Let Go And Free Fall

I spent the afternoon nursing a scar that I had received not too long ago. The funny thing is… it’s a bloody scar. Scars shouldn't hurt anymore. I knew it was ridiculous, and yet I continued, for a few hours. I asked ridiculous questions, said stupid things, and ultimately brought myself down to a state of depression. It wasn’t until I spoke to my friend, crying as I typed out how I felt, and I received his advice, that I finally calmed down, and ultimately pulled myself together so that I could go take a shower and try to finish off my Sunday in a more humane manner.

I heard the same advice from someone else earlier today. But I guess my friend just did a more effective job since he knew me well enough.

“I’m going to keep chasing everyone away, aren’t I?” I asked.

“Yes,” was his reply.

Ultimately, these were the few words that woke me up.

Let go and free fall.

I had been so obsessed with the destination. Granted I had been hurt along the way; once, twice, thrice. But they are not reasons to shy away from feeling and living. Continuing to obsess over my scars and trying to use them as a means to justify my irrational fears is just going to waste my life away.

So I’m going reboot myself, and start again from the point where the possibility of happiness and the capacity to love had been endless. I’m going to take that advice and just let go of everything, and fall. And if doesn’t matter how far or how hard this fall is going to be, because I am going to enjoy the exhilaration that comes with it. That’s how I want to live from now on.

My friend also quoted Jim Morrison as his parting words for the day:

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

What Do I Write?

I just felt like writing. I hope this is a sign that my ‘juices’ are coming back, cos my brain has been feeling like dried oatmeal for awhile now. Honestly I have nothing in particular that I wanted to write about. But I just felt compelled by an invisible force to open up MS Word and start typing. So here I am, with BNR in my ears to keep my brain oiled :P

Maybe I should write about BNR first. So I picked up BNR a few weeks ago. Honestly I know close to nothing about them, but I think their R&B sounds are AWESOME. Let me dig up some info since I started talking about them. No Wiki, but I managed to find a profile on MWave (http://mwave.interest.me/kstar/181294/b-n-r-brand-new-radio-/albums).

So BNR is an acronym for Brand New Radio. And they’re a 2-member band. Not particularly good-looking. So you can say that I am really just in for the music ;) I started getting into them when I heard 아무 말도 없었다 (Did Not Say Anything). Then when I heard their collaboration with Sanchez from Phantom, 흔들었어 (Shaken), I was very hooked. So now I have 2 of their mini albums on repeat on my iPod :D Their instrumentals are just awesome, and invoke so much emotion in me.

Music plays a very big part in building up the right mood for me to write. I have written chapters just listening to Hans Zimmerman’s soundtrack for The Holiday. But sometimes, it can be hard to concentrate and produce certain thoughts when I have music in my ears. I guess that’s when I have writer’s block and nothing I can do to free my brain.

I hate how I feel inspired to write a story, and after 2-3 paragraphs, I find I can’t continue. Maybe it’s because to be able to continue, I would have to immerse myself into the story, and really explore how it will progress. I haven’t done that in a long time. Back then, I was living the stories. When it was a sad chapter, I’d be sad. When it was a troubling chapter, I’d be so troubled and stressed. I contemplate if it’s actually safe to let myself ‘get into character’ like that when I still need to keep my brain for my day job. I remember those days when I’d much rather write my fiction than to do the work I’m given in the office. It’s dangerous.

So yea… I don’t know what I wanna write about. I thought I would just blog about general stuff and silly things that happen to me, but they just don’t seem as interesting as fiction. Haha! I need to sit me down and really figure out what I wanna do :P