Endearment In Imperfection

I had a lot on my mind today… and I was trying to narrow down as to what was the root of all these thoughts. I realized that worry is a big part of my life, whether it is positive, or negative. It could be small; like worrying about my boyfriend’s well-being. Sometimes it feels huge; like worrying about my upcoming interview. But no matter the size, the concern is significant to me… and the bigger ones would be more so.

I traced my worry back to fear and lack of confidence. I remember what I wrote previously. I told myself that I was going to be braver from now on. But as I have predicted, such strength rarely comes automatically. It has to be nurtured. Sometimes I’m on track, and sometimes I veer off track. But when I have the support and understanding from love ones, and the time to reflect, I usually come back on track again. I guess this in itself, creates another issue for me. Sometimes my fears are so persistent, that they cause my dependency on my loved ones to increase.

It’s easy to say that all they have to do is to be more aware and understanding of my needs. But when it goes on for a while, people grow weary. What do I do then? I start to feel bad for putting this burden on them, which in turn becomes a form of self-hate for my person and my condition. In these moments of self-hate, I sometimes get angry with the people I love because I feel that while they do love me, they simply don’t understand, and can never understand what I go through, and everything about me they have to deal with will always be some sort of an inconvenience. This is dangerous. It is dangerous simply because it is the setting that leads down a path of self-destruction.

No one can truly understand us. And neither can we ever fully understand another person. This is simply because the human mind is ever-changing, and while a person’s base character rarely changes, their opinions might. How they view and react to things will change over time, and that is something we have to always be ready to accept; the impermanence of the human behaviour.

There are a few things I have decided that I need to live with. Some of these things have bothered me for some time, but I think it’s now best that I recognise them and learn to live with them:

1. I will never be perfect.

I am not a perfect human being. I will never be able to behave in the manner that is always pleasing to the whole world. Some people will accept the way I am, and some people will never accept me as I am. And for those who do love and accept me, I must never feel a sense of indebtedness because they do so willingly. This sense of indebtedness creates the need to be ‘even more perfect’ or to ‘maintain perfection’, which is impossible. We are human. There is no perfection in humanity, but there is always endearment in this imperfection. Our imperfections are what define our characters.

 

It’s alright to be angry. It’s alright to make mistakes. It’s alright to express ourselves. By suppressing all these negativity, we are not attaining perfection. We are simply stifling ourselves and trying to become someone we are not.

 

2. My body will never be perfect.

That annoying zit, my round tummy, the cellulite in my thighs, my lack of boobs, my stubborn hair… I can never fix all of it. She’s prettier than me, she has a better figure than me, she’s more well-dressed than me… the comparisons will never end. For a while, I was actually content with my physical outlook, until I started to let comments affect me. I realised that while I need to make a conscious effort to take care of myself, I should not let others’ opinions on my progress affect me.

 

There was a time when I was a size-S again, and while I was happy with that achievement, I wasn’t a happy person during that time. These days, I am a happier person, but the nagging feeling of not being a size-S and slowly gravitating to being a size-L bothers me. But I realised that it would only bother me if I let it. I need to keep up my basic self-care, e.g. home facials, exercising and eating right. But I should never obsess over them to the point that I feel guilty when I miss a facial, an exercise session or had a burger for lunch. I need to remember that as long as I am happy and healthy, that’s all that matters. The rest are all work-in-progress, and I should never let the fact that I can’t do them all 100% make me feel inadequate.

 

I truly believe that our beauty lies within us. When we are comfortable in our skin, and we radiate love and happiness, we are at our most beautiful.

 

3. No other human is perfect.

In our eyes, the people we love are wonderful and perfect. Hence, when they do things that we do not expect, they don’t seem to understand us, or they don’t seem to reciprocate our feelings, we tend to feel upset… sometimes even devastated. People can seem consistent in their character and behaviour, but there will be times that they may seem to be ‘out of character’ in our views. They are not pre-programmed machines, and even machines have some margin of error. And even when we feel someone is consistently failing us in ways they never did, it could be that they are simply not in their best states of mind, or perhaps they didn’t understand our concerns on the matter.

 

So do we try to ‘fix it’? We always try to fix things, and it usually comes to a state of disappointment. To fix things means trying to take control or a situation and a mind that may not be yours. And when you realise you have no control of it at all, the frustration sets in, and with frustration comes a host of other feelings such as anger, fear and anxiety.

 

So what can we do if trying to fix it would ultimately make it worse? Sometimes we have to just let things lie. Sure. The other person is not going to come to realisation on their own, but sometimes, the only way is to let it pass and we need to find ways to express our concerns without blaming the other person. It sucks when you can’t immediately express yourself to the people you love, but when a person isn’t ready to hear something, you can’t force them to listen to you.

 

No human is perfect, but I never agreed with the notion that we cannot depend on the people we love. They may not be perfect, but we need to have faith in their love for us, and that they will try to see us through the hard times because of the simple fact that they truly love and care for us. When we have confidence in others, it stems from our confidence in ourselves. When we love each other enough, we will attract more love from our loved ones.

So today marks another new attempt at trying to be a stronger and braver person. Will I fall again? I probably will. But I will keep reminding myself that it’s alright, and I can just keep trying.

Mistakes

I think the hardest thing for a person to deal with is to admit their mistakes. Not small stuff like being late, a typo or even offending someone; because these are quite obvious mistakes. I’m referring to making wrong choices, and feeling like you have to trudge on forward and live with them because you are either too ashamed to admit you made a mistake, or you feel too guilty to the parties involved that you feel the only way is to continue and make the best of things.

For the longest time, this is what I did with most of my decisions that turned out to be mistakes. I always wanted to prove to others, and myself, that I wasn’t wrong and things would work out fine. But after a few really big ones, I’m beginning to learn that when you make a mistake, you cut your losses and move on. Some people may accuse me of being hasty or ruthless, but when you’ve suffered long enough by trying to live with a mistake, you will know that you are much better off moving on.

I’m not running away from my problems. I’m just removing myself from a situation where I know isn’t going to turn out well, instead of allowing myself to continue to be mired by a situation which will eventually consume me.

In reference to my recent situation; there were good moments, and there were moments that I was unsure, and then there were moments that screamed “Bad!”. I guess I was very overwhelmed and confused, but eventually it was the fact that I didn’t feel comfortable that prompted me to want out. I know that I cannot be blameless for what happened. So I’m going to graciously admit that I had definitely rushed into things this time, and I know it was wrong. I’m sorry things had to turn out like this, but I do believe that it’s for the best.

The fact that I had even started to feel some old bouts of depression wafting back into my life, I refuse to allow more of it to come back and take root. Hence, I am going to move ahead of it, and stop it. I definitely am not ecstatic now. In fact I am sad that things have turned out this way. But for me, there is no other way. This is not the first time, and it should be the last; I am doing this because I want to love myself more.

To be impeccable...

I completed Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements in one day, and I’m reading it all over again. This book has really struck a chord with me, and it has really spoken to me. As the title suggests, there are 4 agreements that make up the structure of the key message of this book.

The Four Agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Perhaps it is because of the book’s philosophical nature and also because it was written in a way where I felt as if the book was speaking to me. I sat up and paid attention, page after page. But most of all, from the moment I started reading it, I began to feel different.

The first thing I noticed was the way my body and mind started to feel calm. As I read on, and further understood what the book was trying to convey, I began to relate each idea with my life. I realised how much injustice I had been doing myself all this time. I had been reliving my past mistakes, judging myself all over again for each and every one of them, and punishing myself over and over again.

The worst thing is that the way I have been treating my loved ones have stemmed from my self-condemnation and fear. My fear that I would be loved less for being me caused me to behave the way I did; insecure, fearful and small. I belittled the person I was, and the person I could become, and I allowed negative comments from people, whether or not they were meant out of good or harm, to affect me greatly; sometimes without even considering if they were indeed true.

I also chanced upon a site ( http://www.toltecspirit.com/ ) by Gary van Warmerdam, and in his article “Be Impeccable with Your Word”, he said:

“To live with existing fears in your mind doesn’t fall into the category of being impeccable. Maintaining fears of public speaking, asking someone out on a date, or a fear of failing is not in the direction of love for your self. Keeping your self in fear is an ongoing expression in your own mind that causes you to hold back in your actions of love for your self and others. Fear is at the heart of NOT being impeccable.”

I had not been impeccable all this time, for I had not been able to free myself from the fears that stemmed from guilt and self-condemnation.

Moving forward, I will probably be working on a few pieces that I have been avoiding all this time. They involve telling the story of my pain; pain that I had been unwilling to put on paper because I was afraid that it could hurt me again… even if they were just words on paper. But I believe that if I can take the step to face the pain, I will sooner be able to release it, and move on with my life. Once I free myself from this past, I will be on my way to a brighter future.

The message I would like to bring across to those who are reading today is that I hope each person can come to truly appreciate themselves as they are, and be confident that they are worthy of ‘living in heaven’, i.e. to be happy. If you truly think you can improve yourself, go ahead and make that improvement. Do your best! Whatever you become, or whatever you remain as, could probably be the person you were meant to be. When you reach that checkpoint, tell yourself:

“This is the best I can be now, and I am happy because I performed to the best of my ability.”

Only you know who you really are and whether or not you are doing your very best to be true to yourself. If we learn to come to terms with our natural and true selves, at some point, we will come to realise that we become so happy and at peace with ourselves, that even if we were experiencing extreme fatigue, all we want to do is SMILE :)