Chapter 17: Should I Stay

I looked at Jae Joong’s face; my eyes traced his eyebrow, eyelids, eyelashes, his nose, his lips, I looked down at his arm around me. His arm was muscular and smooth; I wanted to run my hand over it. Why am I having such thoughts? I could feel him breathing softly on my face, we were so close now, and it would be so easy just to kiss him, to drown myself in him. But Yun Ho, I can’t do this to Yun Ho. I squeezed my eyes shut at the thought of my betrayal. I pushed away from Jae Joong and moved further to the other end of the bed. Jae Joong woke up. He stretched a little and then stopped.

“You awake?” he asked softly.

I ignored him, pretending that I was still asleep. My heart ached at that moment. I loved Yun Ho, but I love Jae Joong too. Right this moment, my heart overflowed with feelings for Jae Joong. So was my love for Yun Ho out of loyalty? Or is my love for Jae Joong out of lust, and because he was a forbidden love? I heard him get off the bed and went to his.

My thoughts went to the night at the noraebang, when he and Yun Ho had sung FTTS’ 피(Pi – Evasion) to me. I remember clearly now. That night, his expression was no different from the one Yun Ho had for me, love and longing. I covered my face with Yun Ho’s pillow, trying to block the image from my mind. Then, there was a knock on the door.

“Hyung,” Yoo Chun whispered, opening the door. “Are you awake?”

“Oh,” Jae Joong said as he yawned and stretched noisily, probably for Yoo Chun’s benefit.

“The guys and I are leaving for the show soon.” Yoo Chun, Chang Min and Jun Su were supposed to be on Love Letter today. “Shoei called and said that a crowd was still camped outside their apartment block,”

“Okay, go ahead,” Jae Joong said. “I’ll be here to take care of Sierra.”

“Okay, see you tonight,” and he shut the door quietly.

A whole day, stuck here with him? I wonder if the mob had found out I was here? Maybe I could go home if they weren’t. I sat up in Yun Ho’s bed and turned to look at Jae Joong.

“We’re leaving now!!!” I heard Chang Min holler from outside.

“Yea!” Jae Joong hollered back and turned to look at me. “So you were awake?”

“I just got up,” I said.

“Liar,” he said, softly.

“I want to go home,” I said.

“I am pretty sure you heard Yoo Chun. There’s a crowd outside your apartment block, you can’t go home.”

“Then can I go to the studios?”

Jae Joong groaned in frustration, “Your manager said that you were supposed to stay here until the management sorted everything out. That means you are not to go anywhere.”

“But…”

“Dammit!! Why are you being so stubborn, Sierra? Why can’t you just let me take care of you? You used to allow me to take care of you.” He had lost his patience, and I felt incredibly guilty for being so childish. There was nothing I could do now. I had to sit it out here, with him, like it or not. Jae Joong sat at the edge of his bed, with his head buried in his hands. I walked toward him slowly and knelt down beside him on the carpeted floor.

“Mianhae,” I said, as I took pulled his hands away from his face and held them. “I’ll try not to be such a pain in the ass,” I smiled weakly.

“Sierra,” he groaned again and pulled me into his arms. We stayed in that position for a long time, trying to find comfort in each other. Then Jae Joong slowly pulled away. “I don’t know how I’m going to face Yun Ho when he gets back,” he sighed.

I reached up to touch his cheek. He closed his eyes and held my hand to his face as he turned his head until his lips came into contact with my palm. Then he kissed my palm.

“We can’t give up,” I said. “We can’t do this to Yun Ho.”

“What are we going to do about our feelings? They sure the hell are not going away.”

“I’m trying to forget…”

“And you think I’m not? I’m struggling here, and yet every time I don’t see you, I want to see you. When I finally see you, I just feel like I’m going crazy. I love you but I’m not allowed to love you. I want you but I’m not allowed to touch you.”

“But you touched me all the same,”

“That was because I couldn’t bear seeing you like that. You needed someone. I want to be that someone.”

Tears started running down my cheeks. “I can’t do this anymore,” I sobbed.

“Sierra, don’t cry,” he sat as he came to sit down on the floor and cradled me in his arms.

“I love you, Jae Joong,” I confessed.

He turned my face to his, “You love me?” he asked, surprised.

“But I love Yun Ho too,” I continued. “I’m so confused. I don’t know who I really love anymore. I just know that I can’t hurt Yun Ho.”

“But you can hurt me?” he said.

“No, it’s not like that. I’m not trying to hurt you.”

“I know, I was just kidding.” He smiled grimly.

“I need you to give me some space. I need to sort out my feelings.”

“I can’t stay away, you know that.”

“I know, at least don’t talk about this anymore. Give me some time with Yun Ho. If things don’t turn out…”

“Then what? You’ll leave him for me?”

“I don’t know…”

“If things don’t turn out between you and Yun Ho, there might even be a chance that we will not cross paths again.”

“I would never want Yun Ho and me to end like that. Just promise me that we’re going to stop talking about what happened between us and let fate decide what’s to become of me and Yun Ho.”

“You’re giving up your life to fate?” he asked.

“I am…”

“You, the person who’d worked against what you thought were your fate, to get where you are today, and now you are leaving your love life to fate.”

“Love isn’t something that can be attained with just hard work.”

Jae Joong sighed, “Fine, I’ll leave you with your fate, and we’ll see how it works out for you.”

Just then, I felt a dull ache in my stomach, it had been an hour since I’d woken up, and I still hadn’t had breakfast. It’s probably a gastric attack coming. Jae Joong saw my expression change.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing, just a little gastric ache,” I said.

“Did you bring your medicine along?” he asked. I nodded.

“Take your medicine,” he said. “I’m going to make us some breakfast.”

We had breakfast in silence. After breakfast, Jae Joong hid in his workroom. I could hear him fiddling with the keyboard and his other equipment. I walked around the apartment, exploring to see if there was stuff I’d not noticed before or if there were new additions. There was a clock on the wall, in the middle of their room, with their group photo on it. It had been a gift from their fans when they’d released their first album. The silly Christmas tree from their last apartment sat in the middle of their living room. They’d decorated it sometime in 2005, but never had the heart to take it down, or was it just plain laziness? I smiled to myself. Yun Ho’s piggy banks were littered all around the place; the huge water dispenser bottle filled with his coins, a cute pig on his dresser, another in his bedroom and there was one more on his workspace.

There was a shelf full of CDS in one corner, the one that Yoo Chun’s fans had given him one birthday. I ran my fingers across the CDs, scanning for one which I might listen to. Then I found it, Stevie Wonder. I put the CD into the player and selected the track I wanted. Strains piano sounded through the speakers. I’d chosen ‘Lately’, one of my favourite songs, the song I’d sang at the audition which got me here today. I walked around the apartment as the song played, savoring the emotions the song evoked in me.

“Lately, I have had the strangest feeling
With no vivid reason here to find
Yet the thought of losing you's been hanging
'round my mind

Far more frequently you're wearing perfume
With you say no special place to go
But when I ask will you be coming back soon
You don't know, never know

Well, I'm a man of many wishes
Hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel my eyes won't let me hide
‘Cause they always start to cry
‘Cause this time could mean goodbye

Lately I've been staring in the mirror
Very slowly picking me apart
Trying to tell myself I have no reason
with your heart

Just the other night while you were sleeping
I vaguely heard you whisper someone's name
But when I ask you of the thoughts your keeping
You just say nothing's changed

Well, I'm a man of many wishes
I hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel my eyes won't let me hide
‘Cause they always start to cry
‘Cause this time could mean goodbye, goodbye

Oh, I'm a man of many wishes
I hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel my eyes won't let me hide
‘Cause they always start to cry
‘Cause this time could mean goodbye”

As the song ended, I heard the front door open. I turned around to see who it was, and I know it sounds too cliché to be true, but it was Yun Ho. He dropped his bags on the floor and opened up his arms. I practically jumped at him as I wrapped my arms around his waist. He hugged me tightly and kissed me on the top of my head.

“Are you okay?” he asked tenderly. I looked up at him and nodded. “I’m sorry I’m late,” he said and he kissed me.

We kissed hungrily, savagely, our tongues straining on each other’s and he bit my lip gently. The week apart had made us desperate for each other. Whatever happened during our time apart just melted away when he hugged me tightly as he kissed me. I hugged him back fiercely. I never wanted him to leave again. I wanted him to be by my side 24/7. I wanted to absorb every bit of him into my soul. How could I have doubted my feelings for him? It was clear that I still loved him as much as I did in the beginning. In the middle of our passion, we heard someone clear his throat. We pulled apart and saw Jae Joong standing there.

He smiled, “Good to see you guys are still so hot for each other.” I could sense the disappointment behind his smile.

“Hyung,” Yun Ho said in a flustered tone as he pulled away from me. “Thanks for taking care of things while I was gone.”

“No problem. All in a day’s work,” Jae Joong replied calmly.

“Where are the rest?” Yun Ho said, still trying to calm his breathing which had gotten a little out of control from our kiss.

“They’re on Love Letter today,”

“Oh…”

“Have you eaten?” Jae Joong asked as he walked toward the kitchen.

“Thought you’d never ask,” Yun Ho said happily as he bounded after Jae Joong. I couldn’t help but smile. Yun Ho loved to eat and it’s a wonder he never gets fat. I sat on the sofa and surfed through the channels as they tinkered around and talked in the kitchen.

“Come join us,” Yun Ho shouted, when the meal was prepared.

“I’m not hungry,” I said.

“You’d better come and join us, you almost had a gastric attack this morning,” Jae Joong reminded me.

Yun Ho walked up to me and I looked up at him.

“Really?” he said.

“It was nothing…”

He pulled me up onto my feet and dragged me to the dining table.

“Sit,” he said and I sat obediently.

“Why can’t I leave you alone for even a day?” he asked as he ruffled my hair.

“Then don’t…” I pouted.

“You know I wish I didn’t have to,” he sighed as he sat down.

“Ya… I don’t need to hear all this,” Jae Joong said.

“Hehe! Sorry hyung,” Yun Ho grinned.

“Whatever, just eat,” Jae Joong said as he started eating.

Throughout the meal, Yun Ho talked about his filming activities in Japan, while Jae Joong and I listened and nodded as we ate. Because of my gastric problem, Jae Joong had prepared a rather bland meal. Seaweed soup with tofu swimming in it, which we drowned our rice in, chicken stir-fried with vegetables (a Chinese dish he’d picked up from me) and a little plate of paech’ukimch’i (cabbage kimch’i; the classic version of kimch’i), which he and Yun Ho finished between the both of them since I wouldn’t touch it. I still didn’t like kimch’i.

After eating, the guys refused to let me help with the dishes. Yun Ho pushed me out of the kitchen into the living room.

“Don’t bother me and Jae Joong,” he said. “I have lots of secrets to tell him,” he joked.

“What, about your female co-stars in Japan?” I asked, pretending to be upset.

“Yes… you’re so smart!!” he laughed and I smacked him. “I’ll be back,” he said as he gave me a quick peck on the cheek and shoved the TV remote into my hands. “Enjoy…” he said and walked off to join Jae Joong in the kitchen.

After lunch, the guys went into their work room. I got bored after half an hour of TV and decided to join them. Jae Joong was on the keyboards and Yun Ho was fiddling with an electric guitar.

“What are you doing?” I asked as I walked in and sat on Yun Ho’s lap.

“Aahh… you’re so heavy,” he complained as he set the guitar down on the floor and I pinched him on the arm. “Ouch!” he yelled and rubbed his arm.

“It’s because of guys like you that girls get eating disorders,” I said.

“There is no shame in having standards,” he laughed and I pushed his head to side with my palm. “Come…” he said as he settled the guitar on my lap with me still sitting on his lap, “I’ll teach you how to play a song.”

He guided my left hand with his, telling me where to press on the frets as he arranged my fingers accordingly for each chord. His right hand covered mine as he held my forefinger and thumb with the pick in between them and he moved my hand to strum the guitar. In the middle of our lesson, I looked up for a moment to flip my hair from my face and I caught Jae Joong looking at us.