I used to have dreams. So many of them, that I can't keep count. I wanted to be known for doing something HUGE... but the problem is... I could never pick what was it that I wanted to be known for.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a singer... I wanted to be a star. I wanted to be on TV, sing to crowds, make movies and have everyone know my name. But it was all just a want... I never needed it so badly that I did something about it. Sure... I participated in my fair share of singing competitions and school plays, but that was about it. It wasn't until I was 23 that I really wanted to take a shot at it. And it was all spurred by my new love for K-Pop. So I started participate in almost every audition held by a K-Pop company that was visiting KL or Singapore. Well, I didn't go for all of them, but I went for a few. After failing my very first one, I started this fan fiction... a fiction that I would write for the next 5 years, because I still dreamed of that life of fame.
It wasn't easy, holding on to a dream. When it was strong... tens of chapters would be written in a single week, sometimes a day. When I had new things in life to focus on, I took breaks in between, and to this day I feel bad because I disappointed my readers in doing so. I've lost a few of them, some became friends, and others kept coming back once in awhile to see what I was up to or if I'd added a new chapter. Some would come back once in awhile to reread the entire story again. I've always been grateful for my readers. The ones who believed in my dreams and loved being part of it. I can never thank them enough for giving me the incentive to keep writing.
I'm turning 30 in Dec 2013. In this past year, I realised that it's time to let go and move on. Whatever I loved about K-Pop has become more of a hobby now rather than an obsession. The life I have in front of me has become more and more of a pressing issue that I have to address, instead of the life I continued to wish for previously. Sure, I can find ways to continue my interests, but more than anything, I need to start paying attention and finding what would bring me contentment in my life; the one in which I lived, breathed and went through every single day.
When I was younger, in my early 20s, I always thought about getting married in my late 20s and having a family eventually. But I decided to chase my dreams in the past few years... dreams that ended up only half-materialised, and now, I'm still single and waiting for the right opportunity to settle down. I see friends around me getting married and some having kids... sometimes I envy them, but most of the times, I am happy they've moved down a life they wanted.
I guess in this sense, the answer is becoming simpler... my dream is to be happy. Happiness means so many things to people... to some its a career, to some it's in their interests and hobbies, to some it's in their relationships with friends and family and to some it's with the other person they want to spend forever with. Perhaps a little bit of everything may work for me.
There is nothing more that I want now, than to wake up every day feeling like I'm the happiest I could ever be. And I have to admit... I'm not there yet. There's so much more I feel that needs to be done for myself before I can find my true happiness. I only wish that I will continue to have the strength and tenacity to fight for it.
For all those people who have ever supported any of my dreams, be they insane or unrealistic, thank you. You've helped me attain happiness as well, and I am truly grateful! ^_^
Did you ever have a dream? Feel free to share it in the comments section below :)