Thoughts that niggle...

Sometime I find myself trapped in a thought… and the thought keeps occurring at random times. As much as I have chosen to release it, and to not be bothered by it, it comes back, and it niggles. This is how I usually decide I need to do something about it.

These days, I’m sick of such thoughts. Does everything have to be dealt with just because it makes me uncomfortable? Or are some things meant to exist whether we like it or not? I am constantly in fear of ruining relationships and causing loss of confidence. I tend to think that dealing with issues and talking about them helps build my confidence, but I am somehow coming to think that by doing so, I may inadvertently cause others to lose their confidence in making me happy.

I don’t know how to tell them, “It’s not you who is making me unhappy. It’s the situation we’re in that causes me to feel uneasy. And this uneasiness, I feel, is avoidable.” But in any case, there is no other way to resolve it other than the opposite party reacting and ‘fixing’ the situation in a way that will allow me to be able to accept it. I feel remorseful sometimes, that people have to go out of their comfort zones to console me, but I have not learned to not be bothered by the situations that I cannot accept. Hence, I will always need others to be considerate when it comes to how I feel.

Perhaps, people don’t understand because they have not felt a pain similar to mine. Honestly, no one understands how we feel. We can do our best and try to describe it, but there is a limit to the completeness of the picture we can paint. No one knows our pain as much as we do, and even if they are been through a similar pain, the operative word will be ‘similar’. One can try to relate, but one cannot truly understand.

So I try my best now, to always understand how others might feel. I try my best to accept that there are things I cannot and possibly need not try to change. But if it hurts too much, I will try my best to let people know that I am in pain, and I need them to understand and try not to aggravate, if not alleviate my pain. I can only hope the people who love me understand how hurt I am, and that they care enough to want to stop me from getting hurt.

Endearment In Imperfection

I had a lot on my mind today… and I was trying to narrow down as to what was the root of all these thoughts. I realized that worry is a big part of my life, whether it is positive, or negative. It could be small; like worrying about my boyfriend’s well-being. Sometimes it feels huge; like worrying about my upcoming interview. But no matter the size, the concern is significant to me… and the bigger ones would be more so.

I traced my worry back to fear and lack of confidence. I remember what I wrote previously. I told myself that I was going to be braver from now on. But as I have predicted, such strength rarely comes automatically. It has to be nurtured. Sometimes I’m on track, and sometimes I veer off track. But when I have the support and understanding from love ones, and the time to reflect, I usually come back on track again. I guess this in itself, creates another issue for me. Sometimes my fears are so persistent, that they cause my dependency on my loved ones to increase.

It’s easy to say that all they have to do is to be more aware and understanding of my needs. But when it goes on for a while, people grow weary. What do I do then? I start to feel bad for putting this burden on them, which in turn becomes a form of self-hate for my person and my condition. In these moments of self-hate, I sometimes get angry with the people I love because I feel that while they do love me, they simply don’t understand, and can never understand what I go through, and everything about me they have to deal with will always be some sort of an inconvenience. This is dangerous. It is dangerous simply because it is the setting that leads down a path of self-destruction.

No one can truly understand us. And neither can we ever fully understand another person. This is simply because the human mind is ever-changing, and while a person’s base character rarely changes, their opinions might. How they view and react to things will change over time, and that is something we have to always be ready to accept; the impermanence of the human behaviour.

There are a few things I have decided that I need to live with. Some of these things have bothered me for some time, but I think it’s now best that I recognise them and learn to live with them:

1. I will never be perfect.

I am not a perfect human being. I will never be able to behave in the manner that is always pleasing to the whole world. Some people will accept the way I am, and some people will never accept me as I am. And for those who do love and accept me, I must never feel a sense of indebtedness because they do so willingly. This sense of indebtedness creates the need to be ‘even more perfect’ or to ‘maintain perfection’, which is impossible. We are human. There is no perfection in humanity, but there is always endearment in this imperfection. Our imperfections are what define our characters.

 

It’s alright to be angry. It’s alright to make mistakes. It’s alright to express ourselves. By suppressing all these negativity, we are not attaining perfection. We are simply stifling ourselves and trying to become someone we are not.

 

2. My body will never be perfect.

That annoying zit, my round tummy, the cellulite in my thighs, my lack of boobs, my stubborn hair… I can never fix all of it. She’s prettier than me, she has a better figure than me, she’s more well-dressed than me… the comparisons will never end. For a while, I was actually content with my physical outlook, until I started to let comments affect me. I realised that while I need to make a conscious effort to take care of myself, I should not let others’ opinions on my progress affect me.

 

There was a time when I was a size-S again, and while I was happy with that achievement, I wasn’t a happy person during that time. These days, I am a happier person, but the nagging feeling of not being a size-S and slowly gravitating to being a size-L bothers me. But I realised that it would only bother me if I let it. I need to keep up my basic self-care, e.g. home facials, exercising and eating right. But I should never obsess over them to the point that I feel guilty when I miss a facial, an exercise session or had a burger for lunch. I need to remember that as long as I am happy and healthy, that’s all that matters. The rest are all work-in-progress, and I should never let the fact that I can’t do them all 100% make me feel inadequate.

 

I truly believe that our beauty lies within us. When we are comfortable in our skin, and we radiate love and happiness, we are at our most beautiful.

 

3. No other human is perfect.

In our eyes, the people we love are wonderful and perfect. Hence, when they do things that we do not expect, they don’t seem to understand us, or they don’t seem to reciprocate our feelings, we tend to feel upset… sometimes even devastated. People can seem consistent in their character and behaviour, but there will be times that they may seem to be ‘out of character’ in our views. They are not pre-programmed machines, and even machines have some margin of error. And even when we feel someone is consistently failing us in ways they never did, it could be that they are simply not in their best states of mind, or perhaps they didn’t understand our concerns on the matter.

 

So do we try to ‘fix it’? We always try to fix things, and it usually comes to a state of disappointment. To fix things means trying to take control or a situation and a mind that may not be yours. And when you realise you have no control of it at all, the frustration sets in, and with frustration comes a host of other feelings such as anger, fear and anxiety.

 

So what can we do if trying to fix it would ultimately make it worse? Sometimes we have to just let things lie. Sure. The other person is not going to come to realisation on their own, but sometimes, the only way is to let it pass and we need to find ways to express our concerns without blaming the other person. It sucks when you can’t immediately express yourself to the people you love, but when a person isn’t ready to hear something, you can’t force them to listen to you.

 

No human is perfect, but I never agreed with the notion that we cannot depend on the people we love. They may not be perfect, but we need to have faith in their love for us, and that they will try to see us through the hard times because of the simple fact that they truly love and care for us. When we have confidence in others, it stems from our confidence in ourselves. When we love each other enough, we will attract more love from our loved ones.

So today marks another new attempt at trying to be a stronger and braver person. Will I fall again? I probably will. But I will keep reminding myself that it’s alright, and I can just keep trying.

Bravery

Bravery doesn’t always have to do with facing a fear head-on. I learnt today that bravery can be simply choosing to not succumb to the negative. While you may wonder, “Isn’t that facing your fears?” Well, I call it ‘Choosing to be positive’. Yea… it’s obviously nothing new. Countless self-help articles and memes have told us before…

Everyone has a choice; to be happy or to be sad.

But often, it’s not as simple as picking a box, or a coloured ball out of a bag and have it say ‘Happy’ or ‘Positive’. It’s truly a conscious effort to make the decision to be happy and positive. And what about this process that relates to bravery is that when you make the choice, you consciously decide to accept whatever that comes your way with this choice. You may have chosen a path which you presumed to lead to you happiness, but that doesn’t mean the happiness is guaranteed. You have only made the choice using the knowledge you have that it is the most positive thing you could do at the moment. What comes after may or may not be happy or positive, and the bravery in this is knowing that no matter what the outcome, you will need to be ready to once again be positive about it.

Some people stand back and wait because they are afraid that their actions will cause a chain-effect. Other rush in headlong, not caring what comes, only to be met with the aftermath of not having thought through their actions. Being brave has nothing to do with blind confidence. It entails astute consideration of the consequence of your actions as far as you can see. What you cannot see, after trying your best to cover all possibilities, can be left to fate or the higher beings.

I have always been afraid of changes and the unknown. Because of this, I cling to the familiar, and I would admit that it sometimes results in suffocating people whom I love and ultimately depend on. I know it’s unhealthy to do so; for me and for my loved ones, but I was just too afraid. Paralysed with fear, if you will; that I hang on to familiarity and routine because they comfort me, knowing that I have something to look forward to. But I’m not always like that.

Every once in awhile, I would find a breakthrough, which I will pursue, and I will come to so stage where I become self-sufficient and independent again. Meeting a family friend today has brought me to that path again. I’ve been facing a lot of challenges and changes lately, and have been going around worried and bewildered when I thought of what the future would hold for me. Today, for the first time in the recent months, I have found a sense of peace and positivity when thinking of the road I am about to travel on. I somehow feel that this is the right way to go, and I am positive that it’s going to turn out alright. Though I may not trust myself very much, having guidance and words of assurance from an elder just helps assure you. So today, I’ve decided I will simply keep walking.

I see a path, and I know my best bet now is to keep walking and not worry about what comes. Not just when it comes to my career, but in life too. Even if things are turning out the exact way I wanted them to, it won’t always be a bad thing. I just need to see the positive in it; and this is a repetitive process, not a one-off attempt. Furthermore, I was assured today that there is nothing wrong with my fears, and that my willingness to recognise my fears is already progress on my part. I just now need to learn to not let them consume me; and as I have said in the beginning, finding the strength to continuously change negative thoughts into positive ones is nothing short of a brave attempt to not succumb to a vicious cycle of self-condemnation and unhappiness.

One of the parting messages I received today, was on the Laws of Attraction. I was reminded that the more you thought of something, the more you invite it into your life. So if there’s one thing I’d like to do now, is to invite more happiness and positive events into my life... and it starts today!

Why can’t you get a simple thing right?

Today I truly understand the gravity and hurt that one can inflict just by making this remark –

“Why can’t you get a simple thing right?”

How did I come to this realization? It has happened to me.

Sure, the person did not say it to my face. But she insinuated it. Her very words were –

“How come there are corrections so often.

I think this year I have the most corrections compared to my past 6-7 years in XXX.”

When you hear remarks like this, you feel belittled. You feel that anything else you have ever done right had been for naught, and whatever you do wrong is so heavily scrutinised and penalised. And this is also whether or not it was even all your fault. No one cares. You screw up, you’re worthless. Are people not allowed mistakes anymore? Or perhaps people who make these comments happen to be frustrated and are simply taking it out on you? Whatever it is, it demonstrates a lack of compassion.

After today, I realized that it is very hurtful. All those time we complain about the goods and services we pay for, and we often wonder why people can’t do what their supposed to do properly; especially when it’s their core task, or perhaps even the most minute task in their list of to-dos. The answer could be very simple… the circumstances that caused it were not favourable.

Hence, I shall try to be more compassionate in future. Rather than accusing people for not 'putting their backs into it', I will endeavor to understand how the situation came about, give them the due patience to correct the problem, and refrain from making such remarks. But if I do come to realize that they are willfully committing mistakes or negligence, then I guess I’ll need to take some action, wouldn’t I? ^_^

I Dream of Dreams?

I believe I have mentioned that I have a hard time writing fiction these days. I often start with a great story, but I end up getting stuck.

I was speaking to a friend the other day, and I am beginning to realise that I get stuck because I am afraid. I am afraid of letting my inner thoughts go, for fear of being judged for them. I'm concerned that my readers may think, "Is this this a personal experience?" or "Is this some secret fantasy of hers?" or "Is she sick or something?"

I have forgotten that creative expression doesn't always have to be tied to your very being.

Why can't I write a sadist story, an erotic story or a heart-breaking story without being judged? I am sure in the past, my readers have never judged me for them - even when they knew that most of them were dreams of mine. Dreams of a life I had wanted for myself. Sure there are times I wish I could write about my life... but I guess because even I could not accept my past, and I did not want the people in my future to judge me for my past. Hence, they will never be verbalised or published. Maybe it's because of my honest nature, that I tend to not write just for the sake of creating entertainment. I try to write from my heart.

You care too much about what people think. You want to be liked. You're a people-pleaser. You have approval-addiction. All these describe my state of mind. I admit to them. It will take me a long time before I can 'take things easy' and come to terms with the fact that some people will always want to judge me. And there are those who will always love me for being me.

I've been itching to write fictions lately. But somehow have not brought myself to start for the fear of having another half-done project. And it's not that I don't have ample material. I dream a lot. I have always dreamed all my life. I rarely have a night where I fall asleep and wake up when it's daylight. I would always dream. Sometimes these dreams are what I call 'Hollywood-worthy'.

I'd dream of a story, a plot worthy of making a movie out of. I'd still be able to remember most of it when I wake up, because most of the time, the events are so vivid. But I would never write them down, because I am pretty sure I'd get stuck halfway. Maybe I need to find a way to develop plots. Maybe start plotting outlines for the stories. I don't know. I hope when I feel strong enough to write my stories again, they're gonna be awesome. For now, I would blog, I would write for work... it's just no longer easy to write creatively, for myself.

A reader of mine asked me today, if I would ever write again. I said to her, "Maybe when everything calms down, and I find that center again. Perhaps then. I hope I can do it."

Counting My Blessings

2013 has been a very long year for me. I went through so many changes - some things ended, and many new things began for me.

I realised how I had been causing myself to suffer so often because I trusted the wrong people, because I was just too gullible. I realised new potentials - I am actually capable and I have the ability to continue developing my skills and achieve new heights. I'm still learning how to deal with people in the workplace; bosses and colleagues alike. But most of all, I learned that I deserved to be loved.

Of course all this time, I believed I deserved someone who loved me as much as I loved him. But to hear it from a person, that I deserved to be treated with love and consideration... that was mind-blowing. I am so glad I met my boyfriend. For the first time, I feel confident that there is a path for us to walk down, towards another new beginning that awaits us when we're ready. In the past, I was never sure if I would ever get there... but in just a short 3 months, I am feeling a certainty that I have never encountered before.

I have been thinking so often today; how happy I've been and how my boyfriend really tries to feed my emotional bank. Instead being hounded by fears from my past, or bothered when things are not going my way, I should remember that I've found a man who wants to be next to me. I've found a man who enjoys holding my hand, or even wrapping his arm around my shoulders when we walk. I've found a man who kisses my forehead, my cheeks and every possible spot on my face with loud smacking noises; who hugs me tight in public and strokes me while I try to fall asleep, who checks on my well-being all the time, and nags me when I don't take care of myself. I've found a friend who would laugh with me, be silly with me, and doesn't mind going through tough times with me. I've found a man who wants to build a life with me, and supports my endeavours, dreams and aspirations in every way he can. I've found a man who wants to be a part of my life, and wants me to be a part of his too.

I need to remember all these things, because these are the things that matter most, and I should not let the evil in me cause me to forget the good things, and start picking on the stuff that aren't really significant to begin with.

Sometimes I think I am just so afraid of things ever deteriorating or plateauing, that I clutch at everything that's good and refuse to let the both of us breathe. But I know if I keep doing that, it's just going hurt us more than do us good. I really need to learn to breathe and relax, and just enjoy the moments we have. When we're not having any 'moments', that's when I should just do my reminiscing... or actually get some work done :P

So I just want to say... excuse my sappiness everyone...

I love you baby, and I am so glad that I have a long future ahead with you, because I can't imagine anyone else in your place now. MUAX!!!

CELTA: Journal 4 - Damage Report

So remember how I posted how I was doing oh-kay at the mid-point of my CELTA course? Well, apparently that was my peak. I'm hitting my downward spiral now, and trying to maneuver myself out of it without creating any damage.

1. I'm concerned about sneaking in my work during my day-job working hours.

Before that I was totally oblivious and did whatever I could to make sure I finished my work ahead, as long as I didn't interfere with my work in the office. In the past week, I was making a conscious effort to only work on my course stuff during lunch hour and after work. I'll admit it's better for my focus. But that meant that I need to practice more discipline when I need to finish my work at home.

2. I'm seriously lacking sleep.

The lack of sleep has finally taken a toll on me. So much that even on nights where I make it a point to switch off and sleep before 12am, I still feel so deprived. It's interfered with my short-term memory and focus. Sometimes it screws with my mood too, and my face >_< Not pretty sight indeed. I've decided to take every Friday off for the next 2 weeks so that I can complete my assignment and lesson plans on time.

3. Immune system is taking a hit!

My body has been having allergic reactions and a myriad of other conditions. The only reason it hasn't entirely shut down on me is because I make an effort to feed my body with lots of supplements and make sure I eat... and I've been eating a lot.

4. Gaining weight!!!

I feel like a blob. I know beneath my blubber is my body screaming to get back in shape and in good health. But the best I can do for it now is to make sure it has enough nourishment. I'm so sorry blubber... we'll need to hang in there for another 2 weeks before I send you away.

5. I do everything but work - sometimes.

When I get going... boy do I get going. But when I choose not to, like now :D I take forever to get to it. And I don't just get sidetracked by Facebook or my beautiful bed. I'd start mending stuff, doing arts and craft, reading; basically anything but my assignment, because I'm feeling stuck :( Oh well...

There's a lot more shit happening, but I guess I'm ready to get back to my assignment and hopefully finish it today. Have a great weekend people :P

CELTA: Journal 3

Yea... So I thought I could blog periodically about my course, but it turns out to be almost impossible since I'm rushing to complete lesson plans and assignments half the time. Even more so this week, because my wonderful trainer left it till Wednesday to give us the lesson he'd like us to teach this weekend. So I had 2 days to come up with the first draft. Ran it by him on Saturday, and then update it accordingly so that I could teach it on Sunday.

It's all gone pretty well up till now. I've been getting a "To Standard" for every one of my lesson. I wished that I'd worked harder with the 3rd or 4th one and had gotten an "Above Standard". Well, I'm Asian. I like to feel I'm way better than most people, most of the time :D Haha! I passed my resubmission for Assignment 2, and I still don't know what I'm getting for Assignment 1, but I'm happy things are going well.

I survived my first lesson with the grumpiest trainer today; let's call him Grumpy Cat. I was actually very apprehensive this morning, and I was pretty stressed the day before. I think I had sort of a nightmare. But I guess I showed that I could handle a lesson. One of the students told me that she liked my style a lot. She felt that I spoke clearly, and I put up the vocab and etc. clearly on the board and it has helped her. I'm so happy for the positive feedback. Although the students' feedback doesn't matter to the trainers or the assessor who will come from Cambridge, but having heard positive comments from the students since I started teaching has been wonderful. The student today even asked me if I had taught previously ^__________^ Yes... this calls for a really big smile.

I almost went crazy on Thursday though. I had been spending the entire day slogging at work, then rushing to do the lesson plan for the weekend after office hours. Then I got the email from Grumpy Cat accusing me for leaving work till last minute when I was preempting him that I might hand in my resubmission late. Turns out he totally forgot he'd already marked my first submission, and I was so angry that he was accusing me for being a last minute worker when I handed in my assignment 6 days before it was even due. Yea... you'd explode too if you were me. So I sent him a very polite rant... as polite as I could muster, and he replied saying that it sounds like I'm under a lot of pressure, and that I could have an extension. He realised his boo-boo yesterday, but never apologised. Oh well...

I forgot to take a photo of it, but I was at a stationery shop and chanced upon these self-inking stamps that reminded me of Grumpy Cat; it was an angry face! Haha! How apt! To be fair, I bought 2, one for the nice trainer, and another one for Grumpy Cat. Dunno if he's touched, but I think by now he's very accustomed to being viewed as the critical, heartless one. But he made a fair point today during our feedback session. He said that if we were prepared to take his advise, we would expect to get better and learn more. Well, I agree. So yea... gotta listen to him from now on. He's like the Simon Cowell of CELTA. Hahaha!

So I have another lesson to finish planning and an assignment to draft up by Wednesday. Meanwhile trying to make time to have a life and catch up on sleep. Plus I haven't been exercising for weeks. Definitely gained a lot of weight. My body is screaming for me to cut the carbs, but it's the only way I can comfort myself. Other than receiving hugs and cuddles and kisses. Haha! So... 3 more weeks. I think I'll survive, but only if I don't kill myself first.

I don't think I'll be able to blog about each lesson anymore, maybe at the end of the course when I have time :D Fingers crossed!

CELTA: Journal 2

Lesson 4: Wednesday, 7pm.

Was early. Managed to reach super early and had my mixed rice dinner. Spent the session studying phonetics and discussing the upcoming Teaching Practice (TP).

The kiasu me had submitted my lesson plan earlier that day, and I received my feedback the same day. I managed to jumble up everything. Bah... observing the lesson on video and reading the teacher's lesson plan confused me. Anyway, I corrected it the next day and got a pretty clean assessment back from the trainer. All good to go. Now for the unobserved lesson on Saturday.

Lesson 5: Saturday, 9am.

I totally dragged myself out of bed this morning. Was so sad when I realised Old Chang Kee wasn't open yet :( Had to buy a peanut pancake from Mr Bean, and on the way to class, a stupid BMW drove past and splashed me. Grrr! Luckily it wasn't like a big splash. But it wet the bag of my pancake. Had to rinse it before I dared to eat it. So far no food poisoning. So I guess I cleaned it up properly.

Oh man... I was so unprepared for today's class. I had no lesson plan, no script... just some examples Jill had shown us about eliciting questions to work with. I was so stiff and it was quite awkward being the first teacher of the day. Most of the students were nice, except this Korean fella whom I assume is in his early thirties. He was trying to be smart the whole lesson. My female classmate and I tried not to laugh when he was trying to be funny, since we didn't want to encourage him.

All in all, the students had a pretty okay understanding of the English Language. Most of them lacked speaking practice, and were there for this very reason. Some were very shy, and simply needed more opportunity and encouragement.

We managed to get the Korean guy 'upgraded' to the Intermediate class. So we don't have to deal with him for the next 3 lessons. But we'll be seeing him again when we switch from teaching Elementary to Intermediate. 2 more weeks... I think I will like teaching this group. 4 of them are from China and 1 from Japan. Lovely students :)

The biggest bomb dropped on me was that I would have to teach 2 days in a row next weekend. This means that I have to prepare 2 lesson plans this week. Awesome... since I had to finish a report at work on Monday. I hope I can cope.... *faints*

So here I am now, about to review my script for my first proper lesson tomorrow. And I need to get cracking on my next 2 lesson plans. Whoop dee doo... don't forget, my assignment is also due next weekend. OMG... wish me luck! :P

Btw, today we learned how to teach grammar, which I will have to put into practice next weekend. Oh my brain... it felt burnt today. I just took a nap earlier, and I hope I can finish all the shit I need to do tonight. My running may have to take a backseat for the next month. Bummer...

CELTA: Journal 1

I’ve been meaning to blog about my CELTA experience as often as I can, but I realized that I probably won’t have enough time to do it every week with all the assignments that are going to be due soon.

I just finished reading a CELTA student’s blog. She’s a mother and was not working full time, but opted to take the 8 weeks course instead of the 4 weeks course. Apparently, that was a better call, and I am happy that I am able to take the 8 weeks course. However she mentioned that her peers who worked full time struggled more; they started to neglect their work.

All I can say is that, I am glad my job is not too heavy and stressful at the moment. I will have 2 weeks out of the next 8 weeks where I have deadlines due at work, but I will do my best to not let my CELTA interfere with the deadlines and vice versa. But I would have to admit that I have been using some work time to organize my CELTA stuff, but that’s because I don’t have all that much to do sometimes, and it’s such a waste of time to sit around and twiddle my thumbs.

Anyway, let’s describe my lessons so far. I will try to update these ‘journal’ entries when I have more time to insert in the key takeaways and summarise my learning journey better.

Lesson 1: Wednesday, 7pm.

I rushed from office to school at Sim Lim Square; managed to get there by 6:45pm and scoffed down my dinner. I was the first one to arrive. Everyone else arrived near to 7pm, and one arrived after 7pm. I was either right on time, or late for the consecutive lessons, and I feel bad because I didn’t want the trainers to think that I was always tardy, but I guess I’ve proven on the first day that I was capable of being on time. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself when I couldn’t make it on time :P

The first trainer we met was Bernard. I was a bit worried that I’d gotten off on the wrong foot with him the first day: I was trying to copy the schedule he wrote down on the board using my phone, and he thought I was texting (>_<) But I guess we’re all good now, especially after our 2^nd class together on Sunday.

The first session was mainly about the structure of the course, the grading and the general expectations. Bernard tried to help us set expectations when he talked about the grading standard for the course. Upon completing CELTA, we would be graded (in descending order) Pass A, Pass B, Pass and Fail. The worldwide statistics by far are as follows (approximately):

Pass A – 5%

Pass B – 10%

Pass – 80%

Fail – 5%

He pretty much told us to not worry too much about failing, but at the same time, not to put too much expectation on ourselves by aiming for Pass A. It is perfectly normal to get a Pass, as seen from the statistics. I guess he is all too familiar with the way our Asian minds work. Haha! “I must be the best!” In a way, I agree with what he is doing, because I know fully well that if I set too high an expectation on myself, I may end up doing the exact opposite. But if I were to take it calmly and just try to do my best at each juncture, I suppose I may do better than I expect myself to. However, after reading that student’s blog and seeing that she got a Pass B, I am thinking… I bloody-hell want a Pass A! LOL!

Then we will have Teaching Practices (TPs), where we will have the opportunity to teach real students (Elementary and Intermediate levels). Yes… real people shall become our guinea pigs. Basically, these students get to sign on for free lessons. They pay a deposit of $200, which is refundable if they meet the minimum attendance criteria. We will be observed and assessed, according to the criteria that will be communicated to us on a weekly basis, and for each TP, we will be graded: Above Standard, To Standard or Below Standard.

My goal would be to always be above standard. But what would mean that I had to prep myself well for each lesson, which includes a near flawless lesson plan, and awesome classroom management. According to Bernard, that could include even scripting the instructions that I would give the students.

In the first lesson, we went through the topics on learning styles, what affects and motivates learners. We talked more about the course structure and expectations.

Lesson 2: Saturday, 10am

We met Jill, the 2^nd trainer, and we started to go more into the technical stuff like planning a lesson, and grammar. Yes… this is the part that scares me the most. While most of us, whose first language (L1) is English, have no problem using proper English on a day to day basis, we aren’t really sure about the different grammar rules that exist. So you can be assured that it was a painful process for me, and will probably continue to be for the next few weeks.

I’ve found a site that lists out the tenses. I think that in the coming 8 weeks, I have a lot of brushing up to do, on top of getting my lesson plans and assignments done.

http://www.englishclub.com/grammar/verb-tenses.htm

On Saturday, we learned a lot about the Receptive Skills, reading and listening, the different levels of reading and listening, and how we were going to be training our students to be proficient in them. It became clear to me that teaching wasn’t all about guiding the students through reading a passage, or helping them do the exercises. It’s more about knowing how to prepare them for the tasks so that they can better attempt them, and even have more confidence to attempt them on their own. Eventually, we had to also work on a Productive Skill such as writing and speaking, to put into action what was learned during the reading and listening. Don’t forget the endless drilling we will also need to do to help them remember vocabulary and grammar rules.

Lesson 3: Sunday, 10am

Finally on Sunday, we explored, in detail with Bernard, how to plan a lesson, and all the dos and don’ts when conducting a lesson. We had the opportunity to watch a lesson on DVD and to dissect that same lesson to learn the tips and tricks of a good lesson, and methods of a good teacher.

We went into the technicalities of classroom management, how important it is to monitor students constantly to see if they are following, giving short, clear instructions but maintaining a friendly and respectful tone, and knowing how to manage time so that the lessons don’t overrun or end too early.

Knowing and setting aims are also important so that we ensure the lesson fulfills the learning purpose required. This is something I will really need to think about when preparing my lesson plan. I feel that there is so much consideration required just to prepare a lesson. Teaching is definitely not just about pointing, miming, lecturing and telling students to hand in homework.

This coming Saturday, we will have an unobserved TP, which means the trainer would not be watching and assessing us. It’s an opportunity for us to get to know our students and also conduct a dry run with a short lesson we have been asked to prepare. There are some teaching methods that I have been considering; I suppose this would be a good time to try them out?

On Sunday, we will have our first assessed TP. I’m done creating my material for the students. Just some minor tweaking to go and it’s good enough for submission. The concern now is the lesson plan. I have an idea of what I will be doing. Completing the material has helped form in my mind how I would go about conducting the class. Now I will have to sit myself down and complete that lesson plan.

As you can see… almost everything about this course is very practical and hands on. This makes me believe that I will be truly qualified to teach when I complete this course. On top of that, we’re assessed all the time and receive feedback on strengths, weaknesses and what we need improve on after every assessment. This means I will always know my level of progress and what I need to do to fix my mistakes.

I’m a bit worried that I will procrastinate. That’s what I did over the weekend, knowing I had no time to chill the evening away. But I am also fully aware that if I push myself too hard, I might break and go into my ‘escapism’ mode again. In any case, I just need to bite the bullet and be disciplined about this. From today onwards, I need to spend my evenings trying to complete my work ahead of schedule, rather than trying to complete on time. While it’s tempting to get cracking on things while I’m at work, I should reserve doing my coursework in the office only for those items where I need the resources in the office.

So 2 things on my list now to complete ASAP:

1.      Lesson Plan for TP1

2.      Assignment 1

Wish me luck…

CELTA-schmelta~

So today, I was asking a friend regarding the certificates I would need to be able to teach English in Seoul; mainly to seem credible and qualified. She said TESOL, and I was like… what about TEFL? So I started searching around on the Internet, and I found that what I really needed was a CELTA (Certificate in English Language Teaching to Adults). So after more digging around, I found the school in Singapore which offered this course.

http://www.tesol.edu.sg/Cambridge-CELTA

I checked that this school was recognized by Cambridge. The British Council is also offering this certification, but they don’t provide a part time schedule. So I’m stuck with this school.

Well… I was supposed to shower once I got home, have dinner and start working on that ‘pre-interview task’ that the school gave me. But I got carried away calculating how I was gonna pay for this, and dinner was ready. So here I am, bloated after dinner, writing this while I wait for my food to digest a little before I jumped into the shower. Ok… TMI.

******

So, I have pretty much completed the pre-interview task. I dunno why they call it a task when it’s obviously a test :P I think I lost a chunk of my brain pondering the answers to this... Will I survive the entire course >_<

The main reason I am blogging is because I am still questioning myself. I am about spend $5,176 on this certification, with no guarantee if it’s going to be my magic ticket to teaching  English while I travel to different Asian countries. I’ve pretty much figured out how to pay for it, so the next step is how I am going to survive the next 8 weeks.

I have one weekday class, and on weekends, I will be attending class at 10am to 6pm on Saturdays and Sundays. So this means no sleeping in on weekends, no late nights, and no trips for the next 8 weeks starting 25 Sep. But I figured this would be a good time since I didn’t have plans to go anywhere anyway.

And because this is also going to create a sizable debt, this also means no shopping for the entire year :( Oh well... at least I am putting my money to good use.

So I’m just gonna review my work tomorrow before I send it out, because my brain is too taxed to be checking my work anymore tonight, and I believe the guy wants the interview to be completed chop-chop by Tuesday. So… wish me luck! Zzzzzzzz…

Let Go And Free Fall

I spent the afternoon nursing a scar that I had received not too long ago. The funny thing is… it’s a bloody scar. Scars shouldn't hurt anymore. I knew it was ridiculous, and yet I continued, for a few hours. I asked ridiculous questions, said stupid things, and ultimately brought myself down to a state of depression. It wasn’t until I spoke to my friend, crying as I typed out how I felt, and I received his advice, that I finally calmed down, and ultimately pulled myself together so that I could go take a shower and try to finish off my Sunday in a more humane manner.

I heard the same advice from someone else earlier today. But I guess my friend just did a more effective job since he knew me well enough.

“I’m going to keep chasing everyone away, aren’t I?” I asked.

“Yes,” was his reply.

Ultimately, these were the few words that woke me up.

Let go and free fall.

I had been so obsessed with the destination. Granted I had been hurt along the way; once, twice, thrice. But they are not reasons to shy away from feeling and living. Continuing to obsess over my scars and trying to use them as a means to justify my irrational fears is just going to waste my life away.

So I’m going reboot myself, and start again from the point where the possibility of happiness and the capacity to love had been endless. I’m going to take that advice and just let go of everything, and fall. And if doesn’t matter how far or how hard this fall is going to be, because I am going to enjoy the exhilaration that comes with it. That’s how I want to live from now on.

My friend also quoted Jim Morrison as his parting words for the day:

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

What Do I Write?

I just felt like writing. I hope this is a sign that my ‘juices’ are coming back, cos my brain has been feeling like dried oatmeal for awhile now. Honestly I have nothing in particular that I wanted to write about. But I just felt compelled by an invisible force to open up MS Word and start typing. So here I am, with BNR in my ears to keep my brain oiled :P

Maybe I should write about BNR first. So I picked up BNR a few weeks ago. Honestly I know close to nothing about them, but I think their R&B sounds are AWESOME. Let me dig up some info since I started talking about them. No Wiki, but I managed to find a profile on MWave (http://mwave.interest.me/kstar/181294/b-n-r-brand-new-radio-/albums).

So BNR is an acronym for Brand New Radio. And they’re a 2-member band. Not particularly good-looking. So you can say that I am really just in for the music ;) I started getting into them when I heard 아무 말도 없었다 (Did Not Say Anything). Then when I heard their collaboration with Sanchez from Phantom, 흔들었어 (Shaken), I was very hooked. So now I have 2 of their mini albums on repeat on my iPod :D Their instrumentals are just awesome, and invoke so much emotion in me.

Music plays a very big part in building up the right mood for me to write. I have written chapters just listening to Hans Zimmerman’s soundtrack for The Holiday. But sometimes, it can be hard to concentrate and produce certain thoughts when I have music in my ears. I guess that’s when I have writer’s block and nothing I can do to free my brain.

I hate how I feel inspired to write a story, and after 2-3 paragraphs, I find I can’t continue. Maybe it’s because to be able to continue, I would have to immerse myself into the story, and really explore how it will progress. I haven’t done that in a long time. Back then, I was living the stories. When it was a sad chapter, I’d be sad. When it was a troubling chapter, I’d be so troubled and stressed. I contemplate if it’s actually safe to let myself ‘get into character’ like that when I still need to keep my brain for my day job. I remember those days when I’d much rather write my fiction than to do the work I’m given in the office. It’s dangerous.

So yea… I don’t know what I wanna write about. I thought I would just blog about general stuff and silly things that happen to me, but they just don’t seem as interesting as fiction. Haha! I need to sit me down and really figure out what I wanna do :P

Mistakes

I think the hardest thing for a person to deal with is to admit their mistakes. Not small stuff like being late, a typo or even offending someone; because these are quite obvious mistakes. I’m referring to making wrong choices, and feeling like you have to trudge on forward and live with them because you are either too ashamed to admit you made a mistake, or you feel too guilty to the parties involved that you feel the only way is to continue and make the best of things.

For the longest time, this is what I did with most of my decisions that turned out to be mistakes. I always wanted to prove to others, and myself, that I wasn’t wrong and things would work out fine. But after a few really big ones, I’m beginning to learn that when you make a mistake, you cut your losses and move on. Some people may accuse me of being hasty or ruthless, but when you’ve suffered long enough by trying to live with a mistake, you will know that you are much better off moving on.

I’m not running away from my problems. I’m just removing myself from a situation where I know isn’t going to turn out well, instead of allowing myself to continue to be mired by a situation which will eventually consume me.

In reference to my recent situation; there were good moments, and there were moments that I was unsure, and then there were moments that screamed “Bad!”. I guess I was very overwhelmed and confused, but eventually it was the fact that I didn’t feel comfortable that prompted me to want out. I know that I cannot be blameless for what happened. So I’m going to graciously admit that I had definitely rushed into things this time, and I know it was wrong. I’m sorry things had to turn out like this, but I do believe that it’s for the best.

The fact that I had even started to feel some old bouts of depression wafting back into my life, I refuse to allow more of it to come back and take root. Hence, I am going to move ahead of it, and stop it. I definitely am not ecstatic now. In fact I am sad that things have turned out this way. But for me, there is no other way. This is not the first time, and it should be the last; I am doing this because I want to love myself more.

White Tigers In Captivity Are A Product of Inbreeding

I read this article few weeks back: White Tigers: Conserving A Lie.

Reading it inspired me to write a short feature on my workplace blog. Decided to post it here so that I can share the story with more people :)

It's a little late to know the truth, but nevertheless, it is an important truth we all need to know and hopefully do something about.

White tigers are not a specific breed of tigers, but a product of a genetic anomaly called 'leucism', which prevents the pigment from coloring the skin and the fur. This causes a tiger to lose its natural camouflage abilities, which is why white tiger cubs rarely survive till adulthood in the wild. On top of that, the white tigers are also plagued with a host of health problems which includes scoliosis of the spine, cleft palates, and more often than not, their optical nerves are wired to the wrong side of the brain, causing them to be crosseyed or in some cases, their eyes would even be bulging out of their heads. Many are also either stillborn or do not survive infancy.

I obtained the chronology of the white Bengal tiger from Big Cat Rescue’s site.

1820:
A white tiger was displayed at Exeter Change.
1915:
White tiger cub captured by Maharajah Gulab Singh of Rewa. Upon its death it was gifted to King George V as a sign of India’s loyalty to the crown.
25th May 1951:
A forest laborer reported sighting a white tiger cub.
26th May 1951:
The cub’s mother and two of its three siblings were shot and killed.
27th May 1951:
Maharaja Martand Singh captured Mohan.
30th May 1951:
The cub escapes and a large party goes out to recapture it.
26th February 1952:
A normal colored tigress named Begum is captured.
10th April 1955:
Begum produced a litter of a male and two female cubs. All were orange, as were all the cubs in her subsequent two litters.
December 1957:
Mohan was mated with Radha, his four-year-old daughter from the second litter with Begum.
20th October 1958:
Radha produced an all-white litter of a male and three female cubs. They were christened Raja, Rani, Sukeshi and Mohini. Subsequently:The male and one female (Raja and Rani) were gifted to the National Zoological Gardens in New Delhi.Mohini was transported to Washington D.C.Sukeshi was kept for mating with Mohan and remained with him until he was withdrawn from breeding. She was then housed with her son in hopes they would breed but he showed no interest in mating with her and after six years without success she too was transferred to the National Zoological Gardens in New Delhi where she died on the 2nd February 1975.
May 1964:
Raja and Rani were mated. Rani gave birth to two white cubs, a male and a female. She mauled both and the female died. The male, ‘Tippu’ lost his tail and was hand-raised with great difficulty.
August 1965:
Two white cubs born to Rani. Both die due to neglect.
19th December 1965:
Three white cubs are born to Rani. They were left in her care for just over a month, at which point she lost interest and they were hand-raised. The female dies at the age of 17-months and one male dies on the 17th April 1967 during shipping to the United States.Breeding of Rani continued and she produced a total of 20 white cubs.
19th December 1969:
Mohan died aged 19 years 7 months. All captive white tigers descend from Mohan, which explains why they are so genetically inbred.

As you can see, Mohan is the ancestor and origin of all white tigers in captivity. Many zoos keep, breed and display white tigers for the sake of drawing crowds. Some even market it as a conservation effort, which is far from the truth because the species only exists due to a genetic anomaly. White tigers can never be released into the wild because they will not be able to survive without their camouflage abilities. And what about those cubs that were born the 'wrong colour' i.e. orange with black stripes; they are usually discarded and suffer from the same genetic defects too.

Being curious, because I did remember seeing white tigers at the Singapore Zoo long ago, I checked out their website. The white tiger exhibit is featured on their website. While they did mention Mohan, there is no further mention on the issue of inbreeding of white tigers, and I am not sure how the standpoint from which the zoo is exhibiting these tigers. Perhaps it’s time I visited the zoo again, or has someone been there recently and can provide feedback? 

Moving Forward

Hello, hello~

I know I have not been writing for some time; a long, long time. It’s not that I have been feeling uninspired, but each time I have an idea, it only lasts for a few paragraphs. I am rarely able to follow through. What’s going on? In fact, I don’t even know how to continue writing this. Haha!

If you know me personally, or have been reading, you would’ve noticed that I ended a relationship awhile back. I never really wrote about the exact situation. Sometimes I feel like I am actually embarrassed about my past, and unable to relive any painful memories because they may have the ability to depress me all over again. Each time I go through a bad relationship, I have been tempted to write about it, to recount the entire process, but I always chickened out. They just seemed too personal and painful to recount in detail.

Today… I just have this urge to mention my past a little, and write about something new that has happened to me. This is as honest as I can get… so bear with me, eh? :D

I never knew what I was searching for. Of course I have expectations, but I realized that they were all superficial and only dealt with the surface level of a human being. People have always asked me what would my ideal man be like, and I have so far only been able to provide characteristics such as tall, athletic, stable, manly… I found a person like that awhile back. When I first met him, he had given me the impression that he was looking for commitment. In a way, he mentioned that he was looking for commitment. I took that as an indication that I could commit fully too, and even when there were signs that he didn’t seem all that ready to commit, I brushed them aside and continued investing myself into the relationship.

When I meet someone, my original ideals tend to become secondary. Sure I still know what I want, but I guess I magnify the little good, and try to ignore anything bad about this person. Why? Because I want so much for things to work out; who doesn’t? Time after time, I do this, and it wasn’t till the last relationship ended that I realized what I had been doing to myself.

There is nothing wrong in wanting to find ‘the one’, but sacrificing your identity and sanity in order to preserve something that probably did not exist is just plain stupidity. That’s what I did for at least 4 months out of the entire 6 months. I took everything that came my way; instructions, expectations, criticisms, and once in awhile, even insults. No, I was not abused, but in a way, I was not treated in the way I needed to be treated. I now marveled how I managed to stick with someone who couldn’t even tell me that he loved me.

While those 3 words could be overrated and misused, they mean a lot to me when a person takes time to say them. Everyone can agree that talk is cheap. But in any case, words will always be appreciated, and words will always provide comfort when you are feeling fearful, unsure and insecure. I had been unsure and insecure for 6 months, and I decided enough was enough. I am glad I had the courage to let go, and I thank the person who helped find my trigger point.

After it all ended, I just felt that the world had become a place where everyone was selfish, egotistical and no one actually honored their promises and commitments anymore. I spent a few months trying to ‘come to terms’ with the ‘state of the world’. But in this time, I realized that I had something really valuable in my life; friends. My friends were all there for me when I needed to talk and needed companionship. I don't have that many close friends, but I am glad those I have kept close to my side and close to my heart, they have always been wonderful to me. I hope that when they need me someday, I can be there for them too...

I can count on me

People tend to be able to relate when someone rich and famous says, “It’s lonely at the top.” Yet, when someone who seems sociable claims that they don’t have many friends, no one really believes them. The fact is that most people will be a friend to you… when it’s fun, when it suits them most; but what happens when things aren’t that pleasant. Are they going to stick around for you?

I guess the even more disappointing truth is that all the time you spend, trying to build a ‘support network’ may end up a big flop, because some of these people never intended to be a part of it to begin with. For that reason, I am starting to believe that you can never go wrong when you stick with a few good friends as opposed to having a friend for this activity, a group for that activity, and the list goes one. Have a few good friends you can really have conversations with, and if you need to pursue and activity you really like, do it alone… with strangers.

The whole point here is to never start counting on people to always do something with you. At some point, we are bound to be disappointed. Even I can’t count on me, and if I don’t become a permanent fixture to anyone, I won’t have to disappoint them eventually

Zuckerberg’s Top 10 Trends in Silicone Valley

by Kerry Williams

Mark Zuckerberg’s sister, Randi Zuckerberg, is in town and it turns out she is quite accomplished in her own right. Before joining Facebook as their CMO she graduated from Harvard and gained experience working at Ogilvy & Mather in New York.

She tells stories about her time at Facebook that correlate closely with the Facebook movie: that it all started with a bunch of guys in a house working on their passion and of all night ‘hackathons’ where staff were challenged to build something new in 24 hours. She recounts her experiences witnessing global events unfold on Facebook newsfeeds - countless global elections, 2 Olympic Games and many disaster relief efforts - and lists receiving a call from the White House during a US Presidential Election as the highlight of her career so far.

These experiences have led her to distill a list of the ‘Top 10 Trends in Silicone Valley Today’. What do you think?

1. Luxury on Demand
Every day consumers want little pieces of luxury in their lives and they’re willing to splurge to pay for them.

www.renttherunway.com – Premier designer dress rental

www.uber.com – Everyone’s Private Driver

www.jetsuite.com – Private air travel for everyone


2. Mobile Everywhere
From mobile payments to home security systems and baby monitors, we’re all acutely aware of this trend. Randi Zuckerberg’s advice: focus on one mobile use case and make it awesome.

www.squareup.com – mobile payments

www.dropcam.com – baby monitor

www.runpee.com – best times to run and pee during a movie


3. Rise of the Entre-Employee
Big companies are starting entrepreneurial tracks inside their organizations to hold-on to their best talent.


4. Big Data

The whole point of big data is extreme personalization. The more data there is in the system about you the better the personalization becomes.

Pandora

Yelp

www.waze.com – Social GPS


5. The cloud has replaced our memory

We panic about losing our phones not because we can’t communicate but because it means we’ve lost our memories.

www.evernote.com – Remember Everything


6. Cars are the new mobiles

Developers are now focusing their attention on cars. Next generation cars will have native apps built in for things like shopping and the weather and it won’t be long before we all have self-driving cars.

7. Gamification of everything
Game mechanics are being applied to everything to make life fun and increase adoption.

Snooze App – donate money every time you hit the snooze button

Withings Wi-Fi Body Scale – scale that tweets your weight

www.nikeplus.nike.com - social running app

www.runforyourlives.com – zombies chase you while you run


8. Everyone can have a second job
The collaborative economy is here - if you have a job you need done you can outsource it.

www.liftshare.com – car sharing

www.taskrabbit.com - personal assistant

www.porky.com – crowd sourced new product development

www.etsy.com – arts and craft market place

www.99designs.com.sg – crowd sourced design


9. Brands are now media companies

Today, companies not only have to create new products but they also have to entertain customers.

Red Bull astronaut

Oreo 2013 Super Bowl

Diane Von Furstenburg + Google Glass runway show


10. It’s time for a digital detox

People crave a chance to be unplugged. 70% of Americans don’t go to sleep without checking their email and it’s now become socially acceptable not to give someone your full attention and use your phone whilst talking with them. New products are being developed to allow people to ‘unplug’ from it all.

www.drivesafe.ly – the app to stop distracted driving

Full Contact – a company paying employees a $7500 bonus if they disconnect their work email whilst on holiday

Kerry Williams is a native Australian and is currently an Associate Director with a leading telecommunications company in Singapore.

Does having the last word matter?

I had the last word. Pretty much… but my last words weren’t exactly what I felt.

I guess this is the price you pay when you choose to be amicable about things. People would probably tell me that it’s not worth it. This person isn’t worth my time, my anger, the trouble to speak to him. But I just feel that I have kept everything inside for all this time.

I can’t say he didn’t suffer in any way. But at the end of the day, I don’t know how he feels about it all, and I can only examine and deal with my own feelings. At first it was just disappointment, sadness, regret… but now, it’s changing into anger.

I don’t identify with the all’s fair in love and war thing. Yes, I have received forgiveness for hurting people before, and the person said the same to me; there is not right and wrong in a relationship. But if you ask me, I would say that despite this ‘doctrine’, there are just some things you don’t do to people if you want to be viewed a normal human being.

At this point, I just want to sit him down, and rant, and tell him how I felt deceived, how I felt hurt, how I felt used, how I was not appreciated, how he could’ve been more honest in the beginning and how he can’t keep treating people this way. I know he may not care for what I have to say, and obviously it’s not going to change him, but I do want to get it out of my system. Why? Because I have never once confronted him about anything… not with anger.

I’ve always wonder if it really is a virtue that I never throw tantrums, or it’s just stupid of me for never expressing myself when I needed to. Each time I felt angry, I would end up talking around in circles because I didn’t how to express my thoughts. Full-blown anger would rile him, emotional blabber annoys him, and while I know the best way is to stay calm, be rational and give good examples to illustrate things, it’s so difficult when you feel upset. The biggest problem is when he starts responding, and I lose my train of thought, and get swayed by his opinion. Sometimes I even get intimidated, God knows why…

I’m rambling now. I can feel my emotions welling up and I’m starting to lose my train of thought, but somehow writing always seems more effective for me; at least when I get lost, I can compose myself and try again. I am well aware that this post is pointless, other than helping me air my thoughts… so… yea. I just want to yell at him now, because I never did.

I wish I were a cold, hard bitch sometimes. It might have either made me more resilient, or at least I would not take shit from anyone. But I guess one can never eliminate their true nature. The fact is I will always be a softie, and I just need to learn to put on some armor. Anger is how I protect myself from feeling sad and forlorn, so I guess my defense mechanism is kicking in now.

I honestly hope I never have to write a post like this ever again... It's not productive at all :P

Where is the love?

There is so much going on in the world today. Whenever we go on the internet, be it on Facebook, Twitter or simply a news site like Yahoo!... we’re be hard-pressed not to find something outrageous or scandalous to read about.

I’ve been living a partial hermit life as of late. I find myself often bothered and sometimes saddened by the things people would post on Facebook, or be harassed by dozens of game requests. I find it meaningless to continue reading about the troubles in the world and to even discuss it with the people around me. It’s not because I have no will to stay abreast with current issues, but it’s simply because the world feels so forlorn and disappointing these day.

So where do I spend my time now? When I go online, I visit the websites of my favourite Christian ministries such as Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer. When I am not online, I read numerous self-help books and also attempt to study the bible. If the question has popped up in your head, then my answer is, “Yes, I have accepted Christ as my savior.”

Years ago, I would never have understood the devotion of my devout Christian friends. But I can see now that in a world full of violence, hatred and hurting people, it seems having faith is the only way we can stay sane. Morality and integrity has deteriorated to such a low point. People have come to only believe we should ‘trust in ourselves’, ‘be confident in ourselves’ and ‘look out for ourselves’. You see the pattern? The majority of society has become entirely interested only in self-preservation. Black Eyed Peas released a popular song some years ago, entitled ‘Where is the love?’. I ask the same question:

Where has love gone to? What is love to people these days?

Even I, myself, had practiced selfish love for the longest time. I was mainly interested in how people viewed me, and what they did to show me they loved me or approved of me. But being Christian has taught me something new: Love starts from within us. There is no conspiracy in the bible’s teaching that we have been called to love people. I found that when we started to love people, mainly by being nice, putting others first and making the effort to reach out to help people who need us, we soon forget about our personal issues. And when we forget about ourselves, that is when selfless love comes about, and we eventually become happier and more contented people because we’ve forgotten about what we wanted and stopped fixating on the ‘problem’ in our lives.

These days, I like to believe I have zero problems. If I had any, I believed that I just needed to act in faith, and let God take care of the rest. There is so much relief in knowing that I don’t have to spend my entire day pondering on something and worrying about something that I can’t change with my own strength. Most of the time, we really do need to ‘ride it out’ or let things run their course, rather than immediately act on it. The only situations that require immediate actions are life & death situations. If it’s nothing of the sort, we can probably wait on it after we have done what rightfully needs to be done.

I find myself slowly growing into a more joyful, positive and strong person as of late. I still battle with my insecurities, fears and other issues from time to time, but it is getting easier with each battle won. I am looking forward to being a more complete person, and one who is steadfast in my faith, able to always love and give to others.

I am not here to preach that Christianity is the best religion in the whole wide world, because it is still a world of free will, but we must always remember with free will comes responsibility for the things you do unto others. I will leave you with a very good answer to the question, “What is the best religion?”, and it was the Dalai Lama who provided this wonderful answer…

“The best religion is the one that gets you closest to God. It is the one that makes you a better person.”

The Dalai Lama also imparted this very important teaching:

Take care of your Thoughts because they become Words.
Take care of your Words because they will become Actions.
Take care of your Actions because they will become Habits.
Take care of your Habits because they will form your Character.
Take care of your Character because it will form your Destiny,
and your Destiny will be your Life.

I leave you with the link to the dialogue between His Holiness and theologian Leonardo Boff. I hope you have also learned something today, like I did :)

http://inthefootstepsofthebuddha.com/your-religion-is-not-important/