Thoughts that niggle...

Sometime I find myself trapped in a thought… and the thought keeps occurring at random times. As much as I have chosen to release it, and to not be bothered by it, it comes back, and it niggles. This is how I usually decide I need to do something about it.

These days, I’m sick of such thoughts. Does everything have to be dealt with just because it makes me uncomfortable? Or are some things meant to exist whether we like it or not? I am constantly in fear of ruining relationships and causing loss of confidence. I tend to think that dealing with issues and talking about them helps build my confidence, but I am somehow coming to think that by doing so, I may inadvertently cause others to lose their confidence in making me happy.

I don’t know how to tell them, “It’s not you who is making me unhappy. It’s the situation we’re in that causes me to feel uneasy. And this uneasiness, I feel, is avoidable.” But in any case, there is no other way to resolve it other than the opposite party reacting and ‘fixing’ the situation in a way that will allow me to be able to accept it. I feel remorseful sometimes, that people have to go out of their comfort zones to console me, but I have not learned to not be bothered by the situations that I cannot accept. Hence, I will always need others to be considerate when it comes to how I feel.

Perhaps, people don’t understand because they have not felt a pain similar to mine. Honestly, no one understands how we feel. We can do our best and try to describe it, but there is a limit to the completeness of the picture we can paint. No one knows our pain as much as we do, and even if they are been through a similar pain, the operative word will be ‘similar’. One can try to relate, but one cannot truly understand.

So I try my best now, to always understand how others might feel. I try my best to accept that there are things I cannot and possibly need not try to change. But if it hurts too much, I will try my best to let people know that I am in pain, and I need them to understand and try not to aggravate, if not alleviate my pain. I can only hope the people who love me understand how hurt I am, and that they care enough to want to stop me from getting hurt.