I know I have not been writing for some time; a long, long time. It’s not that I have been feeling uninspired, but each time I have an idea, it only lasts for a few paragraphs. I am rarely able to follow through. What’s going on? In fact, I don’t even know how to continue writing this. Haha!
If you know me personally, or have been reading, you would’ve noticed that I ended a relationship awhile back. I never really wrote about the exact situation. Sometimes I feel like I am actually embarrassed about my past, and unable to relive any painful memories because they may have the ability to depress me all over again. Each time I go through a bad relationship, I have been tempted to write about it, to recount the entire process, but I always chickened out. They just seemed too personal and painful to recount in detail.
Today… I just have this urge to mention my past a little, and write about something new that has happened to me. This is as honest as I can get… so bear with me, eh? :D
I never knew what I was searching for. Of course I have expectations, but I realized that they were all superficial and only dealt with the surface level of a human being. People have always asked me what would my ideal man be like, and I have so far only been able to provide characteristics such as tall, athletic, stable, manly… I found a person like that awhile back. When I first met him, he had given me the impression that he was looking for commitment. In a way, he mentioned that he was looking for commitment. I took that as an indication that I could commit fully too, and even when there were signs that he didn’t seem all that ready to commit, I brushed them aside and continued investing myself into the relationship.
When I meet someone, my original ideals tend to become secondary. Sure I still know what I want, but I guess I magnify the little good, and try to ignore anything bad about this person. Why? Because I want so much for things to work out; who doesn’t? Time after time, I do this, and it wasn’t till the last relationship ended that I realized what I had been doing to myself.
There is nothing wrong in wanting to find ‘the one’, but sacrificing your identity and sanity in order to preserve something that probably did not exist is just plain stupidity. That’s what I did for at least 4 months out of the entire 6 months. I took everything that came my way; instructions, expectations, criticisms, and once in awhile, even insults. No, I was not abused, but in a way, I was not treated in the way I needed to be treated. I now marveled how I managed to stick with someone who couldn’t even tell me that he loved me.
While those 3 words could be overrated and misused, they mean a lot to me when a person takes time to say them. Everyone can agree that talk is cheap. But in any case, words will always be appreciated, and words will always provide comfort when you are feeling fearful, unsure and insecure. I had been unsure and insecure for 6 months, and I decided enough was enough. I am glad I had the courage to let go, and I thank the person who helped find my trigger point.
After it all ended, I just felt that the world had become a place where everyone was selfish, egotistical and no one actually honored their promises and commitments anymore. I spent a few months trying to ‘come to terms’ with the ‘state of the world’. But in this time, I realized that I had something really valuable in my life; friends. My friends were all there for me when I needed to talk and needed companionship. I don't have that many close friends, but I am glad those I have kept close to my side and close to my heart, they have always been wonderful to me. I hope that when they need me someday, I can be there for them too...