hurtful. All those time we complain about the goods and services we pay for, and we often wonder why people can’t do what their supposed to do properly; especially when it’s their core task, or perhaps even the most minute task in their list of to-dos. The answer could be very simple… the circumstances that caused it were not favourable.

Hence, I shall try to be more compassionate in future. Rather than accusing people for not 'putting their backs into it', I will endeavor to understand how the situation came about, give them the due patience to correct the problem, and refrain from making such remarks. But if I do come to realize that they are willfully committing mistakes or negligence, then I guess I’ll need to take some action, wouldn’t I? ^_^

Friday, 14 February 2014

I Dream of Dreams?

I believe I have mentioned that I have a hard time writing fiction these days. I often start with a great story, but I end up getting stuck.

I was speaking to a friend the other day, and I am beginning to realise that I get stuck because I am afraid. I am afraid of letting my inner thoughts go, for fear of being judged for them. I'm concerned that my readers may think, "Is this this a personal experience?" or "Is this some secret fantasy of hers?" or "Is she sick or something?"

I have forgotten that creative expression doesn't always have to be tied to your very being.

Why can't I write a sadist story, an erotic story or a heart-breaking story without being judged? I am sure in the past, my readers have never judged me for them - even when they knew that most of them were dreams of mine. Dreams of a life I had wanted for myself. Sure there are times I wish I could write about my life... but I guess because even I could not accept my past, and I did not want the people in my future to judge me for my past. Hence, they will never be verbalised or published. Maybe it's because of my honest nature, that I tend to not write just for the sake of creating entertainment. I try to write from my heart.

You care too much about what people think. You want to be liked. You're a people-pleaser. You have approval-addiction. All these describe my state of mind. I admit to them. It will take me a long time before I can 'take things easy' and come to terms with the fact that some people will always want to judge me. And there are those who will always love me for being me.

I've been itching to write fictions lately. But somehow have not brought myself to start for the fear of having another half-done project. And it's not that I don't have ample material. I dream a lot. I have always dreamed all my life. I rarely have a night where I fall asleep and wake up when it's daylight. I would always dream. Sometimes these dreams are what I call 'Hollywood-worthy'.

I'd dream of a story, a plot worthy of making a movie out of. I'd still be able to remember most of it when I wake up, because most of the time, the events are so vivid. But I would never write them down, because I am pretty sure I'd get stuck halfway. Maybe I need to find a way to develop plots. Maybe start plotting outlines for the stories. I don't know. I hope when I feel strong enough to write my stories again, they're gonna be awesome. For now, I would blog, I would write for work... it's just no longer easy to write creatively, for myself.

A reader of mine asked me today, if I would ever write again. I said to her, "Maybe when everything calms down, and I find that center again. Perhaps then. I hope I can do it."

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Counting My Blessings

2013 has been a very long year for me. I went through so many changes - some things ended, and many new things began for me.

I realised how I had been causing myself to suffer so often because I trusted the wrong people, because I was just too gullible. I realised new potentials - I am actually capable and I have the ability to continue developing my skills and achieve new heights. I'm still learning how to deal with people in the workplace; bosses and colleagues alike. But most of all, I learned that I deserved to be loved.

Of course all this time, I believed I deserved someone who loved me as much as I loved him. But to hear it from a person, that I deserved to be treated with love and consideration... that was mind-blowing. I am so glad I met my boyfriend. For the first time, I feel confident that there is a path for us to walk down, towards another new beginning that awaits us when we're ready. In the past, I was never sure if I would ever get there... but in just a short 3 months, I am feeling a certainty that I have never encountered before.

I have been thinking so often today; how happy I've been and how my boyfriend really tries to feed my emotional bank. Instead being hounded by fears from my past, or bothered when things are not going my way, I should remember that I've found a man who wants to be next to me. I've found a man who enjoys holding my hand, or even wrapping his arm around my shoulders when we walk. I've found a man who kisses my forehead, my cheeks and every possible spot on my face with loud smacking noises; who hugs me tight in public and strokes me while I try to fall asleep, who checks on my well-being all the time, and nags me when I don't take care of myself. I've found a friend who would laugh with me, be silly with me, and doesn't mind going through tough times with me. I've found a man who wants to build a life with me, and supports my endeavours, dreams and aspirations in every way he can. I've found a man who wants to be a part of my life, and wants me to be a part of his too.

I need to remember all these things, because these are the things that matter most, and I should not let the evil in me cause me to forget the good things, and start picking on the stuff that aren't really significant to begin with.

Sometimes I think I am just so afraid of things ever deteriorating or plateauing, that I clutch at everything that's good and refuse to let the both of us breathe. But I know if I keep doing that, it's just going hurt us more than do us good. I really need to learn to breathe and relax, and just enjoy the moments we have. When we're not having any 'moments', that's when I should just do my reminiscing... or actually get some work done :P

So I just want to say... excuse my sappiness everyone...

I love you baby, and I am so glad that I have a long future ahead with you, because I can't imagine anyone else in your place now. MUAX!!!