I had a lot on my mind today… and I was trying to narrow down as to what was the root of all these thoughts. I realized that worry is a big part of my life, whether it is positive, or negative. It could be small; like worrying about my boyfriend’s well-being. Sometimes it feels huge; like worrying about my upcoming interview. But no matter the size, the concern is significant to me… and the bigger ones would be more so.
I traced my worry back to fear and lack of confidence. I remember what I wrote previously. I told myself that I was going to be braver from now on. But as I have predicted, such strength rarely comes automatically. It has to be nurtured. Sometimes I’m on track, and sometimes I veer off track. But when I have the support and understanding from love ones, and the time to reflect, I usually come back on track again. I guess this in itself, creates another issue for me. Sometimes my fears are so persistent, that they cause my dependency on my loved ones to increase.
It’s easy to say that all they have to do is to be more aware and understanding of my needs. But when it goes on for a while, people grow weary. What do I do then? I start to feel bad for putting this burden on them, which in turn becomes a form of self-hate for my person and my condition. In these moments of self-hate, I sometimes get angry with the people I love because I feel that while they do love me, they simply don’t understand, and can never understand what I go through, and everything about me they have to deal with will always be some sort of an inconvenience. This is dangerous. It is dangerous simply because it is the setting that leads down a path of self-destruction.
No one can truly understand us. And neither can we ever fully understand another person. This is simply because the human mind is ever-changing, and while a person’s base character rarely changes, their opinions might. How they view and react to things will change over time, and that is something we have to always be ready to accept; the impermanence of the human behaviour.
There are a few things I have decided that I need to live with. Some of these things have bothered me for some time, but I think it’s now best that I recognise them and learn to live with them:
1. I will never be perfect.I am not a perfect human being. I will never be able to behave in the manner that is always pleasing to the whole world. Some people will accept the way I am, and some people will never accept me as I am. And for those who do love and accept me, I must never feel a sense of indebtedness because they do so willingly. This sense of indebtedness creates the need to be ‘even more perfect’ or to ‘maintain perfection’, which is impossible. We are human. There is no perfection in humanity, but there is always endearment in this imperfection. Our imperfections are what define our characters.It’s alright to be angry. It’s alright to make mistakes. It’s alright to express ourselves. By suppressing all these negativity, we are not attaining perfection. We are simply stifling ourselves and trying to become someone we are not.2. My body will never be perfect.That annoying zit, my round tummy, the cellulite in my thighs, my lack of boobs, my stubborn hair… I can never fix all of it. She’s prettier than me, she has a better figure than me, she’s more well-dressed than me… the comparisons will never end. For a while, I was actually content with my physical outlook, until I started to let comments affect me. I realised that while I need to make a conscious effort to take care of myself, I should not let others’ opinions on my progress affect me.There was a time when I was a size-S again, and while I was happy with that achievement, I wasn’t a happy person during that time. These days, I am a happier person, but the nagging feeling of not being a size-S and slowly gravitating to being a size-L bothers me. But I realised that it would only bother me if I let it. I need to keep up my basic self-care, e.g. home facials, exercising and eating right. But I should never obsess over them to the point that I feel guilty when I miss a facial, an exercise session or had a burger for lunch. I need to remember that as long as I am happy and healthy, that’s all that matters. The rest are all work-in-progress, and I should never let the fact that I can’t do them all 100% make me feel inadequate.I truly believe that our beauty lies within us. When we are comfortable in our skin, and we radiate love and happiness, we are at our most beautiful.3. No other human is perfect.In our eyes, the people we love are wonderful and perfect. Hence, when they do things that we do not expect, they don’t seem to understand us, or they don’t seem to reciprocate our feelings, we tend to feel upset… sometimes even devastated. People can seem consistent in their character and behaviour, but there will be times that they may seem to be ‘out of character’ in our views. They are not pre-programmed machines, and even machines have some margin of error. And even when we feel someone is consistently failing us in ways they never did, it could be that they are simply not in their best states of mind, or perhaps they didn’t understand our concerns on the matter.So do we try to ‘fix it’? We always try to fix things, and it usually comes to a state of disappointment. To fix things means trying to take control or a situation and a mind that may not be yours. And when you realise you have no control of it at all, the frustration sets in, and with frustration comes a host of other feelings such as anger, fear and anxiety.So what can we do if trying to fix it would ultimately make it worse? Sometimes we have to just let things lie. Sure. The other person is not going to come to realisation on their own, but sometimes, the only way is to let it pass and we need to find ways to express our concerns without blaming the other person. It sucks when you can’t immediately express yourself to the people you love, but when a person isn’t ready to hear something, you can’t force them to listen to you.No human is perfect, but I never agreed with the notion that we cannot depend on the people we love. They may not be perfect, but we need to have faith in their love for us, and that they will try to see us through the hard times because of the simple fact that they truly love and care for us. When we have confidence in others, it stems from our confidence in ourselves. When we love each other enough, we will attract more love from our loved ones.
So today marks another new attempt at trying to be a stronger and braver person. Will I fall again? I probably will. But I will keep reminding myself that it’s alright, and I can just keep trying.